Page 92 of Wish Lists and Road Trips

I couldn’t answer him. I was afraid if I spoke, I’d lose it. Suddenly my office felt way too small for all of these people I didn’t want. It was like there was a finite amount of oxygen and I wasn’t getting my share.

“I need some air.” I pushed past Tom, heading for the back door. I was going to throw up or pass out. I wasn’t sure which, but I needed to get out of that room. I threw open the heavy metal door and landed in the parking lot, sucking at the cold air.

Fuck, it was thirty degrees out, but I ripped open the top three buttons of my shirt anyway. Willow was right. I’d been holding myself together by a thread, not letting myself fall apart, and I felt it all rushing at me at once. Alex was gone. Brit was gone. There was too much pain without them, and I couldn’t hack it.

I leaned against the brick building, sliding down to sit on the cold pavement. Adrenaline made my head pound and I dropped my face into my hands, trying to catch my breath.

The door creaked open and Tom came out, rubbing at his arms in the cold. He slid down the wall beside me and laced his fingers around his knees. “You all right?”

I glanced at him sidelong, my hands shaking.

He nodded, then after a few moments, “Who’s the girl?”

A half-laugh broke through my heavy breaths. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”

Tom leaned his head against the wall and sat there silent while I wiped the back of my hand under my eyes. “I miss him,” I said, my throat thick.

He gave a single nod. “Me too. I know it’s not the same for me—”

I sniffed. “We all grew up as brothers, Tom. It’s the same.”

“Maybe. But Drew and I had the luxury of living in a different house all those years. We got all of the good parts of Alex, the wild times and the bad fucking ideas, but you were the one making up for it on the other end. What you said in there was true, and whatever it took for you to finally say it, that’s what you need more of.”

“Nicky.” My father stepped through the door Tom had left open, his Carhartt jacket pulled up to his chin.

Tom and I jumped to our feet like kids called out. “Dad, I—”

“No. You asked me a question and I want to answer it.” He ran a hand over his tan and weathered face, breathing deep. “The job. I knew you wanted it and that me giving it to Alex hurt you. I’m sorry for that, Nicky. But I thought maybe if I gave Alex this responsibility, it would . . . I don’t know, ground him here somehow. Like maybe if I made him indispensable then I couldn’t lose him. At the very least he’d be beside me while he was here, instead of off running.” His voice turned wistful. “He was always running.”

I dipped my head, a wave of memory sweeping over me, burning my throat.

“But when you left on that trip he sent you on, I realized something. I’d done wrong by both of you, because that was what he wanted. To be free for as long as he was here.” His voice cracked. “I should have let him.”

My shoulders sank with realization. I always thought of Alex as the defiant one. It burned at me the way he constantly found a way to duck around responsibility and everyone seemed to let him off the hook. But I knew Alex never wanted to work for my dad. Him taking that job was just as much of a concession to our father as me watching it happen.

Knowing Alex and the way he always seemed to understand things better than I did, it was unlikely he hadn’t seen exactly why my father was doing it. Taking that job to make my father happy was a choice. One I never gave him credit for.

“You did your best,” I said. “Alex made his own choices.”

My dad grabbed the back of his neck, squeezing in a way I recognized too well. “I’m trying to do right by your mother,” he said. “That’s why I need you here, Nicky.”

The pain in his voice caught me in the chest and I had to close my eyes to breathe through it. “I know that, Dad, but that’s not something you and I can handle. Not anymore. Cut thekeep family business closecrap and get her some real help. You can’t do it all.”

Those words seemed to hang in the air between us. Maybe I was still talking to myself or maybe I was doing what I always did, trying to take care of him. Either way, there was enough guilt and grief between us and someone had to let some of it go.

My father shoved his hands in his coat pockets, casting his eyes to the brick wall. “I’m sorry I let you think you didn’t deserve to run this company, Nick. I think it’s time I fixed that.” He cleared his throat. “Alex’s job . . .”

“I don’t want Alex’s job.” I knew now that was never the issue.

He blinked and I stood up straighter, hearing Brit’s voice in my ear.

At least I fought for what I wanted.

“Alex’s job was just a title,” I said. “Maybe that was on purpose, I don’t know. But what I want is a seat at the table. If you want me to run this company, let me run it. I promise I won’t let you down.”

His mouth twitched at the corner, his eyes slightly amused. “No, I can’t imagine you will.”

He gave my shoulder a squeeze and turned to walk away but something stopped him. “Nick. Just one more thing. I want you to remember that it’s always been your name on that sign. Nothing will change that.” He slapped my back, calling over his shoulder as he walked away. “And I’m giving you the title too. It’s your time.”

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