Page 71 of Actually Yours

“That’s normal.”

I can’t help the snort that slips out from me. “Bella, I love you, but nothing about me is normal.”

She huffs, a supremely annoyed huff. “Don’t you remember how hard Daniel fought against his feelings for me? And how scared I was to stay here for him, not trusting in what we had together?”

I think back to the time when Bella and Daniel were not the solid couple they are today. When Daniel had been so consumed with his grief over the loss of his mum, that he’d pushed Bella away, repeatedly. And how, after they’d jumped over that hurdle, Bella had been the one to want to run away from their relationship, unsure whether he was worth the risk of uprooting her entire life for.So maybe everyone is messed up in their own special way?

“Yeah, but you guys had a deep friendship to fall back on when things got rough. Jake and I have barely a handful of moments together.”

The muffin in my stomach flips at this.How is it I’d spent six months wasting time with someone like Robby and have only had a matter of hours with someone as amazing as Jake?

“The time spent together doesn’t matter, Millie,” Bella scolds me gently. “It is the quality of the time. And the connection between the two people. Let me ask you this: have you ever been this open about your family history and your insecurities with any of the men you’ve dated in the past?”

She’s got me there. “To be fair, I only just figured out I had all this emotional baggage.”

Bella tsks at me. “Not baggage, Millie. You need to reframe it. You’ve lived an experience that shapes your adult relationships. And that sort of trauma doesn’t go away overnight. You are beinghonest about it now, working through it. And it sounds like Jake would want to work through it with you.”

I think back to our conversation last night, how he’d supported me, excused my behaviour, cheered on my breakthroughs. None of his actions suggested he viewed me as damaged. As anything other than someone worthy of love.

“I messed up!” I flop over onto my front and moan into my pillow. “He’s so amazing and I ran away from him. When he’d been so vulnerable with me.”

“It’s OK to have a freakout.” She strokes my hair. “I pushed Daniel away after he’d flown to the other side of the world to be with me. If we can get through that, you two can get through a momentary freak out on the beach.”

Her words, though reasonable, are not having their desired effect. I’d seen Jake’s face, his disappointment, his resignation, like he knew I was going to do exactly what I did. I’m a walking cliché.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

She pouts as I peer up at her over the pillow stuffed against my face. “But we haven’t come up with a plan.”

“Please, Bella. I need to take a break from thinking about all of this…” A break from thinking about Jake. He’s been running around in my head for too long now.

“OK.” She brightens. “Let’s stay in our pyjamas and watch Christmas movies!” She looks so delighted with her suggestion that I give in, even though every fibre of my being wants to sulk in bed, not enjoy movies filled with holiday cheer.

“I’ve got a whole DVD collection that I brought over with me from Italy.” She bounces off the bed, a new plan to focus on. “You can choose the first one.”

“DVDs? Really?”

She tugs on my hand, urging me to get moving. “It’s the only way to make sure I have them all available to me when I want to watch them.”

“Poor Daniel,” I grumble as I follow her to the living room.

“I heard that.”

“I meant you to.”

She chuckles, not the least bit offended, and I take in the sheer volume of Christmas decorations surrounding us. I know Bella loves, loves,lovesChristmas and each year since she moved here, she’s upped her decorating game, but this is the next level. Every inch of space is covered in Christmas cheer. Daniel, the minimalist, must be losing his mind over this.

“Isn’t it great?” Bella beams at me, watching me do a 360-degree spin, my mouth hanging open.

“It’s…something.”

“Daniel told me to decorate the place how I want…” she trails off, her head tilted, perhaps looking at it through my eyes and seeing that she’s gone a little overboard. “And I think it’s just right.”

Perhaps not.

“Your husband must have his love goggles on permanently to live with all of this.” I point to a trio of life-sized elves standing next to us in the hallway, watching us with their dead eyes. It’s creepy.

“They light up!”

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