Page 6 of Bar Down

I toss and turn more than usual and my brain keeps coming up with scenarios of what my reunion with Eli will be like.

Will he talk to me?

Will he even look at me?

Will he forgive me?

Eli

After a seriesof delayed flights and lost luggage, I finally landed back on familiar ground. Training camp starts tomorrow and my plan was to get to Traverse City early and get some rest, but the universe must be against me because my trip back to the States was a mess.

I spent the last couple months back home in Finland, training and clearing my head. My parents and little brother, Edvin, were ecstatic to have me home, if only for a short amountof time. I feel bad that I picked a career that’s so far away from them, but at the same time, I need to chase my dream.

My trip home also gave me the space and clarity I needed after a wild season in Grand Marquee to figure out what I want for myself going forward. I feel like I am more confident in my goaltending capabilities now after training all summer with my father, the person I trust most when it comes to my career. But I also feel more confident in who I am as an individual and I’m ready to take more chances this year. While it was nice to see my family, I am definitely excited for a new season, even if it will be a weird one.

I don’t make friends easily, and two of my closest ones are gone—Jordan is starting his first season in Texas and hasn’t been answering my calls and texts recently, and Robbie is focusing all his time on the non-profit. And after everything that went down between me and Ash, things kind of soured between me and Robbie as well. As the protector of the friend group, let’s just say he wasn’t happy when he found out about our falling out.

I get out of the taxi and grab my small backpack, disappointed that I decided to travel light this time. I only brought my laptop and a book and I don’t even have a change of underwear, let alone clothes, which means I will need to go shopping early in the morning.

I glance at my watch and notice it’s past two in the morning. I have to be up at 6 a.m. if I want to shop and make it to training camp on time. I sigh and scrub my hand over my face, feeling more scruff than usual.

Damn it, I don’t even have a razor.

My phone battery is at 10% and I wearily turn on the flashlight to look for the key to the front door. It’s exactly where Alice said it would be, under the potted fern on the porch. Robbie’s little sister has been more of a friend to me recently than Robbie himself has. She and I have been texting over thesummer a lot more, and she’s been helping me navigate some of my anxiety and feelings. It helps that she’s a good listener and always gives me great book recommendations too.

Fumbling with the keys, I almost drop my phone, but catch it at the last second. The door finally opens and I rush inside, locking it behind me. I head straight for one of the bedrooms down the hall, hoping my phone won’t die overnight. Just in case it does, I set an alarm on my watch. I don’t even have time to overthink what tomorrow will bring, and what I’ll say to Ash when I see him again, because sleep pulls me under instantly.

TWO

Eight Months Ago

Ash

I’ve lostcount of the drinks I’ve had throughout the night, but I’m not passed out yet, which means I haven’t had enough. I brood miserably at the table and recount everything that happened yesterday.

After my conversation with Olivia and Robbie, I went back to my apartment and freaked out twenty different ways about how I should ask Eli to be my date to the party.

I was distracted during the game too, and I kept to myself, even when Eli tried to make conversation in the locker room. I faked a smile and pretended like nothing was up, like my feelings weren’t all over the place. Because what the fuck?

I thought about the day I met Eli at training camp two years ago. He was quiet and brooding and barely said a word to me when I introduced myself. That attitude seemed to be his default mode for the first few months, and at first we thought he was just really anti-social. Looking back on it, I know he was just nervousto make new friends, especially as he had just moved here from Finland and experienced quite the Midwest culture shock. But slowly, he started opening up to Robbie, and indirectly to me, because I was trailing them around all over the place.

During the past two years, Eli and I went from teammates, to friends, to—well,more. We spend basically every single moment together, whether it’s at practice, in the locker room, at the gym, at his apartment across the hall, on road trips, and even on our days off. Is it really that crazy to wrap my head around the fact that I started havingfeelingsfor him?

But here’s the thing. I don’t dofeelings. I never have. I hookup, I have friends with benefits, but I don’t dothis. I don’t become this mess of a person who doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants.

Lately it’s been really hard to be around him and pretend like I don’t want him. I catch myself watching him more. The way his muscles shift when he’s getting undressed in the locker room, the way his pale blue eyes sparkle when he makes a joke, the way his ass looks when he does squats at the gym.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Eli was quiet during our drive to our apartment building last night, so I didn’t bring up the party. He said goodnight and headed to his apartment and I went to mine. After having a few drinks for liquid courage, I went across the hall to his apartment, but the door was locked. It was only a quarter past eleven and Eli should have been up. Normally I would bring over a few beers and we’d sit together on the couch and chat.

I knocked hard a couple of times, but after not getting a reply, I headed back to my own apartment. After pacing around what felt like an eternity, I decided to text him.Worst decision ever.

I stare at my phone again and notice the messages haven’t even been seen.Gee, thanks. After waiting around for hours last night in my drunken state and realizing I wasn’t getting a reply,I went to sleep. All throughout today I’ve checked my messages, hoping he at least read them, but there’s nothing.

I feel like a fool.

What was I thinking?

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