Page 10 of Bar Down

“I like you, Eli,” she says and heads to Robbie’s room.

When I return to the spare bedroom, Ash is still in the same position as I left him. I take a moment to really look at him, unabashedly. He looks like a disheveled mess, but damn, he’s beautiful. I swallow and lie down next to him on the queen-sized bed. Sleep doesn’t come for hours, but I lie there anyway and listen to him breathe.

Ash

I wakeup at some point during the night, but as soon as I open my eyes and try to stand I can feel the room spinning. I know I drank way too much and that I should have faced Eli and his rejection head on rather than soften the blow with liquor, but I also just wanted to stop feeling so much.

I can’t ever seem to begood enough. Not for my family, not for my friends, not for Eli.

The thought makes me sick to my stomach, or that could just be the alcohol in my system. I stumble through the darkness of what I assume is Robbie’s guest bedroom and make my way to where I think the bathroom is. Except I miss by a whole foot and hit the wall instead. The mattress creaks behind me but I don’t have the energy to even turn around and see who it is.

I hiccup and know without a doubt that I’m about to throw up all over Robbie’s carpet. Warm hands reach for me and grab my biceps, then lead me towards the bathroom. The light turns on the lowest dimmed setting and I spot Eli in the mirror as he guides me to the toilet. He brings me there just in time for me to purge the old year and all the bad decisions I made. A warmhand rubs constant circles on my back and I don’t know if it’s the fact that I’m such a mess or the fact that he’s still so kind to me after everything, that brings me to tears.

I kneel there and heave until there’s nothing else coming out of me and Eli helps me up and leads me to the sink, where he wordlessly hands me a toothbrush and toothpaste. As I sluggishly brush my teeth, he heads out to the bedroom and comes back with a bottle of water that he has me chug down. The light is so dim that it starts to flicker, and I can’t help but take in Eli’s rumpled look.

He looks tired.

He looksbeautiful.

He looks like he deserves better than taking care of me at four in the morning.

All my self hatred comes rushing in and I can’t keep the tears away, so I lean over the sink and put my head in my hands so he doesn’t see me. As much as I like him taking care of me, I don’t want him to only see me at my worst.

His hand lands on my back again, resuming the soothing movements and my shoulders start to shake with my silent crying. I bite my lip so I don’t make a noise.

“Do you need to throw up again?” he gently asks and I can’t do anything but shake my head.

“Why doesn’t anyone want me?” I whisper so quietly, hoping that he doesn’t hear it but needing to say it anyway.

Eli’s comforting movements stop, but a second later he asks, “What?”

I sniffle loudly and stand up fully, slowly looking at him in the mirror. Eli’s eyes are worried, taking in the tears on my face. He’s only an inch or two taller than me, but his broad shoulders and thick thighs make him look larger, and with the way I’m caving in on myself, I feel like a child. Both his hands come up tomy shoulders as he slowly turns me towards him. I can’t help but let out a sob.

“Hey, what is going on?” Eli asks again, arms squeezing me gently.

I hang on to his arms but can’t quite put into words what it is I’m feeling.Shame, sadness, self hatred.All the things I feel on a regular basis.I want to disappear because that will make everyone’s lives easier.

So I just cry. Eli brings me into a tight hug and lets me sob into his shoulder as I repeatedly whisper, “I’m sorry.”

After what feels like forever in his arms, Eli leads me back to the bed. Once I assure him I won’t throw up again, he helps me take off my clothes so I’m left in my boxers and white undershirt. He does the same and joins me back in bed, covering us both with the duvet.

Almost like he senses I need affection, he moves us around so that my back is flush with his front, and his left hand comes around to grip mine. Eli interlaces our fingers and I bring our hands up to my chest, where I hold tight. This is the most intimate position we’ve ever been in together and I can’t help but feel like I forced him into it. One more thing to add to the list of things I hate about myself tonight.

Drinking myself into oblivion?Check.

Pressured my best friend into cuddling me after being an absolute shit all night?Check.

Kissed him like my life depended on it only for him to reject me?Check.

How the fuck am I going to fix this?

FOUR

Eight Months Ago

Eli

I wakeup to the sound of paws scratching at the bedroom door. I try to shift around but I’m trapped by a heavy arm and a body sprawled all over me. I blink down and see Ash’s head on my chest, his right arm around my torso. His legs are tangled up with mine and I try to reign in my feelings. The truth is, I’ve kept my desires and my feelings for Ash locked tight for a while now.

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