Page 15 of Bar Down

I look at my phone but don’t see any replies from Ash.

Where are you? Boarding starts soon

Please tell me you’re not skipping out

I look around once more, hoping to spot Ash’s dark red hair and his freckled face, but he’s not here. The attendant announces that boarding is now starting and I make my way to join the line. As I inch closer to the gate, I keep my head down, staring at my phone and willing Ash to at least have the guts to reply and tell me he ditched me.

“Why are you looking at that phone like it personally wronged you?” a deeply amused voice says from behind me and I spin around so quickly I almost drop my backpack off my shoulder.

“You made it,” I say, looking Ash up and down. He looks terrible. His dark red hair is curling slightly on top, and his scruff is longer than I’ve ever seen. The dress shirt he’s got on is buttoned up the wrong way, his collar askew. He either looks like he came from a hookup or the bar. Knowing his pattern lately, I’d bet it’s the latter. Maybe even both.

I scowl at him and say, “Why do you look like you haven’t showered in a week?”

“Wow, you haven’t even seen me all week. How do you know I haven’t showered?”

“Because you look like that!”

“Like what?” he croons, amusement written all over his face as he leans into my space. I can smell the alcohol on him and I take a step back. This is the pattern I’ve been talking about. Ever since I told him nothing can happen between us, Ash has been drinking more, partying after every game, and sleeping god knows where. Most days he’s not even at his apartment.

We had an extended road trip last week and all of us could tell how much his partying was affecting his game. Robbie tried to talk some sense into him, but that didn’t seem to do much. I want to be honest with him and maybe give him some tough love, but I know I can’t. He’ll just take it the wrong way or put even more distance between us, and that’s the last thing I want. I missed him these last few weeks.

“You look miserable,” I say, and notice the smirk fall off his face.

“Maybe I am,” he mumbles. Ash looks so dejected and sad right now that I contemplate my next move. I sigh and drop my backpack on the floor, taking a step towards him. My arms immediately go around his shoulders and I pull him into me. I don’t usually enjoy hugs or physical touch, but I know Ash does. And maybe I’m playing dirty by pulling him in close when I know that nothing else can happen between us, but he needs to realize that I still need him around. I need my best friend.

So I opt for some truth and vulnerability when I say, “I missed you.” Ash is quiet but I can feel his body go rigid in my arms. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say.

“You saw me last week,” he says, pulling out of my arms but looking everywhere but at me.

So that’s how it’s going to be then, he gets to ignore me, and when I try to have an honest conversation with him, he deflects.

“You know what I mean,” I say and grab my backpack.

Two can play at this game.

The line has moved up, so I head closer to the gate and I hand the attendant my ticket. A minute later, I’m seated by the window with my headphones on and remain that way for the entire flight.

Ash

My head is poundingand the pressure from the plane is not helping one bit. I dig around in my backpack for some painkillers and gulp down an entire bottle of water. I may be hungover, but I need to look presentable for this stupid event. At least the weather will be nice, and I’ll get to see some old friends from the Vermont Vortices. I’m trying to look at the bright side here, if there even is one.

I steal glances at Eli who is seated next to me in first class. His eyes are closed and his pale blond lashes are fanned across his cheekbones. As soon as he sat down, he started listening to music, making it very clear that he doesn’t want to talk to me.

I’m an idiot. I should have told him I missed him back instead of being a smart ass. But that’s just my knee jerk reaction when I feel too overwhelmed by my own feelings. And the truth is, as soon as I saw Eli standing there in line to get on the plane, all the feelings I’ve been trying to repress for the last month started to bubble up to the surface.

Because Ididmiss him, quite a lot, and it made me realize that I don’t know who I am without my friends. Jordan is the shy one in our group and crushing hard on Robbie’s sister, but besides the fact that he’s oblivious to the fact that she likes him back, he’s one of the most observant and smartest people I know. I’m pretty sure he was going to be a doctor if he didn’t have a career in hockey. Robbie is our leader and captain, and he loves us all unconditionally. Especially me, and especially when I don’t deserve it. Recently he’s been completely whipped by his girlfriend, but I honestly don’t even care. Olivia is awesome and she fits right in with our group.

As for Eli, he’s my fucking rock, but after he rejected me last month, I decided it was best to distance myself. It can’t possibly be healthy to hang out 24/7 with your best friend who is also your teammate and who youpossibly,maybe,definitelyhave feelings for.

Except I really hate this part—the one where I’ve been an ass to him all month, ignoring him, not coming over to watch movies or play video games with him.

I hate that he keeps reaching out a hand when all I want is to sink and drown. Why am I so self-destructive? I can’t even blame him for choosing to ignore me this time. I deserve it. I knew it was coming at some point. There’s only so much a nice guy like him can take, and IknewI was too much for him to handle.

I begrudgingly drag my eyes away from Eli’s gorgeous face, squeeze them shut, and try to get some sleep for the next few hours. I need my beauty rest, because California is going to suck major ass.

SEVEN

Seven Months Ago

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