Page 23 of Actually Yours

“Not right now.” It’s the truth. I’m seeing Tom…later.

“Well, just remember what I’ve always told you. Find a man who is…”

“Not married to his job,” I finish her sentence, having heard it a million times before. She’s nothing if not consistent with her bitterness.

“And don’t expect whoever it is, not to cheat.”

My stomach drops at this.How is she so OK telling herdaughterthis? To expect a man to treat her badly just because that is all either of us has ever known? Shouldn’t she want more for me? Shouldn’tIwant more formyself?

The dating plan is becoming more and more attractive the longer I stay on this phone call.Maybe I do need a way to break the toxic cycle I’ve been in…forever.

“Well, anyway, Mum. It’s been nice talking to you,” I lie. “But I think I’m heading off to bed.” More lies. I have a date with Rory and Lorelai that I’m dying to get to. A mother/daughter dynamic so different from my own, it’s like an aspirational dream.

“Come and visit me soon,” she demands. “You know the holiday season is hard for me.”

Another silent groan. Every year when December rolls around, Mum gets more depressed. Then her sadness turns to anger and we both get bogged down by it. Fun times ahead.

“I will,” I promise, knowing she only has me to rely on. A heavy burden. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Love you,” she says as an afterthought. I grab onto it, holding it close so that I won’t dread the next time I have to call her.

“I love you too, Mum.”

We hang up and I sigh. A painful sigh that tries to purge all the negative feelings that rush to the surface when I’m speaking with her. My duty done, now I get to indulge.

Gilmore Girlsit is.

Patting my haircap—still another forty-five minutes left on my treatment—I grab a box of Tiny Teddies from the pantry and make my way to the living room. Once there, I flop down ontothe couch and settle into a comfortable position, stretching out length-wise with my feet elevated over the arm of the couch and carefully drape myself with two plush blankets, using the couch cushions to create a cushion fort around me.

“There,” I say into the silence as I turn on Netflix and skip to the season where I’d left off.Oh goody, season five. The one where Luke and Lorelaifinallyget together.

“Oh Luke, you’re such a big softie,” I tell the TV through a mouthful of chocolate chip teddies. “How Lorelai waited so long to let you in is beyond me.”

With my heart in my eyes, I watch my two favourite characters on their first date.

“Do you remember the first time we met?” Luke asks a luminous-looking Lorelai and then goes on to describe in great detail what he remembers from their first encounter. He loved her from the start.

“Have I ever had that feeling?” I wonder into the empty living room. “Meeting someone and everything being just, right?”

My mind, against both my will and my better judgment, takes me away from Stars Hollow and transports me back to the only time I’ve ever felt anything close to that feeling. Of being in the right place, at the right time…with the right person.

*****

It was just over twelve months ago, and the night had started like any other night. Having just watched my best friend Bella fall deeply in love with her roommate Daniel, I’d decided it was time to dip my toe back into the dating pool again. Still a little bitter after the last heartbreak, I’d carefully scoured the online dating apps, looking for one that would bring the right sort of people—men—into my life. Given the many times I’d been swayed by a pretty face in the past, I’d settled on a dating app modelledafter one of my favourite reality TV shows,Love is Blind, where candidates aren’t allowed to upload pictures and instead the technology in the app chooses potential perfect matches based on shared values and personality traits.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Bella had asked me over the phone, the night of my first blind/blind date. “This feels super risky.”

I’d just pulled up in front of the restaurant where I was meeting my potential soulmate. It was too late to back out. Besides, the guy I’d chosen to go out with seemed super cool. And he was a musician. I had a good feeling about the whole thing.

“I need to give this a try,” I’d told her, chewing on my bottom lip, my nerves threatening to overwhelm me.

“OK but send me an SOS message if you need saving. I’m on standby.”

This had made me feel better, so after I hung up with Bella, with many assurances that I’d be safe, I made my way inside. And stopped dead in my tracks.How am I supposed to find this guy when the entire experience was blind?

“Can I help you?” I looked up to see the hostess staring at me expectantly.

“Um, I’m meeting someone?”

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