Page 60 of Wish Lists and Road Trips

I sucked in a cold breath and tried twice before forcing out the words.

“Alex, I, um. I’m sorry. I’ve been kind of shit at this whole eulogy thing so far. I guess you probably knew I would be.” My voice tried to crack and I pressed my palm into my eyes, breathing through a swelling sensation in my chest.

Brit wrapped her arms around my stomach, and I threaded my fingers through her hair, holding her to me. “You always knew what to say, you know? How to handle everything with Mom. Now she’s falling apart and Dad is acting like it’s normal. Fuck, I guess it is normal, but everything is worse now and the one person who gets it is gone.”

I felt a tear roll over my cheek and I wiped it away, sniffing up at the sky. “I don’t really know who we are now without you. Who I am. It feels like a crack opened up in the middle of my world and there are parts of me I can’t get to anymore.

“I was so mad at you for making me do this, Alex. I’ve been cursing you out for weeks. But I see now that this was your way of leaving the best part of you here, with me. I still don’t know if I passed your little test, but I get it and I’m trying. I will try. I love you.”

The tin was empty and I tucked it back in my pocket. I stayed there for what felt like forever, mute, while Brit scooped snow up with her bare hands to cover the ashes. I thought about that rope swing at my uncle’s camp, remembering a day I went there with Willow and Alex when she’d first gotten her license. He and I took turns doing these crazy jumps into the lake while she called out our scores.

Alex’s ashes might be in a forest covered in snow, but I hoped that was where he was.

Finally, the snow had soaked through my pants, biting at my knees and shins. I stood, pulling Brit up with me, and wrapped her in my arms. I could feel her breath through my T-shirt, and I felt oddly peaceful.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Are you okay?”

I took a deep pull of cold air, scented by the tropical flowers in her shampoo and blew it out into the sky. “Yeah. I am, actually.”

Because of her. She’d changed everything.Everything.

Every day of my life had been clouded—Alex’s illness, my parents’ needs, all the pressure—and what I was holding right now, this was the sun. Bright and beautiful and foreign. And I couldn’t imagine going back to the dark.

She moved to pull away, but I squeezed her tighter. “Brit . . .”

“Nick.”

Neither of us blinked and the lack of white mist between us told me we were both holding our breaths, waiting to see what this moment was going to do to us. I felt something in my chest coiling tighter and tighter with every touch. I was afraid any minute I would wake up and she’d be a memory, because nothing in my life had ever felt this good. And I’d just promised not to waste that feeling.

I cupped her cheeks, tipping her face toward mine, and she stared at me through her long lashes. “What are you thinking about?” she whispered.

I leaned closer until my mouth hovered just over hers. “I’m thinking about kissing you.”

She swallowed, eyes wide. “Are you talking yourself out of it?”

“No. I’m just trying to do it right.” I ducked that last inch to press my mouth to hers, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, sighing like I’d just taken something heavy from her. She kissed me back, our tongues sliding, mouths pressing. She tasted like candy and tears, and holy shit, I saw stars.

I ran my hands down to her ass, lifting her off the ground, and she wrapped her legs around my waist, parting her lips for me. It was sloppy and desperate and I told myself to slow down, kiss her right, but I couldn’t seem to calm this deluge of raw need.

At the hotel, the tension between us had felt frantic and directionless, like a top spinning out of control. The thought of trying to catch it in my hands, command it, had felt impossible. Now it felt like a rope pulling me in. Holding on and following was the only thing that made sense. It was like someone dropped her on that dock in front of me so I could finally feel what it was like to breathe.

“I should have done this days ago,” I said into her mouth.

“You wasted a lot of time.”

“I’m going to make up for it.”

She was so warm and giving, and I wanted everything. I wanted to lay her down and love every part of her until she felt everything I couldn’t say.Thank you. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You feel like everything good in the world, rolled into a tiny package.

“Hey!”

I jumped at the sound of someone yelling and turned to see the conductor waving a flashlight at us. Brit fell into a fit of giggles and I stumbled, tumbling us both backwards until my ass was in the snow. She buried her face in my neck, laughing so hard her whole body shook.

“If your girlfriend is all better, please get back on the train.”

I swallowed down my own laughter and gave him a salute, then I turned back to Brit. “Time’s up.”

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