Page 91 of Corrupted Lies

Jake was shaking his head vigorously by the time she finished her sentence. How could she say that? If it were solelyup to him, she would be dead. There had been no way for him to save her when the smoke man doused her in gasoline and threatened to set her alight.

She’d saved herself.

Reaching out a hand, she took one of his and laced their fingers together. A look of tentative hope on her face made his stomach drop. He knew where this was going, and he wasn't sure he was ready—or ever would be—to have this conversation.

“Before the boat found us, I had something I wanted to tell you. Something important,” Alannah said, a fine tremor to her voice that told him she, too, was nervous about having this conversation.

Just braver than him because she was going to push for it, whereas he would have just moved forward, pretending the last couple of days had never happened.

“Things have changed, Jake,” she said softly, her fingers tightening around his.

“What are you saying?” he demanded, slightly too harshly if Alannah’s flinch was anything to go by. “Are you saying we’re still just best friends, or are you trying to tell me you want more?”

For a few seconds, she just looked at him, and he got the uncomfortable feeling that she was actually looking all the way inside him and down to his soul.

“It would be easier to just say I don’t want things to change, that we should pretend we didn't have sex several times, but I can't do that,” she told him. “I don’t want to lie. I know we never talked about it, that when we were on the island it felt like we were in another, somewhat simpler universe, but my feelings for you have changed. I want more. I want a future where maybe we explore this new development, see where it goes.”

His pulse pounded in his ears.

Everything she’d said was everything he was afraid of.

What if they tried and it turned out he wasn't enough for her?

Never in his life had he been enough for someone.

If they did what Alannah wanted and it didn't work out, there would be no going back. He’d lose his best friend.

That wasn't a risk he was prepared to take.

“Look, Alannah, I don’t want things to change, I'm sorry. I just want to be your friend.” The lie tasted bitter on his tongue, but now that he’d said the words, he couldn’t take them back. “It’s not that I don’t care about you or don’t want you in my life, of course I do. You're my best friend and you always will be, but I don’t want to risk messing up our friendship. Can you understand that?”

“I understand,” she whispered, pulling her hand away from his. “It’s because I'm not worth the risk,” she said softly, doing her best to hide her devastation but failing miserably.

That wasn't it at all, although he had no idea how to convince her of that.

It was becausehewasn't worth the risk. Jake wasn't sure he had what Alannah deserved, and if he didn't, and she wound up dumping him, there would really be no going back.

Hurting her sucked and he hadn't wanted to have this conversation right now, but he also couldn’t offer her false hope. He wasn't good enough for her. Sooner or later he’d fail her like he had on the boat.

“Hey, nothing has to change,” he said, forcing a smile he certainly didn't feel, and reached out to ruffle her hair like he would any other time. “We’re still best friends. You're still my sunshine, and I'm still your grumpy.”

Because Jake was afraid that if he stayed around her any longer he’d confess his true feelings, his fears and insecurities, he pushed to his feet. It was running away like a coward, but it was all he could handle when his emotions were so fresh and raw.

“I'm going to let you get some rest, but we’ll talk later, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Alannah echoed without any conviction.

As he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek then hurried out of the room, he wondered if he’d already done exactly what he was afraid of.

Had lying and turning her down done exactly what he was afraid of anyway?

It felt like there was no good answer. Either he didn't give them a chance and lost her, or he gave them a chance and lost her.

Either way, he lost.

October 21st

6:35 P.M.

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