Page 10 of Desperate Times

“Is that why you can’t look at me, because you’ve changed? You think I care about you having a baby with somebody else? I mean I care, but it ain't stopping shit. I’m not expecting you to be the same.” Finally, she turned to me. She was still pissed, but there was something sensitive in her eyes. Like she just wanted to be heard, so I listened.

“How could you do that to me? I trusted you and I was vulnerable. I mean Jahsir, you literally vanished without a trace. Do you know how long it took me to recover from that? In case you don’t know, I haven’t!”

"Life happened, Red. Had to lay low for a bit."

"Why couldn't you communicate that? One minute, we were making plans to make moves, and the next, you were gone. You dipped, Rashad got locked up, and even he wouldn't tell me where you were. Shit I mean how could he? He didn’t even have me on the visitors list.Now I'm realizing Venus knew something too. I'm not stupid, I know what kind of shit you and Rashad was on. And yes, I assumed you disappearing had something to do with it. But still, nothing? No bat signal, no private call, nothing. I really wanna know how you could do that to me after promising me the world. You blindsided the fuck out of me."

"My bad, Red. Shit went left with Dro, and I had to make a split decision. Keeping in contact would have left me in a cell next to Rashad. Nobody eats if we’re both locked up.”

"Well, you moved on with your life. I had no choice but to do the same. Scarlett is the product of that. And I don’t regret any decisions I’ve made.

“And you shouldn’t, she’s beautiful and the best part of you.”

“She's the only thing that brings me joy these days.”

The waitress arrived, placing two crab boils in front of us. Crimson reached into her purse and retrieved some hand sanitizer. She dabbed some onto her hand, then slid it over to me. She opened her bag and put on her gloves. She didn’t waste any time digging in, and neither did I.

“You seem sad, Red. I understand it’s partially due to me. There aren’t enough apologies I could give you to erase the pain I've caused. But still, there's something else.”

"Just the life of a single mother. I am not complaining. It is what it is. I just want to have some light-hearted fun. I miss kickbacks, carnivals, all the fun stuff we used to do. Life got serious out of the blue. And also, I love Auntie Ruby and appreciate her help, but she can be a lot. Like a WHOLE lot," she emphasized.

"How so?"

“I don't think she likes me.”

"You trippin, Red. That's your blood."

"Scarlett is somebody's blood too and he doesn't care if she has a pot to piss in. Well, diapers, I should say." We both laughed, but a hint of sadness crept over her as she continued. "I'm serious. She took me in and I am grateful. But, I've always known that I was an extra mouth to feed and nothing more. She took me in out of obligation. It didn't help that she and my mother had a strained relationship before she died."

"Ruby loves you. Even if she has an odd way of showing it."

"She might. She may even love me more once I get out of her crib. So that's my only focus right now.."

“How did you end up back there? I helped you move into your own crib a few years ago.”

"Um. Let me make a long, embarrassing story short: I was evicted. And with that on my record, I had no choice but to move back to Auntie Ruby’s house. I’m fighting it in eviction court.But with this on my record, nobody wants to rent to me. If they do, they want the first and last months’ rent AND 2 months of security. Who the hell has that kind of money?"

"I do. Find a place and tell me how much you need.”

“No. That’s not necessary, I will continue to take care of myself the best way I can.”

Her words weren’t sharp but they were final. Her tone and the way her body reacted made it clear her walls were up. Behind her pride I could see she was struggling. She wouldn’t let me help, not because she didn’t need it, but because my absence taught her not to trust my presence. I felt guilty that she felt compelled to be overly independent but I also admired it.

“If you need anything, Red, and I mean anything. You call me first. Don't call Ruby, Rashad, or your baby daddy. You hit me and only me."

“Jahsir I-”

“Lemme stop you right there, beautiful. Save your breath. There'sno 'I can't ask you to do that’, or none of that other shit floating around your brain. I got you, and I got your baby girl."

“But you left.”

"And now I'm back.”

"Jah. Thank you, I'm gonna run to the bathroom," she added with her eyes full of tears still refusing to allow them to fall in front of me. She stood, scooting out of the booth and made her way to the ladies room.

Lil mama was a shell of herself and understandably so. She was a new mom, tired, living under a money-hungry aunt, and struggling to make ends meet. Asking me for help would probably be the last thing she'd do. So when the coast was completely clear, I peeled off ten hundred-dollar bills and slid them into her purse. I also made a mental note of her struggle. I left Crimson fifteen thousand dollars. She hadn’t mentioned a word about it, which meant she never got it. And while 15kwasn’t enough to sustain her over the years, it still would have given her some relief on a rainy day. I needed to holler at Rashad and his mother. Word.

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