Page 60 of The Fate Factor

I gape at her like a fish gulping air. “Taking that bartender’s therapy license a little far, aren’t you?” Em and I are close but typically we keep it pretty light. It’s not like her to deliver advice that doesn’t come cloaked in a joke.

From the look on her face, though, I’mnotgetting off with a joke. “Since you mentioned it, why are you behind the bar every night? You own the damn place.”

“I like bartending. How did we get here?”

“Because it’s the same damn thing. You feel comfortable bartending. And you’re comfortable with the Kellys of the worldbecause you think they can’t hurt you.” She flicks my shoulder. “How’d that work out, huh?”

“From one commitment-phobe to another?” I snap. “Not so great.” I’m being a dick, but this conversation is grating on me, and I know her too. She’s been dating Cara Andrews exclusively since this summer, and she still won’t admit she doesn’t want to see anyone else.

“First of all, this is my speech, so screw you. And second, you’re not afraid of commitment, Jamie. That’s never been your issue. You’re afraid of being the guy no one will committo.”

Em can tell by the way I flinch that she’s made a direct hit, and her expression softens. “Sorry, but it’s true.”

I drag a hand over my mouth, my ribs aching less from the break and more from the beating muscle behind them that’s been bruised for the last two years. I fucking hate that Em knows me this well, but it’s like Noel said: You can’t hide from family. I guess that includes friends who have known all the previous versions of you.

I have a list of those versions of me I’d rather forget, but the one that involved a ring and a humiliation that makes Kelly’s seem like a minor slight, that one won’t go the hell away.

Em leans back on her heels in a way that feels like the laying down of a sword. Probably because she knows I’m about to go down a hole that’s tougher than any shit she could give me.

Becca and I didn’t just break up, we imploded, and the wreckage is still stuck in my skin like shrapnel. Even after two years, I struggle to hide the way it gets to me when she comes up in conversation. Of course, like the rest of my bad decisions, she’s still hanging around this zip code, so it happens from time to time.

Now, the memory comes without my permission. Becca’s face the night I asked her about what Noel told me. Her shocked expression layered over a pitying one.

“How did you know?” That’s what she said. Not “It’s not true.” Not “Let me explain.” But “How did you figure it out?”

And to be fair, Ihadn’tfigured it out. Noel told me. What I thought Becca and I were doing was so far from what was actually happening. I had a ring, and she had a better option. I felt like I’d been dropped back in school, confused and struggling to keep up with what everyone else understood. Praying no one could tell. If Noel hadn’t seen it, who knows how long it would have continued, me stupidly unaware that I was the butt of the joke.

But she did tell me. I returned the ring, turned down the job, and two weeks after that, I got the money like Noel said I would. It was the proof I needed of what was for me and what wasn’t, and I’ve kept my heart stored safely at Fortune ever since.

And that worked out just fine until now. Until Noel showed up again, and all the defense mechanisms I’ve spent the last two years honing crumbled with one wide-eyed, blushing smile. I feel like I’ve been in one of those highway trances where you look around and find yourself home without remembering making the decisions that got you there. Here I am, obsessing over Noel, without ever deciding to let myself get here.

“Look,” Em says when I’ve been silent long enough that the rain is starting to soak us both. “I get it. If you don’t try, you can’t fail, right?”

I let out a tired laugh. “That’s one benefit.”

“But you also can’t move up. Be better. Grow. All I’m saying is this fear you’ve been hiding behind lately, it isn’t you. Stop counting yourself out before you even play. You’re too good for that shit.”

I nod, but a bigger realization is settling onto my shoulders, heavy and painful, and demanding my attention. The real problem is that it’sNoelwho’s too good for that shit. She’s too good for me to pretend this is still some business arrangementwhen it’s become so much more than that. And she’s too good for me to just let this go the way I did with Becca, without even trying to figure out what went wrong.

Em’s right. If I want a chance at keeping Noel around, I’m going to have to tap into that part of me who used to not be so afraid to take a risk.

“Are you gonna charge me for this?” I ask Em to break a little of this tension.

She shakes her head and sighs like I am insufferable. “I hate that you made me compliment you just then.”

“Had one at the ready though, didn’t you?”

“Whatever. You still leaving?”

I nod. For the first time since she’s been out here busting my balls, Em smiles. “You going to call your girl?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m gonna call her.”

eighteen

Noel

“Doyouthinkroséor white goes better with Doritos?” Kate asks, holding up a bottle in each hand.

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