“Well…because…” Her eyes darted left, right, back down to her orange juice, anywhere but at me, before she scoffed. “I’ve told you…you know…”
Wow. That was truly, comically horrible.
This wasn’t a conversation I particularly wanted to behaving right now; I was kinda drunk, I was very tired, and I should probably shut it down until we were both in a better frame of mind.
But I had an annoying habit of not letting anything go.
“Is it really that difficult to tell me how you feel?”
“Look. I don’t know yet, Tan. Stop rushing me.”
Stepping over to the kitchen island, I pulled out a stool and sat down. “I’m not rushing you, I’m asking you a question.”
“And I’m telling you I don’t know.”
When Millie and I first met, I used to be subjected to her snarl whenever I saw her, a snarl with a lot of fire in her eyes. Somewhere along the way the snarl disappeared but the fire was still there, burning bright, even right now.
Yet for some reason she was trying to hide it from me. It was the same way she hesitated every time I told her how I felt. It was there, but she wouldn’t admit it.
“I think you do, and I also think you’re scared.”
“Of course, I’m fucking scared,” she snapped, her hands flying into the air. “I’m twenty-one and having a baby with someone I barely know. Yes, I’m fucking scared.”
Her chest heaved, like the weight of telling the truth finally allowed her to breathe easier. But then she saw my face.
“Barely know?”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
Pushing out of the stool, I removed a glass from the cabinet and picked up the OJ carton to pour my own. “I think you did.”
Her mouth had pursed so tight it had almostdisappeared as she tried to figure a way out of this argument. Except she couldn’t.
“Obviously Ilikeyou. A lot. Why can’t you just be happy with that and let me get there in my own time?”
“You like me? Gee,thanks.”
It had been a while since I’d seen Millie’s nostrils flare quite so dramatically.
“We’re having a baby, we’ve only just started dating. Why does everything have to be so rushed? We’re all out of order, and if I hadn’t gotten pregnant, none of this would be happening. We’d still be tolerating each other.”
“No, that’s not true.” I shook my head. “If you hadn’t gotten pregnant, then I’d be pursuing you, like I always had. You getting pregnant just confirmed to me that we’re meant to be together. You being pregnant has nothing to do with why I love you. It just got me there quicker, and who cares about the order? Who wants to be conventional?”
Her hands shot up to her ears. “Stop saying you love me.”
“No.”
“Tanner, it’s too much.”
“Too much for whom?”
“Forme. I can’t take the pressure.”
“What pressure? I told you I was happy taking it at your pace, and I meant it. And since we agreed to take it slow, I haven’t once asked if you’ve fallen in love with me. But I’m not going to apologize for lovingyou.”
I watched as tears brimmed in her eyes, and I was certain this was more than the usual baby hormones. When she cried from hormones she just looked kind of pissed, likeit was an inconvenience, but now there was an anguish present I hadn’t seen before.
“Mills, what’s this really about?”