Page 81 of Bar Down

THIRTY-SIX

ASH

I arriveat the arena just in time for warm ups, although I am the last to get dressed. Just like coach promised, the equipment is all there. The locker room is completely empty and I take a deep breath when I see my name on the locker plate. While everyone else is in the hallway, getting ready to hit the ice, I quickly put on all my gear and sprint out in my skates, hoping to surprise Eli before he gets in the warm-up zone.

Before I turn the corner to the tunnel, a familiar face stops me in my tracks.

“Dad?” I ask, voice quieter than I intended.

“Ashton,” my father says, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks very imposing in his dark charcoal suit and neatly combed brown hair that’s now streaked with gray.

Ever since I cut him out of my life and blocked his phone number, I’ve been wondering what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. I’ve made plenty of speeches and rehearsed them with Marge in therapy; speeches about how he ruined my life,how he never gave me any of the support I needed growing up, how he always made me feel less than.

Standing here in front of him now is a completely different experience. My mouth feels dry and my tongue heavy.Be brave, Ash.

“What are you doing down here? Shouldn’t you be up in a private box?” I ask, gripping my stick tightly.

“I came to see my son. Why did you block me?” he asks, moving closer to me. Each step he takes feels like a little crack in my neatly built facade.

“You’re kidding, right?” I say, voice tight. Is he serious right now?

His eyebrows climb his forehead and he frowns. “I am not. One moment you were galavanting through Europe, and the next you just disappeared. I was worried.”

I laugh and it’s loud enough to startle both of us. “Worried? When have you ever been worried?” I want to be angry at him, I really do, but I don’t give a shit anymore what he thinks of me.

“I always worry about you, why do you think I’m so hard on you?”

“Maybe because you’re a terrible father?” I mean for the words to hurt him but they just slide right off his impassive face. Not a single twitch.

“You know what, Dad? Whatever reason you had for coming down here, doesn’t matter. I blocked you because I couldn’t deal with your passive aggressiveness anymore. There was a point this summer when I hit rock bottom, and it was mostly because of you and how you’ve always made me out to be such a disappointment. So much so, that for the longest time I believed it. I didn’t think I was worthy of family, of solid friendships, of love,” I say, finding that my voice is steadier now as I’m getting things off my chest.

I take a few steps until we’re face to face and look him in the eyes as I say, “You always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It might have started with hockey, but it went way beyond that, and it really messed me up, Dad. So thank you, for coming down here and letting me say this to your face because this is the last time we’re ever going to be in the same room together.”

There’s the barest hint of surprise as his lips part and his blue eyes widen, but I don’t stick around for a reply. “If you want updates on my life, maybe tune into the news. I’ve got my eyes set on the NHL,” I say, walking away. Without turning around I add, “It might not be this year, but we’re coming for the Cup, old man. We won’t let Boston win again.”

I finally turn the corner and walk down the tunnel. The crew high fives me as I do and I hit the ice running. I see Eli on the far side of the ice and skate over to him. His mask is on, but I can still see the moment he registers it’s me because his eyes widen and he gives me the biggest smile.

“Ash, you’re here!”

“I am,” I say, hugging him as best I can with all the gear in the way. “I got called up as I was driving to Robbie’s house. Sounds like one of the forwards is out for a couple games, and I’ll be filling in.”

“That’s amazing,” Eli says. “I’m sorry I missed your call.”

“It’s fine, I missed yours too. But at least now we’ll have a few more days together.”

“Kalias, get in the net. We gotta get you warmed up for tonight,” Juuse says. Fucking Juuse, always in the way. “Meyers, good to see you again,” he says, smirking at me. I really hate this guy. He’s too pretty to be trustworthy.

“Couri, wish I could say the same,” I say, calling him by his last name.

He laughs and drops down to stretch as Eli skates over to the net, sparing a backwards glance at us. I don’t hear Juuse’s reply as I leave him behind and start my own warm up.

As we head back to the locker room, Eli and I keep our distance, remaining professional, as always.

Everyone gives me a warm welcome and the captain gives us all a speech about how important this game is for us, since we have a history of losing to Boston during home games. While I came in thinking I was just going to have fun and not give a shit, I realize that’s not a good approach.

The pressure starts to build and I take in deep, even breaths.

Focus.

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