Page 125 of My Boss

“Not ‘ace’, Maria. AS. As in Asperger’s Syndrome.”

I freeze.

“Asperger’s?” A wave of heat hits me. “Do you think Jan is autistic?”

“I’m not sure. But before, when you told me about him, he seemed to me to fit somehow as AS. But this is just a guess. He would have to be diagnosed by a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a speech therapist maybe…”

I know what such diagnoses look like. I met several autistic people in the counseling center when I was a child and where they were assessing my mathematical genius.

“But he doesn’t look autistic. He expresses himself normally, is physically, mentally, and intellectually fit, and has no tantrums. In fact, he’s a normal guy with numerous quirks.”

“From what you said, he clearly has trouble adjusting socially, has a low level of interpersonal skills, obsesses over selected areas, has trouble showing feelings, reacts with withdrawal to strong sensory stimuli, and has trouble assimilating and processing them. Autism spectrum disorders manifest themselves differently and have different intensities in different people. There are a huge number of undiagnosed adults with Asperger’s who live normal lives, trying to adjust by observing others and learning social behavior. Some days this works better, on others it doesn’t. Some adapt to the prevailing norms more quickly, others more slowly. Some are overly composed and do not succumb to their emotions; others are hyperactive and easily angered. Many people on the autism spectrum are successful: doctors, scientists, inventors,musicians, and artists. Apparently, the whole of Silicon Valley is a hub for individuals with Asperger’s. Some believe that if it weren’t for AS, we would still be living in the Paleolithic era technologically. Many prominent and famous people have had or are diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome: Maria Sklodowska-Curie, Albert Einstein, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig van Beethoven, Alfred Hitchcock, Bill Gates, Dan Aykroyd, Lionel Messi.”

“Messi, the soccer player? Impossible.”

“He certainly does. In his case, Asperger’s manifests itself in the fact that he is a perfectionist on the field, repeats his movements with precision, and has excellent hand-eye coordination. And here’s the interesting thing, contrary to what is said about people on the autism spectrum, he excels in team play. Which only confirms what I told you earlier. Every AS is different, unique in its own way.”

“I know that Jan is special,” I slide my hands into my hair; my heart aches. “God, that would explain everything. His behavior, his way of being. How could I not have guessed?”

“And what would it change if you knew? Would you feel pity for him?”

“No, I would just be more understanding. It’s not his fault that he’s like this. Heck, it’s no wonder he didn’t want to go to the restaurant then. And that he refused to participate in New Year’s Eve.”

“He tries to avoid reactive stimuli: noise, loud music, bustle, too much light.”

“Christ, I’m such an insensitive bitch.”

“Come on. After all, you didn’t know. And he clearly didn’t want to disclose himself to you. Or maybe he doesn’t even know he has Asperger’s? Many adults are undiagnosed, and yet somehow, they manage. There is no cure for this. You have to observe your surroundings and learn life—literally. The world isdiverse. People are neurodiverse. If you like Jan, feel special in his company, want to be with him despite his eccentricities and, moreover, can accept them, then just be with him. You are great in bed, and this is a very important element in a relationship. All indications are that Jan has felt something for you for a long time, he just showed it in his own way. Perhaps he couldn’t do otherwise, and it’s possible that he still has trouble with it. Quite likely, you will never hear a confession of love from him because naming emotions does not come easily to AS-es. They are not very generous in sharing their feelings. But you can see that you are not indifferent to him and that he is a good man.”

“He is a good man. A very good one.” I realize how much Jan’s acquaintance with me must have cost him, how much I have changed in his well-ordered life in just a few days, and I feel like going back to him later today, asking for forgiveness, and then kissing him into unconsciousness. And once he wakes up, make love to him until we both fall from exhaustion.

“I really like him.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“And I even think…” I feel that my heart is about to burst. “That I totally fell head over heels for him.”

“All the more reason not to give up on him so easily. Meet, talk, get to know each other, have sex, respect each other’s weaknesses, and love each other’s strengths. Just try to be more understanding toward him this time. Don’t push him when he shies away from something, and appreciate that he is trying for you. He may not even know that he is making you uncomfortable with his behavior. He may not understand your emotions or conduct. If so, you need to lay it out to him directly, as simply as possible, how you feel and what you expect from him. Calmly, clearly, precisely, in detail, with examples. Because if he has AS, this is how he navigates the world. The more you push him, the worse it will get. Give him freedom, peace and as much time ashe needs. Autism is a disorder, not a disease. You can learn to live with it, and he’s doing just fine anyway. Don’t force him into interpersonal relationships or take him out to parties or outings with friends when you already know he doesn’t like it. The fact that he sticks to his rules and is systematic gives him a sense of security. Don’t overwhelm him with your ironic jokes because from what you have said, he simply doesn’t understand them. And I know that you are capable of teasing and often in a very sarcastic way. I think that Jan, even if he tried to meet your demands and switched to joker mode, knowing AS’s predilection for acquiring knowledge, would learn all the jokes he could find on the Internet by heart just to please you. In time, he would probably begin to understand your sense of humor, as he would observe you and duplicate your jokes as he has done so far in life, looking at other people around him. It may take time. And it may also never happen. Just accept him as he is. It’s possible that things won’t be perfect between you, but good enough for you to feel happy with him. The question is, do you want that?”

The moment she asks this, I hear the sound of an incoming message.

I glance at the display and hold my breath.

Are you at home?

“Toska, it’s Jan. I have to go.”

“Sure. Good luck with that. And let me know how it goes.”

“Well. Thanks a lot for the conversation. You are a doll.”

“I hope I helped.”

“Very much so! Kiss, kiss.”

I hang up and immediately reply to the message:

I am.

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