Page 86 of Dissent

Matias was like stone, arms crossed, with a cold energy seeping off him. A look of pure hate was sinking in across his expression. “You can’t.” I was struggling to form the words, my voice still barely a whisper as the last word escaped my lips. “Please.”

His eyes drifted to mine and caught me there, but he said nothing. And his lack of a response was a response in itself. Matias was going to kill Jacob. The chill that ran down my spine spread throughout my whole body, leaving me trembling.

Chelsea crumbled then, her body curving inward over itself as she gripped her head, digging her nails into her skull as she shrieked out in pain, “Oh god,please, make it stop!”

Matias was at her side in a flash, the look of hate replaced with concern and affection. Both of his hands went to hold her elbows, giving her support as he brought his body down toward her. His face—his lips—were so close to hers. My insides twisted into knots as magma hit my heart and permeated my entire system, replacing the frigid chill with the familiar bitterness and burning of jealousy.

“Chelsea, what’s wrong? What’s happening?” he asked her.

“I don’t know,” she gasped out, her knuckles going white with the strain of her grip in her hair. “Just make it stop! Make the pain stop!”

Edith turned on her heels beside me and called out for help. I knew I should do something…anything, but I was frozen. The cocktail was back. Fear—so much fear for so many things, twisting with hurt, tangling itself with jealousy. I could hear boots running toward us, but I didn’t turn around to see who it was. Because in front of me, Chelsea had relaxed. Whatever pain had been there was now gone. And in front of me, she placed her hands on Matias’s stomach, her fingers curling around his shirt. Her eyes locked with his, and the exchange carried so much in it—longing, hurt, fear, and…love.

“Please…” her voice was delicate, and her tone a plea. “Don’t leave me.” The second the words escaped her lips, I knew exactly what she was asking him. It was so much more than a request for company. There were so many layers to her simple plea. And I wasn’t stupid. I knew what she was asking of him.

Choose me.

Matias collapsed, taking her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her and resting his cheek on the top of her head, just like he had done with me. Just like he held me that first day at the river. Just like he held me while we talked earlier in the day, watching the sunset. I was all too familiar with that enveloping gesture.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he cooed, soothing her. “I won’t leave you. I won’t leave you ever again.”

His words grated against my insides, causing all the emotions that had been warring within me to roil. I wrapped my arms around myself as my world collapsed, the pain stabbing my heart, turning it into a broken, mushy mess. Because I knew what this meant. It was stupid of me to think that I could compete with the history they shared. That somehow, I was something special.

As others joined us, brushing past me to attend to Chelsea and whatever the hell was going on with her, I took steps backward. My breath came in quick and shallow, and I felt myself wanting to get lost in the chaos erupting all around me. My vision blurred as tears threatened to cascade down my face, but I blinked them back. I wouldn’t do this. I wasn’t doing this again.

I took another step back, looking around me, not wanting to witness Matias and Chelsea’s newfound love for one another. That was when I saw them—hazel eyes fixed on me, unwavering and burning like liquid gold.

Wes.

I felt a tear slip, the wet droplet rolling down my cheek. Wes’s stoic expression gave little away, but his eyes…his eyes were speaking volumes that I just couldn’t read.

But I didn’t care.

Nothing mattered anymore. I turned on my heels and moved quickly, bumping into Edith on the way out. I was so sick of all of it. I was so done with the whole effing thing.Screw it.Screweveryone! I threw back the flap of the infirmary when I heard my name being called behind me. I didn’t know who it was, and I really didn’t care. As the cool air hit my face, the urge to flee hit me. And that’s what I did.

I ran.

44: Life’s a Bitch and Then You Die

Ididn’tknowwhereI was going, and I didn’t care. For the second time in less than two months, my heart felt like it was breaking in two. I ran. I didn’t even know what direction I was headed in. The wind whipped through my hair, the cold filtering through the fabric of my clothes.

It felt good.

An ache started up in my legs as my muscles stretched with each extension of my limbs, adrenaline coursing through my veins, making my legs faster, stronger. And I just kept running, needing to get away, to put as much distance between me and everything else, driving me forward. I was running away from all of it. From Telvia, from the Dissenters, from Raúl and Belinda, from propaganda footage and processing facilities. I was running from freaking Sasha and Wes. From Chelsea and Edith. I was even running from Matias.

I was done.

I didn’t know how long I ran for or how far I had gotten, but I came to a point where my chest ached from the exertion, and my legs were wobbly—overworked and fatigued. My muscles felt like they wouldn’t be able to carry me for much longer, and when they felt like they were going to give out from under me, I slowed and stopped running. Collapsing onto my knees, I felt the lactic acid building up in my muscles, and the burn in my chest threatened to consume me. I panted, gasping for oxygen to relieve my lungs of the fire inside them. My hands rested on my thighs as my eyes closed, and my mind raced through the knowledge that I desperately didn’t want to accept.

I had no place to go.

My family wanted me dead. And Jacob…oh god, Jacob. Was he really no better than Raúl? No better than…her.The memory of the pure joy that Belinda didn’t even try to hide when she beat me into a pulp of torn flesh and blood swept through my mind. And then there was Matias.

Matias.

He had chosen Chelsea, and the sting of hurt and jealousy was back, souring my mouth. And why shouldn’t he? They had known each other for forever, shared a history of being orphans and only having each other to cling to. They’d been together before, on and off, according to Edith. And everyone basically assumed that they would end up together. Of course, he’d choose her. I’d been here five weeks? Six? I couldn’t even remember anymore. Time had become warped in this place, and I had lost track of the days. But I knew I couldn’t compete with the history they shared.

She won.

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