Page 112 of The Fate Factor

He waits patiently until I reach out and shake it.What is he doing?

“I saw you from across the room and I think you have the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen. I’m Jamie.”

The band launches into a song and people swell around us, muscling for a better view. I blink at him, confused.

Jamie leans down, letting his lips brush my ear. I feel the contact like a beam of sunshine after a storm. “What’s your name?”

“Noel,” I say shakily, suddenly remembering what I told him.I wish we’d just met like normal people. Out at some bar somewhere… My heart batters my chest.

He grins. “What do you do, Noel?”

Tears gather in the corner of my eyes when I think about how I answered this months ago. Now, I say, “I’m an artist. I have my own business.”

“Me too. A brewery downtown.” He steps closer. “Have you been here before?”

I shake my head, the back of my nose burning. When I can’t make myself speak, he nods, giving me a shaky grin. “It’s a cool place. You’ll like it.”

“Yeah… Jamie—”

“Tell me something else.”

I tip my head, trying to make sense of this opportunity so I can grab onto it. I don’t know what to say to fix all of the ways this went wrong. I’m terrified the chance will slip through my fingers while I’m stuttering. But when our eyes meet, I recognize the fear in his too. And the way he’s doing it anyway, clinging to hope that I’m not going to break his heart. I know that look, and I know exactly what he needs to hear.

“I’m afraid a lot of the time,” I say. “But I don’t want to be anymore.”

Emotion washes over his face but he keeps going with this game like he knows that me choosing him in this pretend do-over is as important to me as it is him. Jamie needs someone to bet on him; I need to place that bet. I’ve seen what the otheroption has to offer. Numbness and a life that looks good on paper, safe, but void of any joy—and I don’t want it.

“Well,” he says. “I know we don’t know each other yet, Noel, but if you’re scared to take a leap, I’ll go first, and I’ll catch you at the bottom, baby. Always.” His voice wobbles. “I can be that for you.”

“No.” I shake my head. It’s my turn. “I want to be that foryou.”

He blinks at me, clearly caught off guard by the way I’ve taken the reins of this apology.

“When I came back here, I was terrified there was something inherently wrong with me because I couldn’t feel anything. I wasn’t happy when good things happened, I wasn’t sad when bad things happened, I was just… numb, muted. And then you came along, and I was afraid because I felt too much. You’re like a sponge that soaks up life, Jamie. You’re fearless and a big dreamer, and you havesomuch to love. Being with you is like spinning in a Tilt-a-Whirl. I can turn the steering wheel or try to throw my weight into one side to slow the damn thing, but momentum always takes it. And for the first time in my life, I let it because I thought I saw the happy ending I was destined to get at the end.

“But the thing is, I was still just along for the ride. I think that’s the point of all of this…” I wave my hand around my head. “…magic. Fate isn’t going to hand me this life risk free, but the risk is worth it because the reward could be so good if I dare to choose it. Just like the vision didn’t give you your career, Jamie. You still had to choose to put your heart on the line and go for it. And you can change your mind any time and give it away if that’s what you want. And I can changemymind any time. I can choose to get off the ride because I’m scared, and if I do, this thing between us that brings me so much happiness will just not happen.

“And I think what Becca said freaked me out so much because I hadn’t realized that yet, the part that we’re both responsible for. You were right. I wouldn’t have chosen you if I didn’t have that vision.”

His face falls, but I curl my fists in his shirt and tug him closer. “It’s not because of who you are, Jamie. It was never because of that. If I’m being honest, I wanted you the minute I saw you. It’s because of who I am. Or who I was. I was afraid to let my feet leave the ground, to get swept up by something and lose control. I didn’t want to get hurt, so I surrounded myself with things that wouldn’t leave a mark when they disappeared. I know now that I was numb because I wasn’t choosing anything worth caring about, and I care about you so much. I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Noe,” he whispers. “So much.”

“I wouldn’t have chosen you without the vision, and it would have been the greatest mistake of my life.”

He takes my cheeks in his hands and I realize with the swipe of his thumbs that I’m crying. His eyes shine under the bar light.

“I want you. I choose you. And I promise, the next time I’m scared, I’ll run to you instead of away from you. I don’t think I could love you more, Jamie. But I can love you braver if you’ll let me.”

I wasn’t exaggerating when I said Jamie is like a sponge sucking up life, but when he squeezes his eyes shut and breathes through his nose, I think this is the moment where he overflows.

We’re attracting attention from the rest of the people now, making a scene. I’m my mother’s hot mess, and I don’t care. I can’t not touch him anymore. I launch myself into his chest and cry all over his shirt.

Jamie presses his mouth to the top of my head, breathing through my hair. “I want that too, Noel. All of it. And for what it’s worth, you scare the hell out of me too.”

Despite myself, I laugh.

“But I love you. We’ll figure it out together, right?”

---