Page 104 of The Fate Factor

“Jamie. That’s not… I’m not…” The hurt on his face makes me desperate. I step to him, curl my fingers in his shirt. “You said yourself you wouldn’t have taken the risk on your business if you hadn’t seen the future. If you thought you might lose. You just asked me to do it again so you can decide what to do next! You did the exact same thing. You’re doing it now.”

“That’s not even remotely the same, Noel.”

“Of course it is! We were both scared. Of holding onto something that could be taken away. Of loving—” my voice cracks and I clear my throat. “Of loving something that would hurt if we lost it. You made me feel a lot of things really quickly. You have to understand how overwhelming that was.”

“It was overwhelming for me too! Believe it or not, you’re the first woman I’ve been with who could see my future, let alone tell me we were destined to end up together. But you know what that looked like to me, Noel? It looked rare, and special. Something you don’t let pass you by even if it leaves you with more questions than answers. Even if you’re scared.”

His name is a hoarse whisper from my throat, but he’s already turned away from me. He walks to the door and grabs a hat andhis keys from the hook on the wall. “I’m going downstairs. Stay or don’t. Whatever you think you’re supposed to do.”

thirty-three

Noel

Thebreakdowncomesinthe car on the way home. Tears that seem like they’re being pumped from a never-ending well. I bat at them intermittently as I replay the moment when the surest thing in my life spiraled out of control.

As I cross the bridge out of town, I file back through every reading Nana ever gave me or Kate for a sign that I’ve missed a vital step in being able to interpret them. But there’s no rhyme or reason. Some came true, sure, but they were never as concrete and life changing as Jamie. Nothing that was enough to make a believer out of me. Not until him. So why throw this wrench in now? Why did thisthingput on such a spectacular show just to convince me to follow it, only to pull the rug out after I got attached?

I huff a watery laugh at my windshield. Attached sounds so trite. So shallow. Attached was the crush I allowed myself to have on Jamie in the beginning, before I tumbled into this deep, cavernous love. Now I’m attached to him in the way my limbs are attached to my body.

This wasn’t the deal. Sure, I ignored some things, but I followed the signs I understood. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, and now the entire thing has been reframed. The visions may or may not be fatally flawed, and I may have altered more than one future on the advice of a hallucination. My heart trotted after this idea that he was somehow promised to me, chasing afterfatelike a puppy into traffic. But the heart, big dumb muscle that it is, doesn’t have eyes or ears or any other faculties to allow it to sense danger. The heart just wants to feel and feel, until it’s finally felt the cut that stops it.

This feels like that cut. I took a man who believed in magic and love, who taughtmeto believe, and proved him wrong.

The sun set at the beach around five, but even in the dark, Kate finds me easily. I guess Jamie’s little mischief spot wasn’t as desolate as I thought that night. It’s a good thing because when I drove here—maybe hoping to lick my wounds, maybe secretly hoping to find him here doing the same—I didn’t think about how I was going to get home. Given the amount of wine I’ve already drank, it won’t be in my car.

Kate pulls her coat tight around her as she hurries across the sand toward me. Beyond her, I see Colin in the parking lot, standing in a long coat and scarf, leaning on his car.

“I feel like maybe you downplayed the emergency of this situation,” she says, taking in the vignette of heartache I’ve made on this sand. “What are you doing?”

“I’m drinking wine on the beach,” I say. I reach for my phone, which is playing Patsy Cline’s “Walking After Midnight” at an unreasonable volume, and hold it up as if Kate wasn’t already made aware of that part when she pulled up. Luckily, it’s freezing out here, so there’s no one to be disturbed by the soundtrack to my patheticness.

Kate steps to the edge of the blanket I brought. She’s looking at me like I’m a wounded animal she’s stumbled upon. It’s not that far off.

“I think Jamie and I broke up.”

“What? No. No. No,” she says, plopping down in the sand beside me. “What happened?”

“We had a fight. I think it was a big one.”

“About what?”

I tell her about what Becca said, how it threw everything into a tailspin. “He asked me to try it again, to read him. How can he ask me for that? How can he trust any of it anymore? I almost did it before I smartened up, Kate! God, it’s like I just follow him anywhere he leads. I get stupid around him. Since that very first night.”

“Welcome to love, babe.” When I don’t laugh, she sighs and leans back on her hands. “It’s not stupid to trust him, Noel. He obviously trusts you.”

“Well, that’s a mistake. Look what I’ve done so far. I told him lies about his girlfriend and charted his whole life on a different course.” And then I took him for myself. A fist squeezes my heart. I thought he was mine and I swan dived into him, thinking he was destined to catch me. Instead I took him down with me. And Becca.

“It wasn’t a lie,” Kate says. “And it led him to you. I’d say that’s a pretty good course.”

“But I stole him.”

“No way, Noel. I mean, you didn’t see or speak to him for two years! I practically had to force you to go on your first date with him.”

“It wasn’t a date.” I sniffle.

“See? You wouldn’t even go on a date with him.” She grabs my hand. “I know this feels like a huge deal, babe, and I totally don’t blame you for needing to talk it out but think about it. Jamie’s a good guy, right? Sweet, successful, handsome. A catch, some might say?”

I nod, lip between my teeth.

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