Page 52 of Bar Down

I keep my mouth shut and let him yell at me, anything to make him feel better.

“You completely outed me in front of my family, when I told you I wanted to do it on my own terms. When I was ready.” He rubs his hands down his face and through his hair, frustrated and angry.

“I really am sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose.”

He scoffs. “Of course not. You just never think before you do anything.”

I look away before he can see the tears in my eyes, because—fuck—Eli being disappointed in me hurts worse than anything else. He’s not wrong.

“I just need some space. Maybe you can stay on Mikko’s boat for a while. I don’t know. I just can’t deal with this right now.”

I understand the underlying message: I just can’t deal withyouright now.

What a waste of space.

I step away from him. “Okay,” I manage to say in a voice that sounds nothing like my own. Eli takes out his phone and steps out to call someone, Mikko probably.

It’s like I’m seeing and hearing myself from outside my own body, I’m just moving on autopilot. I grab my suitcase and pack my clothes, most of which are folded at the foot of the bed. Next is my backpack that already has my laptop and chargers in it. I think about grabbing the toiletries but decide I don’t need them.

Because I’m not going to stay on a boat when the love of my life is only miles away, wanting nothing to do with me.

I’m not going to show up to practice only to have him ignore me.

I’m not going to stay when I’m clearly not wanted anymore.

Maybe that’s the coward way out, but maybe my father was right afterall. I’m just a disappointment, a let down, a fucking idiot. So I’m going home.

TWENTY-THREE

Present Day

Eli

The bookI got at the store is good, but I get way too distracted by Ash’s movements outside. Not even the story about a tennis player past her prime looking for glory can take me away from my reality.

I try to keep the memories of this summer at bay, but they rush back to the surface. I can feel them slipping through my carefully built facade. Stolen kisses and illicit touches come to mind when I think back on it. We were spending every waking moment together—being happy. Things were so great until they weren’t.

He left.Without a goodbye or explanation, he just left. I drove down to get a hold of Mikko about borrowing the boat for a few nights and when I got back—he was gone.

Ash said goodbye to my family but not tome, and that probably hurt the most. He’s not to blame for everything though, I meant what I told him earlier. I let him down too, when heneeded me most. He was clearly going through a lot with his dad and it was messing not only with his head, but with his game too.

I should have seen that sooner. I was supposed to be his person, his rock, and yet I didn’t see him struggling when he was right in front of me.

I should have tried harder. Ash means so much to me and for the longest time I didn’t know how to put into words the feelings I had for him.

I shouldn’t have reacted like I did.He was drunk and tired and he messed up, but he deserved more from me.

I take a few deep breaths, coming up with the courage to face him. I’m thinking that it’s time to stop running from this conversation. Placing the book on my nightstand, I take a few steps to the door, take another deep breath and open it, only to be met by Ash. His fist is raised, ready to knock, but he slowly lets his hand drop.

We take a second to just look at each other. He looks really good and I’m happy that he’s in therapy. That’s something I should consider too once the season starts.

“Dinner’s ready if you’re hungry,” Ash says quietly.

“Yeah, I could eat.”

He nods and turns around, leading the way back outside. My eyes stray back to his calf and the sailboat tattoo there. I want to ask about it but don’t know how.

When did he get it? Was it right when he arrived back home? Or was it more recently?

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