Page 58 of Bar Down

“Tell me,” he says, with an easy smile. I notice he likes to hold eye contact when he talks, so I do my best to do the same. His eyes are a mossy green color and his short hair is blond. It’s a darker color than mine but not as dark blond as Robbie’s. He’s freshly shaved and his smile is blinding. Does he always show all his teeth when he smiles?

And why the hell am I paying this close attention?

Damn Ash, getting into my head and making me question things. Is Juuse into me?

“Well, as you know I’ve been the primary goalie for the Manticores. Things are going well, I was really happy with my performance in the Calder Cup, even though there’s room for improvement.”

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up, you did an amazing job. Especially that save in the third period and your assist in the final goal.”

“You watched that?” I ask, surprised that someone of his caliber would pay attention to the AHL games.

His nose scrunches as he replies, “Well, I watched the highlights. I was back in Finland for the offseason.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you went back too. I left after the Calder Cup and spent a few months with my family.”

“Right on. Helsinki?”

“Yeah. You too?”

“No, I was in Turku. What else have you been doing?”

“Um, mostly hockey. I usually hang out with my group of friends back in Grand Marquee as well. Not much time for other hobbies during the season, as you know.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” His question makes me freeze. Is he asking just because he’s curious? Or is he trying to ask me out?

The barista brings over our drinks and sandwiches and I immediately take a big bite just to keep me from answering. Juuse gives me a lopsided smirk and I quickly look away while I chew.

“This sandwich is really good. Thanks, again.”

“My pleasure,” he says, eyes darting to the corner of my mouth when I lick some cream cheese off. Okay, maybe heisinto me. Or maybe he’s just really observant.

“So, what about you? What have you been up to?”

He takes a bite before telling me more about his trip back home and how he also spent a few weeks in Ibiza with some friends, partying on some boats.

“Sounds like fun,” I say, thinking that the only boat I partied on this summer was a sailboat. Bittersweet memories resurface and I think about how Ash told me he loved me that night. Does he still feel as strongly now about me as he did back then?

I must be showing a smile because Juuse smiles back at me and reaches out to grab my hand when I place my chai down. I stare at it, frozen in place. What is happening right now?

“You didn’t answer my question earlier,” he says, smile still in place. He’s so confident and unbothered by the fact that we’re in public and he’s just casually holding my hand.

“Didn’t I?” I think my brain is short circuiting because I don’t know how to react right now. I want to pull my hand away but I don’t want to be rude.

“Okay, let me ask you another question. If I asked you to come back to my place tonight, would you say yes?”

My whole body flushes at the question and I swallow a few times before gathering my wits off the floor. I gently pull my hand away, glancing at his face. He doesn’t look hurt, but he does look curious, one blond eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer. “Probably not,” I say softly, carefully.

Juuse nods and his eyes narrow on me. “Is it because you’re not into guys? Or…”

“I’m not,” I say quickly and the lie tastes bitter on my tongue. I groan and close my eyes, running a hand over my face. “I am, I don’t know why I lied.”

“You’re not out yet,” he guesses and I nod.

“I’m flattered,” I say, making sure to maintain eye contact, “but the reason I won’t come back to your place is more complicated than just that. I have?—”

I pause, thinking of Ash this morning and how jealous he was. I guess he was right about Juuse. “I have feelings for someone else.”

Admitting it to someone other than myself feels good. When I had this conversation with my parents, I strictly avoided talking about Ash, because I didn’t want them to know the full extent of what he meant to me and how we broke each other’s hearts. Normally I would lean on Robbie for this kind of heart to heart, but our relationship is currently strained.

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