Page 70 of Bar Down

The place is small, just like I thought, but thankfully it’s furnished. There’s a queen sized bed near the large window that overlooks the city, a small desk with a chair, and a TV mounted on the wall above it. There’s a small kitchenette with no more than two counter cabinets, a fridge, stove and dishwasher, and a closet the size of the bathroom—which is again, small.

“No washer and dryer?” Ash asks and I deflate, dropping my backpack and sitting down at the edge of the bed, hands gripping my hair.

“Hey, no, I didn’t mean that as a critique,” Ash says, voice sounding concerned. I feel the mattress dip next to me and right as I let my arms drop between my knees, Ash’s hands come around my shoulder, giving me a hug.

“I know, I just feel off about all of this. I didn’t expect it and I don’t know what to think about it.”

“Are you talking about the apartment or the job?” he asks, rubbing circles on my back while his chin rests on my shoulder.

“Both.”

“Well, the apartment is temporary.”

“So is the job,” I say quietly.

“Maybe.” I look up and Ash straightens up, one hand holding my shoulder firmly. “Maybe not. You are really good, Eli. And Nadison is fine, but he’s also old, in hockey terms at least—he’s thirty-five and he just sustained a pretty major injury. Chances are that even if he does come back this season, he might not be around for much longer anyway. So you need to accept that this is happening. You are the future of this team. And when Juuse inevitably retires, you’re gonna be the primary.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. He’s right, of course he is. But how can I do this on my own? I know I’ll have a team, but I don’t know any of these guys like I know Ash and the rest of the AHL players. Like I used to know Jordan and Robbie, how they played and how great we all were as a team. But he’s right, I need to accept this.

“I don’t want things to change between us,” I say. “I—”I love you,I want to say. Why does my throat always close up when I want to say it? I’ve never said it before, not to anyone that wasn’t family, and the thought of being so vulnerable when I know he has such a strong hold over my heart is terrifying. Tears well up in my eyes and I blink them away, but a traitorous one escapes anyway.

Ash catches it with his thumb and brings his forehead to mine. “I know, sunshine.I know. Nothing will change, I promise.”

I look into his deep blue eyes and this time, I believe him.

THIRTY-ONE

November

Ash

Practice startsin full swing after I help Eli move to Detroit. He’s secondary for a few of the pre-season games and ends up playing a whole game against Boston. I meet up with Robbie and Olivia at their house to watch it, but my excitement sours as soon as I see my father on the TV. Even when I cut out all contact with him and block his number, his disapproving face is still around to haunt me.

A few days later, I get called up to play a game, but Eli is not the secondary, so I don’t even get to see him. I’m sure he’s in the arena somewhere and I think that maybe I can take him out to dinner afterwards, but we have morning skate the day after and our bus to Grand Marquee leaves promptly after the game.

We get two months of this song and dance. Two months of missed texts, phone calls, and short video chats at the end of a long day are weighing hard on our relationship. I keep thinking that if I work harder and prove myself, then maybe, just maybe,I’ll get called up as well. Maybe one day, I’ll be good enough not just for the team, but for him as well. He doesn’t need me holding him back.

Selfishly, I am rooting for Nadison’s return to the NHL, since that means I get Eli back, but even thinking that makes my stomach turn. He deserves this chance and I would be a shit friend and an even shittier boyfriend if I didn’t put his happiness first.

My father’s voice comes back stronger than ever, telling me I’m worthless, that I won’t amount to anything. Not like Eli will.

I talk this through with my therapist and she tells me it’s normal to feel this doubt, especially with the season gearing up, but that I need to think about all the progress that I’ve made since this summer. It’s hard to do that when it feels like all my hard work is not even paying off.

Nadison comes backthe day before Thanksgiving and plays a conditioning game at the AHL, but halfway through the third period, as one of the Finchton Foxes gets a breakaway, Nadison goes down at an awkward angle and hurts his groin all over again. He needs to be helped off the ice and I am fucking furious. At him, at myself, at the world.

Why is this my shit luck? Ifinallyget Eli and we’re happy together, but the universe just wants to pull us apart. I’m at a point in my life where I genuinely feel good about myself—I go to therapy, I don’t drink anymore, I’m in love. So why is this happening?

My anger is not rational, it’s something that’s been brewing under the surface for a few months now, maybe years. Instead of suppressing it with drinking or hooking up, I let it out on the ice. I’ve been careful all season, avoiding the penalty box, being the poster child of our team. No one was more surprised thanmy teammates, and some of them even commented on how tame my game has been. I was just playing it safe, wanting to prove myself, but no one gives a shit anyway. So why hold back?

I play as aggressively as I can for the rest of the game and it pays off. One of the Foxes’ players trips me to retaliate for checking him into the boards and that gives us the exact advantage we need to take the lead. As soon as he comes out of the box, he heads straight for me, throwing down his gloves and ripping my helmet off. I should have seen it coming, but the first punch to my face takes me by surprise.

My gloves hit the ice as well and we brawl in the center face off while the crowd is cheering me on. I get a few punches in as well before taking him down on the ice. The linesmen are there to break us up and they have to pull me off of him and keep me away.

Olivia skates up to me, grabbing hold of my jersey and leading me to the tunnel. We’re both being thrown out of the game since there are only two minutes left on the clock.

At first, she doesn’t say anything, but I know I’m about to get a lecture, if not from her, from Robbie as soon as he finds out. There’s nothing worse than having both of them be disappointed in me.

“Ash, what the hell was that all about?”

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