Page 112 of Resisting the Running Back

I try to categorize these feelings. I try to push them aside.

I need to focus, and I pull back onto the road as I do my best to leave those fears behind on the side of the road where I allowed them into my conscious thoughts.

I arrive at the stadium and see the parking lot is already full of the vehicles my teammates drive—lots of trucks and luxury SUVs. I figured I’d be one of the first to arrive, but it looks like I’m one of the last.

Maybe I pulled over to the side of the road a little longer than I thought.

I’m already in my practice clothes, but I grab my duffel anyway and haul it into the locker room with me. I spot my practice jersey and some other gear, and I settle onto the bench inside my locker as I glance around the locker room that’s already bustling with activity this morning. Loud rap music pours from the sound system as we all get pumped up for today’s activities, and I glance at the locker to my left where Isaiah is changing his shoes.

“Are you ready?” he asks.

“Do I have a choice?” I shoot back.

He laughs. We both feel pretty secure in our positions. I’ll start, but he’ll get plenty of time on the field. Sometimes we run plays with two running backs, and other times I need to rest or sit out a play. I glance at the locker on the other side of Isaiah and spot Drake, who will get a little less time than Isaiah. Next to him is Jalen, who will have to prove himself at camp before we know what his season will look like. Roman and Byron are here, too, but they don’t have lockers by ours. They’re on the practice squad, so they get a shared space to store their equipment on the other side of the locker room.

Tanner walks by, and I stand as we do our twin handshake.

We haven’t lived together since he and Cassie moved in together, and I miss seeing him all the time. We lived together the majority of our adult lives, and while we’re still close, the dynamic has definitely shifted.

Still, he’s my best friend, and if there’s anybody I could talk to about the shit I’m going through with Sophie, it’s him.

And maybe I will at some point over the next two weeks. Maybe I won’t.

We start with a big team meeting to introduce the themes of the next two weeks. The new players are introduced eventhough we’ve already met, and then we break out into smaller groups with our position coaches.

It’s all so predictable.

Our goal is to win games. We’ll do that by focusing on fundamentals.

It’s literally the same regurgitated speech every season from every coach who I’ve ever played for, from high school to college to two different teams at the professional level.

And this year…I’m just not sure I’m feeling it.

I know what happened last season when Tanner wasn’t feeling it, though he was in a much different place than I was. And it led to a torn ACL. He was out for the season. It gave him the time he needed to focus on his new relationship.

I don’t need that time, though. It’s not like Sophie would be the one to rehab me if I got injured.

And I have gotten injured. Of course. I get injured nearly every time I step onto that field. But I’ve never sat out an entire season, and I don’t plan on doing it now.

Even so, it doesn’t feel like my heart is in it this year, and I don’t know what to do about that.

We get out on the field after lunch and start with some drills, and then we head back in for more meetings. We review tape. We eat dinner as a team. We watch more tape.

It’s after ten by the time I get up to the room I’m sharing with Tanner, and I’m fucking beat. I was up early, and between the emotional pull that’s back home with Sophie and the feelings I’m experiencing here so far, I feel completely out of sorts.

“The fuck’s going on with you?” Tanner asks when I walk into the room.

“Well, hello to you, too,” I say dryly.

“Look, I know you’re thequietbrother,” he says, tossing air quotes around the wordquiet, “but whatever’s eating you is affecting me, so get it together.”

“I’m fine.” I don’t sound very convincing.

“Is it Sophie?” he asks. “What’s going on with the two of you? Cassie said she ran into Soph at the grocery store the other day, and she was acting strange.”

I plop onto the queen bed that’ll be mine for the next two weeks and lie back. I stare up at the ceiling. “When we found out Eddie was our biological father, something shifted in me. I was scared I’d end up like him.”

He blows out a breath as he knows that’s my intro to the rest of what’s bothering me.

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