Page 50 of Actually Yours

“I can’t do it.” Both my words and my voice sound as sorrowful as I feel, and my friends take pity on me, not pushing the point. Too much.

“I still think you can and maybe one day you’ll figure out why you’re actually pushing him away,” Bella says, holding up a hand to stop my protest. “But if you insist on being a martyr about this, I have one more guy for you to meet, he—”

“—Nooooo—” I elongate the word to really emphasise how much I don’t want her to finish this sentence.

“—He’s an electrician,” she continues like I hadn’t just said the world’s longest no. “And I had him lined up for the next date, knowing Dr. Dave would be a dud.”

“Hey!” Amy jumps in.

“I was right,” Bella tells her sister-in-law with a smug smile. “But this guy I’ve vetted and he’s perfect for you. Tall, blonde, handsome. He comes from a family with four sisters, so he knows how to be around women and hopefully treat them with respect. And he’s funny. Have you ever dated a funny guy?”

Turns out I’ve never dated a decent guy, so funny hasn’t really been on my radar. “Umm, no?”

“What have you got to lose by dating one more guy?”

“My dignity, my sanity, my will to live.” I tick the reasons off, counting on my fingers as I go. “I said no more dating plan.”

“Just one more,” she cajoles while the other ladies send me pleading looks. Clearly, my dating life is the only entertainment these women have in their lives.

“Ugh, Bella. I really don’t want to.” I dig my heels in, memories of the drunken Escape Room guy flashing through my mind. “None of this is worth it.”

“But you want to find someone, Millie. That’s what started all of this.” She has me there. I’m tired of being alone. Of being the seventh wheel in a group of coupled-up people. Of navigating my way through the world by myself.

My resolve weakens. Would it be terrible to agree to just one more date?

“Alright, I’m in. I’m giving you one more chance.”

The five of them look at each other, their faces alight with joy. “You won’t regret this, Millie. This guy will be perfect for you.”

Famous last words.

*****

I have five days to regret my decision to go out with Mike, the electrician. Five days where I visit the Love, Lilly café daily in search of a soul-soothing brownie and nothing more. Definitely not in search of a certain man with green eyes that flash behind mine whenever I close them.

“You’ve been here a lot this week,” the ever-observant Bella says as she sits across from me, a heart-shaped chocolate chip cookie in her hand.

I shrug. It’s not like she’s wrong. “I’ve been needing Lilly’s treats more than usual.”

She watches me closely, her brow furrowed. “Are you OK?”

I want to reassure her with lies, but I don’t. It’s Bella, and she knows me too well. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you guys said. You know? About only being with emotionally unavailable men?”

“That’s not uncommon, Millie. Lots of people end up in that sort of pattern. I think it’s a protective mechanism, so you don’t get hurt.”

“But I do get hurt,” I protest into my brownie. “I choose the wrong men to guard my heart, but still end up getting it broken when they inevitably leave me.”

She looks at me closely, giving me the best friend stare. “I don’t want to take away from any of the hurt you feel when your relationships blow up—”

“Gee, thanks.”

“—But,” she holds up her hand. “But I think if you’d been with someone you’d really wanted, really loved and they left you the way Robby did, you’d feel differently.”

I frown. “What do you mean?”

“Don’t get mad,” she starts and immediately my hackles rise. “But I think you chose these men because you know they will inevitably let you down and you won’t ever have to be in an actual relationship. You won’t ever have the fear of really getting hurt.”

“Ouch.” I rub my temples, my head and heart hurting at her words. “Is that what you really think?”

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