Page 72 of Bar Down

Eli

Our team lost5-3 tonight and I can’t help but feel responsible for those last two goals. I should have seen them coming, but I didn’t. I was being screened too hard for the first one, and the second came out of nowhere on the face-off. It was so quick, I barely had a chance to react.

After the game ended, we got the news that Nadison got injured in his first game back and I was told not to pack up myapartment, since I won’t be going back to the AHL for another two months at least. My first reaction was to be excited since I’ve loved playing in the NHL. I learn every day from both Juuse and the goalie coach and I’ve improved my game a lot in just a short amount of time. In the last couple of weeks, the starting position between myself and Juuse has been half and half, rather than him starting most of the games like it was intended.

My excitement turned into disappointment pretty quickly as I realized that being in the NHL longer just keeps me further away from Ash.

It feels like he’s been avoiding me recently and we haven’t had a proper conversation in a while. It’s all short texts and rushed phone calls as we move through our hectic days. I miss being in the same room together, I miss holding him, I miss his sense of humor, and his body, and his lips on mine.

Robbie told me about Ash’s fight tonight and I tried getting a hold of him, but I know what he’s like. Right now, he’s probably feeling like the whole world is on his shoulders and he’s miserable about Nadison, and he’s doing what he does best: pushing me and everyone else away.

If he’d answered any of my calls and texts this week, he would know I’m renting a car and driving down to Grand Marquee in the morning to spend Thanksgiving with him and the Elliots, like we do every year.

I miss Ash more than I imagined I would. It’s like there’s this hole in my life the exact shape and size of him and I can’t fill it no matter what I do. No one compares to him.

His text comes through right as I’m about to go to bed, but I decide not to answer. My backpack is light as I’m only bringing a couple changes of clothes to spend Thursday and Friday night with Ash and drive back Saturday early to make it back for morning skate. I set it by the door and fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

THIRTY-TWO

ELI

The roads areempty so early in the morning and I make it to Grand Marquee in just two hours and park in front of my old building. Since Alice is subletting my apartment, I make my way up to the third floor and instead of going to my door, I go to Ash’s, right across the hall. I knock three times and wait. When he doesn’t open the door, I pull out my phone and call him. The phone rings and rings until it goes to voicemail. It does that three times.

I knock again, this time a little harder. My heart starts beating faster and I’m starting to worry. Did something happen after he left the bar last night? Did he drink? Did he go home with someone? I feel ashamed for even thinking it, knowing that Ash would never do anything to hurt me like that. But what if he needed a distraction and I wasn’t here for him?

The door opens, but it’s not the one I’m knocking on. I turn around and see a rumpled looking Alice. She frowns at me and rubs her eyes, making sure I’m really there.

“Hey,lapsi.”

“Eli, you’re here?”

“Yeah,” I say, dropping my backpack and giving her a hug. She looks across the hall at Ash’s apartment door and sighs.

“He’s fine, don’t worry. I saw him briefly when he got home, he had some takeout and looked really tired and you know—beat up. I’m sure he’s just resting.”

I swallow hard. “Right, of course. I was hoping he’d let me in,” I say, chuckling and pointing to my backpack.

Alice smiles at me and pats my chest. “Hold on a second,” she says, going back into my—no—her apartment. She comes back and holds up a key, twirling it around her fingers. “I’m only supposed to use this in emergency situations. But I think you being stranded in the hallway is considered quite the emergency.” She smirks and with the way her blue eyes twinkle, she looks so much like Robbie.

I smile and pluck the key from her fingers. “Thank you, you’re a lifesaver.”

She nods and yawns but hovers around the hallway with me until I gain the courage to go into Ash’s apartment.

“Hey Eli?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn’t say this last time we hung out, but—I think you and Ash are perfect for each other. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you both as happy as you were in Traverse City.”

“Hmm,” I say, debating how much I should tell her.

“I know your careers are important and that distance might feel like it’s a deal-breaker right now, but I don’t think it needs to be. If you love each other, I think you can make it work.” Alice wrings her hands and gives me a sad look as she says all of this and I get the feeling she’s not just talking about Ash.

I ponder what she said for a moment and realize that—she’s right, distance shouldn’t be a deal-breaker for us.

“Are you okay,lapsi?” I ask, picking up on her sadness.

“Yeah, just tired, that’s all,” she says, managing a small smile. “Someone woke me up with loud banging.”

---