Page 49 of Actually Yours

“Why not?” Amy asks. Now it’s her turn to look confused. “Robby dumped you. Unceremoniously, if I remember.”

“Thanks for the reminder.” I humph in her direction.

“So, he left you. Ghosted you for the last six months. Why can’t you go out with his brother?”

The five of them look at me expectantly, and I shake my head. Surely, they know the rules of dating, the rules ofsociety. You can’t just go out with an ex-boyfriend’s brother. It would be like cheating in the future. Or something.

“And Robby has a new girlfriend,” Bella adds to the case in favour of my dating Jake. “And he was and is a douche. And Jake is so yummy. I don’t see the problem.”

“You guys don’t think it’s wrong? That it would seem like I wanted Jake while I was with Robby?” This is a secret fear of mine, that it would look like I was unfaithful to Robby by being emotionally attracted to his brother while we were together.

“Is that true? Did you have feelings for Jake while you were with Robby?” Amy asks the sensible question and silence follows as I gather my thoughts.

“I met Jake first,” I admit, watching their eyes grow wide at this new piece of information. Well, all of them except Bella, who’d known about my first encounter with Jake from almost the minute after it happened. I’d called her from the bathroom stall that very evening. “I’d been waiting to meet Robby on a date. You know, that Love Is Blind dating app I used?”

They all nod. They lean forward, hanging on my every word.

“Jake came up to me at the bar and there was an instant spark. I mean, the man looks like Clark Kent, but hotter.”

“Amen to that,” Lilly agrees, cheers-ing her wine glass in my direction.

“But then Robby came over and we realised he was my LIB perfect match. So, I spent the evening with him. And really, he was my type. A musician, a bit of a rebel, a man who moved to the beat of his own drum. He seemed like the guy I should be with.”

“You wanted Robby?” Bella asks, only a hint of doubt in her voice. Because, upon reflection, who would choose Robby over Jake?

“I did. Jake appeared to be everything I didn’t want in a man. He was career focussed, married to his job and I put all thoughts of him and that initial meeting behind me. I went all in on Robby. You guys remember how mad I was about him.”

They give me matching, frowny nods.

“You were certainly infatuated with him,” Amy says after another pause.Infatuated. An interesting choice of word.“But I always wondered if it was more about the chase with Robby. He was never fully in with you, you know? So, you never felt safe. You were the one always trying to get him to commit.”

That isn’t how it was. Was it?

“That’s how you guys saw my relationship? Like I was the desperate one chasing after a guy who wasn’t into me?” My stomach churns at this.How pathetic am I?

“No!” Bella comes to sit next to me, rubbing my back in a soothing motion. “That’s not it. It’s just that with Robby, and really all your relationships, you are the giver. The one putting in the effort. You’re in 100 per cent and the men, they seem to…not be in it as much.”

“Is that how you all see my relationships?”

Their silence screams their answers to me.

Huh.I knew I had a messy dating history and that my parental example hadn’t set me up for a healthy view on relationships, but had I really had such an obvious pattern of dating men who don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Have I been unconsciously picking unsuitable men and therefore setting myself up to repeat my relationship with my father over and over again?

“Well, that sucks.” My bottom lip trembles and I take a sip from my wine glass to cover it up. Not that I want to be drinking, still nursing last night’s hangover, but it gives me something to focus on other than my emotional baggage being strewn all over the living room floor.

“You’re not the only one with terrible dating habits,” Madi says, a frown worrying at her brow. “I only attract men who want to settle down and get married.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I ask, perplexed.

“I don’t have time for any of that. What’s wrong with just a casual date, two people enjoying a meal together? Why does it have to go somewhere?”

“Maybe you and I should swap? I’ll date your guys and you can date my losers?”

We laugh at this, but mine sounds as hollow as I feel. I’d known my dating history hadn’t been great—a lot of no-hopers in that bunch—but I hadn’t realised how emotionally unavailable all the men I’d chosen to date were.There’s definitely a lot I need to unpack here. Time for a few therapy sessions, perhaps.

“So, that’s a no for dating Jake?” Bella pipes up, bringing us back to the original point of this conversation. Jake. Right on cue, my cheek tingles at the memory of his lips and I squash it all down.He’s not an option for me. He can’t be. I can’t be that person.

I’ve seen the devastation that’s left behind when a person cheats, and I don’t want any part in it. Even if it’s only the perceptionof cheating. In the past.

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