Page 5 of Kill Your Darlings

“Nice, I think. Different. Neither of them went to college. She’s the first in her family—”

“She has two older brothers, though.”

“They’re both plumbers, like their father.”

“Smart boys.”

Wendy took a look at her son’s profile as he squinted toward the water. He’d had sort of a hipster mustache that he’d recently removed from his upper lip, and he looked so similar to the way Thom had looked at the same age. Dark-brown eyes, full brows, that beautiful rosebud mouth that was almost girlish. But he wasn’t like Thom, Wendy thought. He wasn’t a striver, wasn’t someone who cared what others thought of him, despite the ill-fated mustache. He seemed mostly happy in his own skin.

“How are you and Dad?” he asked. They were walking again.

“How doyouthink we are?”

“Dad’s drinking a lot.”

“That’s not exactly a new thing, is it?”

“No, I suppose not. Does it worry you?”

Instead of answering right away, Wendy thought about the question. “Ten years ago it did. I thought he’d do something to wreck his career or else he’d wreck the car, end up killing himself, or worse, someone else. But now it’s just part of our life, I guess. He drinks more when people are visiting. I don’t know what to say. Does it worry you?”

“Yes,” Jason said emphatically. “It makes me crazy that he’s always telling me we don’t spend enough time together, and then when we do get together, he’s so drunk he probably doesn’t even remember it.”

“I hear you, Jason, you’re preaching to the choir.”

That night, after her son and his girlfriend had left, and after Thom had fallen asleep in front of a hockey game, Wendy sat in the living room with a blanket around her, and her book in her lap, just thinking. What would she be doing right now if Thom’s fall on Thursday night had broken his neck and killed him? He’d be dead three days. Jason would have come earlier, and he’d still be here. What else? The neighbors would have made casseroles, and old friends would have called or sent text messages. And she’d be planning a funeral.

It would be a lot, those first few weeks, but once Thom was in the ground, then the next phase of her life could begin. She’d delete that novel he had begun work on, make sure it never saw the light of day. And then she’d be free to do what she wanted, not just for the remainder of her life but for every day of that life. The house would be hers, and the garden, and even the television remote. She could cook more fish. Maybe even one day she could form a new relationship. Not another husband. She would never have one of those again. But maybe a painter who only came to New Essex in the summers, someuncomplicated man who was good in bed and knew how to fix tricky sump pumps and failing gutters.

Wendy realized she was smiling while she thought of this new life, then told herself to think of the alternative. What would the next thirty years be like with Thom in them? Would it be possible to get back to the kind of relationship they’d had for the first half of their married life? The feeling that they were an exclusive club of two, with their own jokes and rules? A bubble that was both exciting and comforting and only for them. In the old days when they’d started to drift apart they always managed to find each other again, remind each other that they had authored their own existence, that they were special. Plus, they’d raised Jason, someone better than either of them. In that, they were in agreement.

But now, ever since Thom started having the bad dreams and the black moods, then the affairs and the drinking, it had all gone wrong. And it wasn’t going to get better. Thirty more years with Thom was not going to make either of them happy. And there was no such thing as divorce, not for them. They were together forever all the way to the end of the line, just like inDouble Indemnity.

She sipped her tea, gone cold. Without moving from her seat she made a decision. Life would be better without Thom in it. Far better.

Another movie quote went through her mind and made her smile again. It was a shame she couldn’t share it with Thom, because she thought it was quite clever.

I’m going to need a bigger set of stairs.

iv

Thom was walking across campus when he got the phone call from Wendy. She usually texted so he answered quickly. “What’s wrong?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re calling me.”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong. It’s just that I’ve done something impulsive and now I need you to look at your calendar.”

“What have you done?”

“I booked a trip.”

“Oh yeah?”

“It’s just a long weekend. In D.C. I thought we could take the train.”

“To D.C.?”

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