Page 49 of Bar Down

I hiss out at the sharp sting but before I can stand up and take a better look at it, I feel two strong hands on me, one gripping my wrist and the other gently prying my fingers open to look at the damage.

Eli winces as he looks at my palm, his long fingers inspecting. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,rakas.”

Surprise must be written all over my face as I simply stare at his pretty face, which looks a little puffy, like maybe he’s been crying. When our eyes meet, his pale blue ones are bloodshot and tired.

“What does that word mean?” I whisper.

Eli purses his lips and I know he won’t tell me, so I try to pull my hand away but he’s holding fast. “It meansdear, ordarling, I suppose.”

My smile is quick to show and I mumble, “Cute.”

“Come on, let’s go find a first-aid kit below deck.”

“We’re not allowed to go below deck,” I shake my head, getting a little dizzy just looking at the blood. The glass is not deep, but it sure is bleeding a lot.

“Mikko won’t mind. I know him, we grew up together.” Eli guides me to the opposite end of the boat and down the tiny staircase below deck. The underside is narrow, but long. There’s a small bathroom and kitchenette at one end, a corridor with a couch, a TV, and mini fridge, and a double bed in the room at the other end.

Eli guides me to sit on the couch as he looks around the cabinets under the kitchenette and the bathroom sink. He finds a first-aid kit and makes his way over to me, focusing on the task at hand. He’s quiet and methodical, pulling the glass out, wiping the cut down with alcohol, whispering apologies when I hiss out in pain again. He applies some kind of ointment to the cut before bandaging it, and when he’s done, he gently holds my hand in his lap.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I definitely shouldn’t have assumed the things I did.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the club,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead with my free hand. “I wasn’t trying to deceive you, I was just trying to appease Ed and maybe blow off some steam myself.”

“I know. It wasn’t my place to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I hope you can forgive me. I’ve just been mad at myself for missing so much of my brother’s life, his formative years, really. And I’ve been trying to compensate in all the wrong ways.”

“Ed looks up to you and loves you, Eli. He just wants to spend time together and wants you to show an interest in his life, not just hockey.”

“I know, I’ll do better. But I need to do better by you too,” he says, squeezing my wrist and caressing it with his thumb.

“There’s nothing to forgive. If anything, you should be mad at me for leaving you on your birthday and comparing you to my dad. That was shitty, and I didn’t mean it,” I say, willing him to believe me.

“It’s okay. It hurt in the moment, but you weren’t exactly wrong.”

“Of course I was wrong. You’renothinglike him. You’re the kindest, most selfless person that I’ve ever met.” My eyes roamall over his face and he has the most beautiful smile on his face, the soft one reserved just for me.

“Eli—” I say, but stop. I’ve wanted to tell him since the first night we got to Finland, but he wasn’t ready to hear me then. I make sure to look at him, really look at him and when he doesn’t stop me, I continue, “Mina rakastan sinua.”

I love you.

I’ve learned the words from the Kalias family. From Eli’s dad when he whispers them to his wife as they lay together on the couch. From Eli’s mom as she kisses Ed on the cheek and hugs him every morning. But mostly I’ve felt the words just by being surrounded by this loving family.

Eli’s eyes shine but he doesn’t say anything. I feel like someone just reached inside my chest and squeezed my heart tight enough to leave me bruised. I give him a wobbly smile anyway, biting back my tears.

He might be ready to hear it, but he’s not ready to say it back. While I feel like my heart is shattering into a million little pieces, I can’t say I blame him.

“Let’s go get a drink. Together,” I say, pulling my hand back.

TWENTY-TWO

Two Months Ago

Eli

I don’t knowhow to deal with Ash telling me he loves me. I don’t know how to say it back yet. It’s not that I don’t feel it, because I do. The problem is that I feel too much and I don’t know what to do about it all.

So when he pulls his hand back and says we should get a drink, I blindly follow.

As Ash is grabbing us both drinks, I find Edvin in the crowd of people, throwing the broken glass into the trash can after sweeping it up.

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