Page 48 of Bar Down

First, I need to apologize to Ash.

Ash

I’m partyingon a fucking sailboat and I can’t even enjoy it. I’m lost in a sea of strangers and I want nothing else than to be here with Eli. But he’s made it very clear how he feels about me and my partying.

Fuck, I knew not telling him was a bad call, but it’s not like I corrupted his brother and got wasted on a Thursday night in an unknown city.

I’m sure he thinks the worst of me, because why wouldn’t he? I have a history with substance abuse and a tendency to fall off the wagon.

Always adisappointment.

But that night didn’t go as Eli envisions it. Ed and I went out, met with his friend, had two drinks each at most, then they danced around with a couple girls while I watched dutifully from the sidelines. If anything, I was a glorified chaperone. I didn’t even dance, for fuck’s sake. Around 3 a.m., I walked them back to his friend’s place, making sure they were safe, then I ordered myself a ride back to the hotel.

Edvin offered to hang out with me tonight once we got to the party, but I told him to go be with his friends instead. He doesn’t need to see me at my worst too.

I keep drinking, but I’m in no mood to dance, or talk, or laugh. So I walk around, admiring the sailboat, sipping on my drink.

When a pretty blond comes up to chat with me, I politely turn her down, telling her I’m seeing someone.

Is that what I am doing?SeeingEli?

Is he even going to put up with me much longer, or will he realize he can find someone better?Someone who won’t fuck up all the time.

I lose count of how many drinks I’ve had and I’m lost in thought, looking at the harbor when someone taps me on my shoulder. I spin around and I’m met with pale blue eyes and light blond hair and I smile. He smiles back but it’s different. One of his canines is a little crooked and there’s no dimple popping.

Edvin keeps smiling at me as he says, “Having a good time, Ash-man?”

I nod, my smile dropping a bit once I realize I’m face to face with the wrong Kalias. “Yeah, doing great.”

“That girl keeps looking over at you,” he says, nodding towards the long-legged blond that was flirting with me earlier. “Are you gonna make a move?”

I laugh, but it comes out hollow and I take another sip of my drink. “Not really my type at the moment.”

His eyebrows raise and he looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. “As in you’re not into blonds, or not into girls?”

I look at him and decide to test the waters. Eli doesn’t want his family to know that he’s gay, that’s fine, but maybe I can see how they react when I tell them I’m bi.

“I’ve hooked up with women, and men. And I’mdefinitelyinto blonds,” I say with a wink and his face immediately goes pink, his eyes wide. Shit, I didn’t mean for that to be flirty. I straighten up and quickly say, “I definitely didn’t mean you, please don’t think I’m coming on to you.”

“Yeah—no—of course not,” he says, flustered, waving me off. After a moment of silence, he says, “But—did you mean Eli?”

I can’t bring myself to look him in the face or respond, becauseshit, shit, shit, how did this backfire so badly? Me and my stupid mouth. Why can’t I ever shut the hell up?

“Can we maybe have this conversation when I’m sober?” I laugh and pray to whatever god is out there that he drops it and doesn’t tell Eli.

“Sure, but, does Eli know?”

“Know what?”

“That you’re in love with him?”

The way he says it so casually startles me and I drop my drink, the glass breaking on the floor of the sailboat. There’s no judgment on his face as he places a hand on my shoulder and gives me a nod and a small smile. “Maybe I should ask my brother directly, but something tells me he’ll try and avoid that conversation. For what it’s worth, I think you two are really great together. You make a good team, in and out of hockey.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly, and crouch down to pick up the broken glass.

“I’ll go find a broom,” Ed says and walks away.

I’m struggling to find the last piece in this dark part of the deck when a voice startles me over the music. My hand slides across the floor and my body involuntarily jerks. As I go down on one knee, my hand slams down to catch myself, and what do you know? I find the last piece of glass, embedded right in my palm.

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