Page 15 of Desperate Times

“Jah,” I sighed as I collapsed into his chest. I broke out in tears, feeling the overwhelming presence of his support. He said nothing else, just held me close and firm in his grip. For the first time in what felt like forever, I didn’t have to be strong or pretend like I had it all figured out. His silence spoke volumes. He was here for me; I just had to let him be.

Spending the day with Jahsir was unexpected. Time had changed nothing but our ages. Being around him felt oddly familiar and made it easy to slip back into our old routines for the most part. At first, our conversation was light, mostly filled with small talk about work and the foolishness I dealt with over the last year. But as we wandered through store after store, the tension that had once defined us began to fade. I suppose we were making room for a new relationship, friendship, or whatever we were.

We strolled through the aisles, and I had to keep a close eye on Jahsir. He eagerly tossed items into the cart without a second thought. Clothes, stacks of diapers, rattles, bottles, he grabbed them all. “I just want to be prepared”, he kept urging me. Then came two baby bouncers and a swing. When I tried to draw the line there, he insisted. Somehow, we ended up at Footlocker and left with four pairs of shoes that she wouldn’t be able to wearfor at least a year from now. Then we went to Bloomingdale's. That is when I lost the fight, and he bought an $1,800 crib. Very unnecessary. But also, very Jah.

I had no idea how long Jahsir planned for us to stay with him, but Scarlett had enough baby furniture to last her through every stage of her first year. As for myself, there wasn’t much to get. Still, Jah insisted on restocking my wardrobe and now I had eight pairs of pants, eight blouses, and three pairs of shoes. Even that felt excessive. It was hard accepting him spending so much on me, especially at Bloomingdale’s of all places. I wasn’t ready for him to go back to that, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

When we got back to his place, I was once again struck by how stunning it was. Last night, I was so pissed that I couldn’t see past my anger. But today, I was taking it all in. The warm tones of brown, black, and gray, and the exposed brick made for a breathtaking loft. It was captivating and almost felt too beautiful to be cluttered with baby gear. The space was cozy and just taking it all in made me want to curl up on the couch and drift off. Exhaustion settled in my bones, but somehow, Jahsir had a surge of energy. While he built the crib, I focused on assembling smaller things like Scarlett’s swing and bouncer.

Music played softly in the background as we sat on opposite sides of each other, assembling the items. Jahsir moved effortlessly, putting together her crib as if he’d done it so many times before. I, on the other hand, struggled with something as basic as the swing.

“This is dumb.” I sighed in frustration. “Where are parts A and B? And why are they telling me to sit G and H to the side if I'm supposed to have A and B in my hand. It's throwing me off.”

“See, I told you to let me take care of this. But no, Ms. Independent, you just had to do it yourself.” Jah taunted me as he screwed in one of the parts on the crib.

“And I told you she didn’t need all of this. Now look at me struggling.”

“She needs the world. This swing is only part of it. Just find something else to do, Crim. I know those clothes aren’t enough to get you through the month. Go do some online shopping or something. My card is on the kitchen table.” He added, never looking up.

“Don’t try to bribe me with shopping, Jah. You know that's my weakness.” I rolled my eyes and continued focusing on the swing. I stared at the manual, squinting at it, hoping it would start to make sense. It didn’t. When I looked up, he was staring at me.

“Alright now, if that swing collapses with lil mama in it, me and you gon have a problem.”

“Okay fine. It's time for her to eat anyway.”

“Let her sleep, Crim. You’re so schedule-oriented.” He observed. “You didn’t use to be that way.”

“Parenting changed me. Anxiety did as well. Controlling everything around me keeps me sane.”

“Or it makes you insane. You’ll drive yourself crazy racing an imaginary clock. If you’re off track by ten minutes, it’ll do nothing but add stress. Relax sometimes. Scarlett will tell you when she’s ready to eat.”

“You don’t know anything about babies, Jah. Unless you got some floating around that I don’t know about.”

“You wanna know the truth?” he asked. I nodded, and my heart dropped thinking he was about to admit to also having a family somewhere. I couldn’t understand how he was unfazed by Scarlett being here. If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd be taking it hard. “When I heard you were pregnant, I started reading up on babies and all that other shit.”

“You-you did?” I stammered in awe. “Why?”

“Because I knew I’d return, not just as your man, but as a father. And I wanted to be prepared.”

For a moment, we both stared at each other. His declaration stirred up feelings within me. I was happy to know he always intended to return and ecstatic that he was willing to treat Scarlett like his own. Then sadness washed over me thinking about lost time, and fear settled in thinking about our future;what future, I wondered. My thoughts were interrupted when Scarlett stirred from her sleep and began to cry.

“Saved by the bell,” I muttered under my breath, tearing my eyes away from his.

Scarlett’s subtle cries filled the air, breaking the silence that initially captured us. I went to warm up her bottle, then sat on Jahsir’s sofa, cozying up to feed her. I was busy rocking Scarlett back to sleep, and when I looked up, I met eyes with Jahsir. He smiled and shook his head.

“What, punk?” I asked.

“It took your roof caving in before you actually let me help you. You’re stubborn as hell.”

“Hmm. I am. But if I’m being honest, at first, I felt like you only wanted to help me out of guilt. Because you felt bad for leaving me.”

Jah moved closer to me, and my heart dipped in my chest. “Let me say this. Yes, I felt bad about leaving, but I took a risk. I left to keep my freedom and when I made that decision, I made it knowing you could fall for another nigga. It didn’t matter because I was willing to kill that muthfucka to get you back. Still willing.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I’m ready to give you the world and in return I want all of you. You trust me?” He asked, reaching for my free hand. His eyes were hypnotizing, and if I'm being honest, Jahhas never lied to me. I didn’tnottrust him; it’s just that history makes me question myself. “Do you, Red? Trust me?”

“I want to,” I replied, swallowing the lump in my throat.

---