Page 53 of Bar Down

Does he still love me?

Why is talking about your feelings so damn hard? I look up at the clear sky and try to quiet my wandering thoughts.

We both take a seat at the patio table and reach for the tongs at the same time. Our hands brush and I let him take them. Ash clears his throat and says, “I can make you a plate, is there anything you don’t want?”

Blinking up at him I shake my head. “Everything looks delicious. Thanks.”

He nods and loads up both our plates with chicken and veggies. Then, he adds a scoop of strawberry pecan salad on the side. We eat in silence and look out at the lake through the small opening of trees.

This place is beautiful no matter the season. My eyes wander to the fire pit and I smile, thinking about last year and how the four of us were so excited for the new season.

Ash catches my stare and gives me an understanding smile, sad and bittersweet. “I miss them.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, taking a big swig of water.

“Robbie says hi.”

I pause, fork halfway to my mouth. I need to talk to Robbie, apologize to him for shutting him out, for pushing him away. Realizing I’ve been a shitty friend, I sigh and finish my bite of chicken.

“I’ve been avoiding him lately.”

“Why?” Ash asks with a mixture of curiousness and weariness.

Well, here it goes, better to get this conversation out of the way before it’s too late. “The night you left, I called Robbie. He didn’t answer but I left him a voicemail.”

Ash straightens up in his chair, lips tight like he wants to ask more, but he holds himself back. I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d ask me anything that’s on his mind.

Does he wonder why I never called him? I picked up my phone so many times, but the thought of him thousands of miles away, angry and hurt because of me made me sick to my stomach.

Does he think that was easy for me? I was a mess after he left, barely even got out of bed most days, except to practice. Keeping my distance was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

“I told him everything,” I say. “That we were together but that I was mad and hurt by what you did. You not only outed me to my whole family, but you alsoleft me. I know it was wrong of me, but I lashed out at Robbie too. I told him he was spending too much time with the non-profit, that he wasn’t being a good friend to you, to us.”

Ash’s face crumples and I want to reach out to him but I need to keep going. “A week later, Robbie called me and yelled at me for my behavior and how I treated you, making you leave. I knew he was right but I wasn’t ready to admit it yet, so I shut him out.” I take a second to swallow and calm my racing heart.

Ash takes the moment to say, “I didn’t leaveyou, Eli. I just left.”

“Why?” I ask, voice almost wavering.

He shakes his head and runs a hand over his short beard, scratching at it. “Because I was just a burden to you, and you didn’t want me there,” he says, sounding exhausted, like this conversation is taking more out of him than he can give.

“That’s not true,” I frown.

“It is!” he shouts, standing up quickly. “God Eli, you told me you couldn’t deal with me anymore and that you wanted me to stay somewhere else for a while.” Ash is pacing around, finally placing his hands on the back on the chair, knuckles white. “I had already fucked up enough, I needed to get some help.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, standing up and crossing over to his side of the table. My fingers itch to reach out and cup his face, pull him to me, hold him. But I don’t. That’s not what we are anymore.

“I didn’t mean it. I was just taking out my anger on you because I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings. I never intended for you to leave for good. Maybe if I had handled things differently we wouldn’t have had to go this long without clearing the air.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, taking a step back. “You needed to talk to your family and deal with your own stuff, on your own terms, and I needed to figure out my own shit.”

“I still regret it. I’m still sorry.I still miss you,” I say, voice catching on that last part.

“I regret it too, what I did. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. And I miss youevery damn day.” There’s so much earnestness and sorrow in his eyes and I need to fix this thing between us, because I don’t know how to be in the same orbit as him but not have him in my life.

“Can we start over? I want my best friend back,” I whisper, reaching out a hand.

Ash’s fingers are warm when they wrap around mine and I run my finger over the soft flesh between his thumb and pointer finger.

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