Page 30 of A Reign of Embers

I tip my head. “As Your Imperial Highness wishes.”

The weight of the other guards’ gazes follows me as I set off along the edge of the room. They’re not sure what to make of their empress’s recent reliance on me. They may be glad to see her casting me off.

None of them has any idea that she’s been keeping an eye on me at least as much as expecting me to watch over her.

I commit myself to the duty she’s asked of me, keeping my ears pricked and my eyes keen as I tread along the outskirts of the rows of tables. The nobles take no note of me while they engage in their everyday chatter, other than an occasional twitch of disgust when someone’s gaze passes over my discolored face.

No one appears to be talking about Valerisse or yesterday’s challenge. I’ll consider that a good sign.

As I continue my patrol along the back wall, a different name catches in my ears. “…if Marclinus were still here.”

I pause, not looking toward the speakers. Are they comparing Aurelia to me—criticizing her while mourning their late emperor?

A different voice answers. “Thank the gods he isn’t. Did you hear about all his grandstanding on his tour? Acting like he was a god himself… He’s lucky Sabrelle didn’t strike him down before he ever got home.”

Someone else snorts. “He probably figured that if any of the godlen objected, he’d just order his soldiers to run them through like he would any of us.” She pauses, the dry humor fading from her tone. “I can’t help thinking about all thosegirls. If he’d gone ahead and married Aurelia in the first place…”

“He had to be sure it was the right choice,” a fourth figure puts in, though he sounds awkwardly uncertain. “It’s good that we know how hard she’ll fight for the imperial family.”

“Did the others really deserve todiebecause they couldn’t fight quite as hard? They weren’t even prepared… I’m not sure all of them even wanted to marry him in the first place.”

Yet another table-mate makes a shushing sound. “I never heard you talk like that while His Imperial Majesty was still around.”

“Who would have? We didn’t wantourthroats cut.”

From the corner of my eye, I see one of the noblewomen in the group glance toward the head table. “Our empress does seem as though she’ll be less eager about bloodshed, even if she isn’t afraid to deal it out as need be. It’ll be nice getting used to speaking without panicking over any slight slip of the tongue.”

Faint chuckles carry around the table with a chorus of agreement.

I propel myself onward, their words churning inside me in a noxious stew. Is that what my court really thought of me?

Well, me and my brother, but as Aurelia pointed out so incisively, I bear responsibility for his actions too. We were a duo, a partnership, the closest sort of collaboration any two people could take part in.

He fucked so much up… and I let him. Because it was easier than fighting with him about it and risking the whole house of cards tumbling down. Easier to hope I could eventually find a way to moderate his growing madness.

I can’t place all the blame on his shoulders. I agreed to the trials. I helped carry them out.

I put Aurelia through the wringer even after, called for punishments on a whim. While I thought of those whims as forceful authority, how much thought did I really give to any of the pain I dealt out?

All this time, I assumed the court followed me because they believed in the power of the imperial line. Because they respected the choices my father and I made.

Were they actually cowering in fear every moment they were around me? Faking their admiration and loyalty just as Aurelia did and feeling nothing but relief with me gone?

By the time I reach the far corner, a lump has congealed in my throat too thick for me to swallow away.

Force is necessary, sometimes. A little fear can be a useful instrument. But I never intended it to be the only tool in my arsenal. That’s pure carelessness. An authority as hollow as the devotion Aurelia feigned.

I didn’t want to rule that way, just as I didn’t want a marriage won through terror. I wanted to see my people—the whole empire—actuallythrive.And all the while, they were holding their breaths whenever I was nearby, trembling at the thought that one mistake would cost them their lives…

I wondered last night what Aurelia has reduced me to, but it seems I reduced myself to a shadow of an emperor before she ever arrived in Dariu.

Even this morning—do I really think her strategy is wrong? Or am I more rankled that she’s perpetuating the same ploy that worked against me, that I’ll be able to contribute even less if she doesn’t need my insights into my own godlen’s attitudes?

I look toward the high table myself. I take in the warmth in the smiles aimed Aurelia’s way, the way the nobles around her exchange conversation in harmony rather than a jockeying for dominance.

It’s not an atmosphere I’m familiar with.

If I want to stay by this incredible woman’s side, I need to do more than be useful to her. I need to show I can be part of the new version of court she’s creating. Build something real rather than pressing on her fears.

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