Page 122 of Away We Go

No.

“Yes.”

“Nicky has changed. And I believe it’s because of you.”

I pull my lips between my teeth to stop them from trembling, looking down at my empty cup and wishing I’d had the forethought to order two.

“But that doesn’t mean I think it’s a bad thing.”

“What do you mean?”

She tilts her head and tucks a curl behind her ear before responding. “I’ve told you this before, but he’s happier now. Happier than I’ve ever seen him.”

“But he’s not winning.”

“That’s the whole point,” she grins. “Last year he won like eighty percent of his races and most of the time, he was stoic about his success. He’d celebrate up on the podium, smile for the cameras, and then he’d disappear. He never came out for dinner with the team, he rarely did anything outside work-related events and he seemed to me to be…lonely.”

Oh, this descriptionhurts my heart.

“And then you came along. All sweet and fresh and beautiful. Nicky could not take his eyes off you. He lit up when you were around, even if you weren’t paying attention to him. You’ve seen the difference, I’m sure. Suddenly, he’s out celebrating with the team, he’s posting about charity events, he’s coming out dancing. And through all of this, he’s lighter. Less intense. Less like someone with something to prove.”

My heart wants to sing at this, but it’s laden with the underlying implications of what she’s saying.

“But he wants to prove he has another championship title in him. That’s his goal. That’s his passion. If me being here in the team and in his bed means he’s forgotten that, then maybe I’m not the right person for him.”

Her brows draw down in a deep v between her eyes. “I’m not sure that’s true…”

I shake my head and turn to face the window, ending the conversation. Serena is a good friend, telling me the truth while trying not to hurt me. But the reality is that intense, focussed Nicky was winning races. And now he’s not. Isn’t the role of a partner to bring out the best in a person? Not to distract them from what they’ve always wanted the most?

A headache thumps behind my eyes as these thoughts mix with all my self-doubts and swirl through my brain. They can’t all be wrong, can they? All the commentators, and experts, and F1 fans. They all believe Nicky has lost his edge and they all believe it’s because of me. And if one were to read what they think about this situation online (one has been reading this, that one being me), they definitely don’t think I’m worth any of this.

And sadly, this part of all of this? This I know to be one hundred per cent true.

I’m not worth any of it.

• • • ••

“Oh, come on,” Serena groans and I peek out between my fingers.

The race in Singapore is well underway and so far, it has been a chaotic mess. Usually, this race is won on the Saturday with the driver on pole almost always winning the race, but today under the stormy tropical skies, this isn’t the case.

“He lost the lead?” I ask, nibbling on my thumbnail with my eyes glued to the big screen in front of me.

“Yeah,” she sighs.

We’d just had a long red-flag after Nate’s teammate hit the barriers and the race director called for a red flag and then a standing start. This doesn’t happen often, but fans love it when it does because it means they get to see another race start. With lights out and everything. Nicky had been leading the race before the crash, which meant he was in pole position at the re-start, but from what I can see unfolding, he’s already lost it and was down in third place.

“Grr, I hate this.”

Formula 1 can be brutal. Nicky had been in command of the race and with one split-millisecond of a second mistake by another driver and poof, it’s gone.

“He can come back,” Serena says, her curls wild around her face; another victim of the intense Singaporean humidity.

The look I give her is withering and I can’t help it. I’m hot and tired and cranky. And I just needed Nicky to win this race.

“It’s so hard to overtake here.”

She stays silent because she knows it’s true. Once the cars are in a train like this—a DRS train—overtaking is impossible.

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