Page 23 of Bar Down

“How about that hug?” he asks softly, his freckles standing out in the soft light of the morning.

I nod dumbly and Ash drops his hands from his chest. Quicker than I expected, he wraps me up in a tight hug. His arms go around my torso and clasp at my back. Ash presses his forehead to the side of my head and I can feel the relief in his shoulders. My arms go around his back and we just stand there in this beautiful embrace for longer than necessary, neither one of us saying anything.

I missed him so much.

Ash

Things are going betterthan expected, considering that Eli and I haven’t spoken in months. I really fucked up this summer and I honestly didn’t think he’d even give me the timeof day when we saw each other again. Yet here we are, tentative with our bantering but making light of what would otherwise be a really awkward situation.

I thought seeing each other naked this morning would have sent Eli running, yet he seemed oddly fine with it. What I would give to know what’s going on in his head right now.

“Ready to go?” I ask, grabbing my small backpack with a change of clothes. When I look back at Eli, I see him shuffling uncomfortably in my clothes that are definitely too tight on him.

I open the door, step aside and say, “After you.” Eli grumbles something but I don’t catch it because I’m too busy staring at his ass as he walks down the porch steps.

The car ride to the arena is quiet and some of the awkwardness I expected earlier does creep in. I want to start a conversation and ask him about his family back in Finland, or ask him about his flight. Anything. But every time I open my mouth, I don’t know what to say.

I want to apologize again, but I don’t want him to be angry at me. I want things to go back to normal, but I don’t know what normal is for us anymore.

So instead I drive, sneaking subtle glances at Eli and wondering how the hell I’m going to make it through this week.

The first dayof training camp is kind of like the first day of school. Most of it is spent catching up with friends and pretending to learn new things, all while avoiding the attention of the coaches. I don’t see much of Eli the rest of the day since everybody wants a piece of him.

He’s the best goalie we have at the AHL level and, clearly, it hasn’t gone unnoticed. While I’m more the popular kid in high school, Eli is the prince that wanted to experience a semester abroad and he happened to land in bumfuck nowhere, Michigan.

I catch glimpses of him hanging out with the other goalies in the gym, and it breaks my heart that he’s over there laughing and having a good time with others while I’m left pining after him. But I can’t blame him, our falling out was my fault after all. I could blame it on the alcohol, or my mental state at the time, but I don’t. If therapy has taught me anything, it’s that I need to own up to my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and move on.

The asking for forgiveness part is tougher than I expected, and I don’t know how to bring up the subject. Should I be blunt about it? Should I butter him up with food and conversation first?

“Hey man, are we going out for drinks after this?” Jackson, another forward on the Manticores, asks me, pulling me out of my headspace.

“I’ll come out, but I don’t drink anymore,” I say, putting on my gear and getting ready to hit the ice for some drills. With how many players there are between the ECHL, AHL, and NHL, we don’t all take the ice at the same time. We’ve got scheduled slots for when to train and which of the two rinks to be on.

I’m stuck in my head thinking about drills, so I don’t hear Jackson’s reply until he steps closer to me and repeats himself. “Since when don’t you drink? You’re like the designated party boy.”

“Well, tough shit, find someone else,” I say in a laugh, trying to hide my annoyance.

Jackson’s eyebrows shoot up. Guess he didn’t expect me to be anything but the comedic relief andparty boyof the team.

“Did you get a girlfriend or something? We can convince her you can come out with us. You seem like the type of guy to get pussy whipped.” Jackson laughs at his own stupidity and I’m immediately angry. First off, fuck him, going out and drinking is not what I do anymore, regardless of if I were in a relationship or not. I wish I could just snap at him and tell him to fuck off, butI’m trying to be a better person and not the hothead of the team. So I ignore him.

“What, cat got your tongue?” he taunts me, getting all in my personal space, and I want to punch his stupid face. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Eli entering the locker room, headed for his gear. I guess we have the same training shift.

I take a deep breath and face Jackson again, swiping my helmet off the bench in the process. “Look man, I’m just not interested in drinking anymore. Drop it.”

Jackson looks back at Eli, then at me with a sneer. “Found yourself a boyfriend, did you? Which one of you is thebitchin the relationship?” Before I realize what I’m doing, I drop the helmet and grip Jackson by his jersey, shoving him against the locker so hard it rattles.

The room comes to a complete silence and I need to be careful with what I say next, considering all eyes are on me. I bite down on what I really want to tell him and how much of abitchhe is. Instead, I lower my voice and say, “If youeversay something like that to me again, I will make sure your hockey career is over.” I get closer to his ear and make sure the next words are for him alone. “You know who my dad is, so you know I’m not fucking bluffing.”

I shove him once more for good measure, grab my helmet, and stalk out of the locker room without a second glance. I hate that I brought up my dad, and it’s not like he’d even do anything since we’re not on speaking terms, but I can’t have this asshole spreading rumors among the team. He can talk shit about me all he wants, but if he brings Eli into it again, we’re gonna have a problem.

ELEVEN

Five Months Ago

Ash

Eli was right.Hooking up, even if it was just once, helped a little. It centered me somehow and gave me a glimpse into what I could have one day. My attraction towards him didn’t go away though. I still want him, like all the fucking time, but at least I know now, without a doubt, that he’s meant to be in my life. Even if I’m destined to love him from a distance, I can’t imagine a world where he’s not in my life—a world where we’re not friends.

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