Page 3 of Desperate Times

“BFF!” Venus shouted and waved from the grill. Her dad was hard at work while she danced with a plate in her hands. I waved back and headed over to her. “You made it. And looking the fuck goodT.”

“Hey, Mr. Barnes.” I greeted her dad and gave him a one-armed hug. “You look good too, girl. I wasn’t expecting so many people to be here.” I added. The crowd was larger than normal, folks were louder, and even the music seemed to blare over the speakers with an intense thud. My anxiety was going into overdrive because everything screamed at me to run. I assessed the scene. Clearly, I was the only one tripping. Everybody else was having a good time.

“See, this is what happens when you isolate yourself from the world. Baby, you look scared as hell, okayyy! You need a drink. Follow me, but leave all that anxious shit behind.”

Venus was right. I had started to sweat, playing all of the worst-case scenarios in my head. Any second now, the grill was gonna blow, just like at the end of Final Destination 2. Or maybea fight would break out, somebody would start shooting, and I'd get popped. I'd bleed out right here, and Scarlett, oh my God, she’d grow up without a mother. And without a father too since Que wasn’t shit. She’d be left with my aunt, just like I was, wondering if her family even loved her. She’d feel like a burden, and then-Crimson, stop!I screamed in my head. Anxiety had me in a chokehold as always. I literally had to talk out loud to myself in order for it to release its claws from my neck. Ever since Scarlett was born, my mind had become my worst enemy. Not today.Not today.I reminded myself again as we headed toward the bar area Venus had set up.

“What do you want, girl?”

“Lemme get Bacardi and pineapple juice,” I replied, leaning on the makeshift bar. Her cousin filled the red cup and handed me my drink. Immediately, I took a sip. “Venus, it's too lit out here. It feels like a block club party, girl.”

Venus laughed, and I couldn’t quite figure out why. She had some sort of agenda, and I was not in on it. Her eyes were very telling, and she had a mischievous sparkle in them.

“Brace yourself boo.” She smiled as she took my drink from me. “Look over there, at the banner.”

“The banner?” My eyes circled the yard until I zoomed in on the banner hanging above the patio door. “Welcome home?”

Venus grinned and went into full-blown laughter at my confusion. But then, a familiar voice, clear and smooth, called my name. I’d know that voice over any speaker or crowd chatter. My head snapped around and zoomed in on my cousin, who sifted through the sea of people with ease and command.

“Rashad?.....Shad?!” I gasped. My cousin, whom I had not seen in 4 years, was standing before me and looking amazing. He was leaner, rocking a fresh cut, shorts, a white tee, and some colorful weed socks. He maneuvered through the crowd at snail speed. I stood frozen, taking it in and making sure this wasn’tsome lucid dream. I was hit with joy, confusion, relief, and pity all at once. My cousin had his freedom snatched from him, and while I was happy he was home, I couldn’t help but wonder what he endured.

“Crimmm, what's good lil cuz?”

“It's really you!” I cried as tears slipped out of my eyes. Embracing him, I collapsed onto his chest. “You look good, cousin.”

“How can you tell, you won’t let him go, girl?” Venus added with a chuckle.

“It's been a minute, huh?” Shad smiled, giving me a once-over. “You are beautiful as always.”

“Thank You!! Oh My God, I literally cannot believe you are home! Does Auntie Ruby know?”

“Yeah, she knows! You thought she agreed to hold on to the baby for free for nothing?”

“Clearly not.” We both laughed. Only Shad knew how money hungry his mama was. People automatically assumed she’d give me leeway because I was family, but she was tight on money with him, too.

We posted up in the backyard under a canopy of string lights.They flickered against the evening haze adding to the ambiance. Then, the street lights started to come on. A flood of memories washed over me. The air was heavy with the smell of Thai Charcoal and the echo of old Prince songs filled the atmosphere. Venus’ dad was still manning the grill which made the choice of music apparent. Happiness and the sound of clinking ice drifted through the warm night. I wanted to be present and enjoy the scene, but was too busy thinking about Rashad.

My eyes were locked on him. Rashad sat leaned back in a white lawn chair, relaxed like he’d never left. With one ankle resting on his knee he sipped from his red cup clearly enjoyinghimself. Damn I didn’t want to be the one to dredge up memories of prison, especially since he had just got out. But I had to know.

“Was it bad Shad? Prison life?”

“Naw. I already had clout, Crim. That shit was a cakewalk,” he said, cracking open a can of Sprite. “I didn’t let it go to my head, though. I earned my respect with the old heads, and just stayed solid the whole time.”

I stared at him studying his face. He appeared to be honest, which then made me feel ridiculous thinking about all the things I’d thought was happening behind the wall. “I tried not to imagine it. But sometimes, I’d picture you onBeyond Scared Straight, or caught up in some race war likeBlood In, Blood Out.”

Shad chortled. “A race war at a damn near all black prison is insane Crim. That’s wild as hell.” He laughed further, making me feel crazier, but I eventually laughed too. “Nah, but for real, I was good. Shit I’mma be real with you, I spent most of my time practicing tattoos on oranges and other fruit.”

“Tattoos?”

“Yeah. It was one of the trades they offered on the inside. I could’ve taken the mechanic route, but shit I already know all I need to know about cars.”

“You were really up in there cooling and learning huh?” I smiled, as the tension in my chest started loosening. “Lemme find out you planning on having your own reality show. All we need is you to misspell somebody's grandma name in their tat. Your ratings would be through the roof.”

“Ain’t no typos in my ink,” he added, flashing that cocky grin I loved and missed.

“Okay Prison Ink!”

Stories, jokes, and laughter that took my breath away, flowed effortlessly as we fell into our familiar rhythm. By the time I’dcleaned off two plates of ribs and wrapped a third to go, I felt something I hadn’t in a long time: hope, maybe even a little bit of peace.

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