Page 15 of Emma and the Elf Next Door

“Show me!” Carly’s eyes are shining and her grin is wide. Being ‘a thousand pounds with pregnancy weight’ (again, her words, not mine), she’s finding it hard to move off the couch. Apparently, my neighbourly war is the most entertaining thing happening in her life right now.

That’s just sad.

“Well, first, he left more cookies!” I hold up the box, light blue this time, currently filled with nine scrumptious chocolate chip cookies. “And they’re the best ones yet. I think he makes them because these are warm and gooey on the inside.”

She groans, licking her lips. “Oh my gosh, that sounds amazing. I could eat a bucketload right now.” Her pregnancy cravings have included all things chocolate, so this must be torture for her. “Save me one?”

I look between her face and the box in my lap, indecision swimming through me. I’ve been best friends with Carly foralmost twenty years…but these cookies are next-level yummy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to resist eating every single one of them.

“We’ll see,” I mumble non-committed. “But that’s not all he left.”

The cookie-induced pout leaves her face, and she leans in closer to her phone camera. “Show me!”

So, I do. I lift each one out of the box and hold it in front of my phone camera, absorbing her laughter getting louder with every revelation.

“Oh my gosh, he’s so funny.”

A bubble of laughter tickles my throat as I watch her. She’s right. He’s mean and funny. But probably more funny than mean.

“It would have taken him a while to pull this collection together.”

The collection Carly is referring to is a pile of DVDs meant to…insult me? To continue the ‘you’re a sad, single, crazy cat lady’ theme, he’s bought a bunch of DVDs, starting withThe Break Upand moving through the following:

The Runaway Bride

The First Wives Club

How to be Single

How Stella Got Her Groove Back

He’s Just Not That Into You

And ending withKill Bill: Volume 1.

“I mean, he got you DVDs. Who does that?” Carly asks through her tears. Her tears of mirth, to be exact. “And they’re so…pointed.He’s Just Not That Into You? That’s brutal.”

But also, a good movie.

“The guy is an evil genius,” I tell her through another mouthful of cookie, lamenting the fact I’m now down to only eight left. There’s now zero chance I’m saving her one. “This issuch a subtle burn; on the surface, he’s just leaving me a bunch of classic movies to watch. But the theme is clear as day. I’m like the sad single lady in every one of these movies.”

“What’s theKill Billmovie about?” Carly frowns, blowing her newly cut bangs from her eyes. She cut them in a fit of boredom last week and has regretted it ever since. I think they look fabulous on her.

I read the back of the DVD with a frown, not sure why it’s been included in this bunch. “Let me google it.”

Minimising Carly’s face in a small corner on the top of my screen, I type in a quick google search, barking out a laugh at what I find.

“So, apparently, it’s about a woman hell-bent on seeking revenge on her former boss and lover for trying to kill her on her wedding day. It’s a cathartic classic that is the perfect movie to add to your post-breakup watchlist.”

Carly giggles and I smile along with her. The elf has put together quite the extensive list here. Even finding one as obscure as this.

“What are you going to do next?” she asks when our laughter has died down.

I look at the DVDs scattered around me and then at the cookie box, which is now down to seven cookies.

“I’m not sure,” I admit, biting my lip. “What can top this? I’ve tortured him withLove Actuallyuntil I thought he might move out on the spot. And it didn’t deter him. In fact, it spurred him on. I’m not sure I can compete.”

“Don’t give up yet,” my best friend encourages. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want this brand of her entertainment to end just yet. “You’ll come up with something.”

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