Page 113 of My Boss

I let out a squeal of joy.

“However, I would ask you not to use me to test any more dishes consisting of such drastically different ingredients,”he adds in a warning tone. “It was an exception that your combination of shortcake and apples did not turn out to be a disaster for my taste buds.”

“That remains to be seen. Consider that in exchange for testing, I’m able to offer a lot.” I wink at him.

“This is called manipulation.”

“Call it what you will. And now I’m taking you to the living room because it’s time for a screening.”

“A screening?”

“Yes, a movie screening.” I jump down from the tabletop. “The handsome Jude Law, the lovely Cameron Diaz, the charming Kate Winslet and that fourth one are waiting for us… What was his name again? Never mind. We will watch my favorite Christmas romantic comedy,The Holiday! Have you seen it?”

“No.”

“I’m envious, I would like to watch it again for the first time. I hope you’ll enjoy it.”

But he doesn’t like it, not at all. While I gaze with glee and a pounding heart at Jude and Cameron’s first kiss, Jan is sitting bored and yawns! He’s about to fall asleep on me here.

I poke him with my shoulder.

“Would you like some more wine?”

“I am sleepy. When will this be over?”

“It just started; we’re a third of the way through.”

“Christ.” He moves his hands over his face; his eyes are bleary.

“They just kissed. It’s so romantic. Don’t you feel any excitement?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Maybe it’s because I’m not a woman.”

“And you weren’t moved when Kate’s guy proposed to another woman and Cameron’s guy cheated on her?”

“I have enough stimulation in my life. I have no desire to additionally experience the problems of fictional characters. I am bored, Maria. The film’s plot is absurd, the idea of swapping apartments is unrealistic.”

“Why?”

“First of all, where did the women get the keys to their homes? Am I to understand that the owner of a massive mansion in Los Angeles left the entrance gate open or hid the key in a publicly accessible place? You are an intelligent woman, judge for yourself.”

“Jan, it’s a romantic comedy meant to put you in a positive mood. It’s not the adventures of Detective Poirot, where the leading crime mystery is how the two women got to their homes.”

“Which does not absolve the screenwriter from the obligation to be credible. And here’s another piece of gibberish: why didn’t Kate warn her brother about her departure and the house swap? Would you, going to the United States for two weeks during the holiday season and leaving your apartment in the care of a stranger, neglect to warn your brother? Assuming, of course, that you would be on better terms with him than you actually are.”

“You didn’t pay attention. Her brother made it clear that Kate may have mentioned something about leaving, but he painted the town red and forgot.”

“Nonsense. One does not forget things like that. Besides, what was he doing in the middle of nowhere at this hour? He claimed he was returning from a party. Who was he drinking with and where? With his neighbors? I doubt anyone would run a bar or drinking establishment in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps I’m too hasty in my opinion, after all, as you mentioned,we’re only a third of the way through the film, but this time I’m forced to give one star out of five. Sorry.”

“You are not sorry at all.”

“You’re right, I am not. But that’s supposedly the way to talk when you don’t want to offend someone. Such a socially accepted custom.”

I’m puffing up like Diodon and cross my arms. I am angry but I’m also hurt. I thought we were going to spend a pleasant Christmas evening in front of the screen, but Jan has taken on the role of a film critic and is ripping my beloved movie to shreds.

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