Page 32 of Bar Down

My smile slowly fades at the mention of this summer. I haven’t decided if I should go home for the offseason or stay in Grand Marquee. I really miss my family and want to spend some time with them, help with my brother’s training, but at the same time, I’m finally feeling like I can be myself here, with Ash. I know this is not a relationship, but whatever it is, it makes me happy, and kind of free. Even if we are stuck in our own little bubble, in either his apartment or mine, I’mhappy.I don’t know if I want to go back to Finland and feel like I need to hide who I am again.

“I’ll let you know soon,isi.”

He sighs, “Okay, we miss you, Eli.”

“I miss you all too,” I say, a knot forming in my throat.

As soon as the call ends, Ash pulls open the bedroom door. He’s wearing one of my T-shirts and his own sweatpants and he stomps over to the front door, phone and keys in hand.

“Everything okay?” I ask before he can reach the door. He doesn’t fully face me, but stops, jaw clenched, hands clenched into fists at his sides.

“Nothing to worry about, I just need to blow off some steam,” he huffs out.

“And you can’t do that here? Why are you leaving? Where are you going?” I ask, surprised that he’s all of a sudden taking off.

“None of your goddamn business, Eli,” he snaps before leaving the apartment, slamming the door behind him. I sit there, confused, and maybe a little hurt as well.

Here I was thinking this summer would be focused onus, spending time together, training together, but the truth is I don’t know what Ash’s plan is, if he even has one.

Maybe he feels trapped by this arrangement and needs to take back some control. Maybe he wants to go back to partying and hooking up with new people. I can’t blame him, he’s young and fun after all.

As I sit at the dining table, pondering everything, I think that maybe I need to think about myself more than I do of others. So I pull up flights to Finland and book myself a round-trip ticket for the summer.

FIFTEEN

Three Months Ago

Ash

My father’swords come back to me, again and again as I pour myself another glass of whiskey. It’s not even the afternoon, and I’m already trying to drink myself into oblivion.

What a disappointment.

You were sloppy and waited until the last second to score the winning goal.

If you were really serious about your career you’d be putting in more effort into your training.

The audacity of that asshole to call me the day after my championship and tell me how shitty of a player I am. How I could never live up to his legacy. Maybe if he pulled his head out of his ass for once, he’d realize I gave up on following in his footsteps when I got traded to Grand Marquee.

I haven’t been home or seen my family in two years since I moved here from Vermont and I don’t plan to see them anytime soon. I realized a long time ago that I could never measure up tomy dad. No matter how many awards or medals I got, he’d never be happy with my accomplishments. And my mom, well, she never took my side in anything. She’d try to make peace between us but eventually she’d get yelled at by my dad and then she’d drop it.

So I always found a way to piss him off, whether it was underage drinking, accepting a position on a team in Vermont instead of Massachusetts, or dating not just girls, but guys too. The truth is, my father would never approve of me, no matter what I did. And yet, I can’t shake off the feeling that I’m not good enough.

Nevergood enough.

Because if my own family doesn’t love me, then who ever will?

I down the rest of my whiskey, but before I can pour myself another, there’s a knock at my door. I close my eyes and silently beg them to go away.

They don’t. The knock comes again.

“Ash, can we talk?” Eli’s muffled voice comes through the door and I groan. No, actually, the last thing I want to do is talk. But I stand up and make my way to the door anyway, flipping the lock and opening it wide.

Eli takes one look at me and purses his pretty lips. “You’ve been drinking.”

I scoff, “And?”

He sighs but doesn’t say anything else. The hand that’s tucked in his front pocket comes out and holds something out to me, a key. I stare at it, confused. Is he giving me a key to his apartment? I didn’t think he’d want any kind of commitment between us.

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