Page 46 of Bar Down

Worst case scenario, they never speak to me again. Could I really handle that?

Then again, I guess it could be worse—they could become like Ash’s dad and take it upon themselves to constantly belittle me and tell me how wrong I am, how much disappointment I bring the family.

But I know them, they wouldn’t do that.Would they?

Maybe it’s time I told someone. If I’m closer with any of them, it’s probably my mom and she wouldn’t cut me out of her life.At least, I don’t think she would.

My spiraling train of thought gets interrupted when my brother walks into the room.

“Ed, what’s up my man?” Ash says, fist bumping my brother and performing a series of handshakes that are too complicated for me to even follow.

“Ash-man, we need to party again. That’s actually why I came in here, to tell you—there’s a party I know about, a friend of mine is hosting. And the best part, it’s on a sailboat,” my brother says, waving his hands around and fist pumping.

I pause halfway through folding a sweatshirt. I realize it’s the sweatshirt Ash has been wearing around when he gets cold and a smile tugs at my lips. I love peeling this off of him, and I love the ease with which we go about our days, the simple domesticity of it all.

But then what Edvin said clicks. “What do you mean partyagain?” I ask.

Edvin looks away quickly, embarrassed. Like he didn’t mean to say that around me.

They partied together?When? Where?We were together every time we went out.

“We went to a club a couple weeks ago. You don’t have to worry,” my sweet little brother says, not knowing how much I do worry. For both of them.

“When exactly?”

“The night of your birthday?” Ed says, biting his lip in a grimace.

My anger flares, because what the fuck? They didn’t think to tell me? Or invite me? I turn on Ash and my voice comes out clipped when I say, “You took my little brother to a club?”

Ash frowns at me, holding eye contact, but doesn’t say anything.

“Oh, now you have nothing to say?” I know this is probably going to end in a fight, but I can’t believe he’d do something like this behind my back.

“Eli, chill, I was—” Edvin starts to say, but Ash stops him.

“Ed, don’t.” A muscle in Ash’s jaw twitches but he doesn’t look away from me. “Finish that thought. What’s wrong with us going to a club together? I didn’t realize I was confined to your house and the ice rink while I’m here.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it, and you can do whatever the hell you want, but don’t drag my little brother into it. He’s too young for that kind of stuff.”

“I’m eighteen—” Edvin starts to say, but we both give him a look telling him to stay out of the conversation. “Maybe I’ll just go,” he says, backing out of the room and closing the door.

Ash rounds back on me, face twisted in anger. “What kind of stuff? What do you think happened at the club, Eli? What do you think I did,debauchedhim?”

I sigh in frustration and look around the room. “This is so typical of you. Maybe I don’t want my brother around alcohol and drugs, and god knows what else. You shouldn’t have taken him there. Especially not behind my back. Or on my fucking birthday,” I yell, throwing my arms out to the side, still holding the damn sweatshirt.

“There it is!Youdon’t want him to have any fun,” he says, pointing a finger at my chest. “Just because going to a club, having a couple drinks, and dancing doesn’t sound like your kind of fun, it doesn’t make itwrong,Eli!” Ash yells.

“Edvin isn’t stupid and he’s not a baby. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt.” His face is red and angry, and I kind of get the feeling we’re not actually talking about Edvin in this situation.

“If it’s not wrong, why did you hide it from me?”

“Are you that fucking oblivious? When we spent the night in the city and went to dinner he kept asking us to go out with him. And what did you do? You ignored him, kept steering the conversation back to hockey, and school, and his career. The kid just wanted to have some fun and let loose with us and—god, Eli—you sounded just like my dad.”

I’m about to fight back, but Ash’s comment hits me like a punch to the stomach. All the air goes out of me at once and it’s hard to catch my breath. I just stare at him, shocked that he’d compare me to his awful dad. He’s shocked too, like he can’t believe he said that, but he recovers quicker than me. “Shit, I didn’t mean—I’m sorry?—”

“It’s fine,” I say numbly. I drop the sweatshirt I’m still holding and walk out of the bedroom.

Edvin is waiting in the hallway when I walk out. “Eli, don’t be mad at him, this is all my fault—” he tries to say, but I walk around him to the stairs. I take them two at a time, put on my running shoes, and head out the back door to the trail. Dusk is fast approaching, but I don’t care.

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