Page 54 of Bar Down

“I’d like that very much,” he says and steps closer. I let his hand go and open up my arms. When he falls into my embrace, my only thought is—I’m finally home.

Ash

I feellike a giant boulder has been lifted off my shoulders, and I guess Robbie was right—I really did just need to talk and be honest with Eli about what happened. I still hate myself for how I behaved, but I plan on making it up to him, especially now that we’re getting a fresh start.

Eli helps me wash and put away dishes, and we fall back into this easy routine that we had before. We’re both on the cusp of asking for more, figuring out what this new start really means. Are we back to just being friends? Are we going to be more? Is he ready for that?

“Can I ask you something personal?” I say, wiping the butcher block kitchen island with a towel and tossing it in the basket by the laundry door.

Eli looks taken aback by my question. I guess I’ve always barrelled into his life and taken him by surprise. Almost like goingbar down. “Sure,” he says.

“What happened with your family after I left?” His reaction is immediate and his hunched shoulders relax. What did he think I was going to ask?

Eli moves a couple feet over to one of the couches in the small living area and drops down on it. I follow and take a seat on the opposite side, leaving some space between us.

He clasps his hands together and lets them dangle between his legs as his forearms rest on his knees. “When I came back, my mom asked why I sent you away,” he says, frowning. “Honestly, they were all pretty mad at me for doing that. They really like you, Ash.”

Eli gives me a small smile over his shoulder but looks away as he continues, “I tried to explain that I didn’t mean to, that I just needed some space, but they kept pushing. So I decided to rip off the Band-Aid. My dad was probably the most shocked, Ed seemed unsurprised, and my mom just looked—happy for me.”

I nod along even though he’s not looking at me. “Has your relationship with them changed at all?” I tentatively ask, my hands itching to touch him at this moment.

“Not really,” he says, running his hands up and down his thighs anxiously. “I think they were more hurt that I kept it from them for so long. They’re really supportive, even my dad, who is definitely the more conservative one of the bunch.”

“I’m happy for you, Eli,” I say, meaning it, even though he didn’t give me a chance to be there and share that moment with him. But it wasn’t about me, and I finally get that now.

My hand reaches out tentatively and I squeeze his shoulder affectionately. Eli grabs my hand with his and rests his cheek on it, looking back at me with misty pale blue eyes.

“Can I give you a hug?” I ask and he nods, letting go of my hand. I slowly trace my fingers from his shoulder to the back of his neck, cupping it gently, then I lean in close. His head falls to the crook of my neck and I bring my other arm around his back, rubbing small circles on his shoulder blades. His hands fist the shirt at the small of my back and I think I might want to stay here, in this cabin, in this moment, forever.

When Eli pulls away, he doesn’t go far, just a few inches to look at me. My fingers curl in his hair and I can feel the buzzing tension between us. His eyes linger on my mouth before he leans in and presses his mouth to mine.

He’s sweet, and I immediately melt into him, my mouth opening. I let his tongue dance with mine again, and everything is just like it used to be. Me and him, moving round and round in this game of seduction. Our bodies remember each other too well, this invisible force pulling us together again. But for once, I’m selfish. I need more than just his body.

So I pull back gently and say, “Wait…”

PART 2

TWENTY-FOUR

September

Ash

“Wait, Eli,”I say, trying hard not to give in to the taste of him, “we should talk first.”

Eli’s confused face pulls back. “Haven’t we done enough of that already?”

When he starts chasing my lips again, I back away slowly, feeling high on his scent, citrusy with a hint of eucalyptus.Fuck, I want him so bad, but I harden my resolve. “I need to tell you something.” Eli eyes me warily, his expression filled with concern.

I swallow hard and look down at my lap as I say, “I’m in a really good place right now. Physically, mentally, and”—I glance up, clasping my fingers tightly—“and emotionally. I don’t want to jeopardize that.”

“Ash, that’s amazing. You’ve come so far and I don’t want you to jeopardize it either,” Eli says.

I take a deep breath and continue, “The thing is, I don’t know if I should be taking this kind of risk right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you’re not worth it, Eli, because you are.” My eyes connect with his and hold in place. “I’d give in to every single temptation if it meant I got to have you. But—the past couple of years, I’ve fallen in and out of love with you more times than I can count.”

“Hani,I—” he starts, but I shake my head and barrel ahead.

I’m afraid if I don’t say this now, I never will. “Every time you pull me in, I’m ecstatic. I feel like I can do anything because I have you by my side. But every time you push me away, you break my heart all over again. Because I could never be enough for you.”

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