Page 30 of Healing Her

Ashley had to grab a fresh tissue as more tears spilled over. “She’s leaving,” she gasped out, new hurt piercing her heart. “She’s leaving, and I don’t know if she was going to tell me.”

“Oh.” Poor Elaine really did look like she was being hit by a barrage of bricks. It was a lot of information to take in, Ashley knew. Still, she was holding up admirably. “That’s sad to hear. I thought in her time here she’d been doing quite well and that she liked it.”

“She loved it here. I ruined it,” Ashley spat bitterly. “I let myself get involved, but I had no idea what I was doing. I treated her like trash, and now the hospital’s losing her and so…” She had to wrap her arms around her middle to hold herself together, it felt so much like she was coming apart at the seams. “And so am I. It’s all my fault.”

Now she was bent double in her chair, almost hyperventilating as Elaine helplessly patted her back. She’d never felt anything in her life like she had the last several weeks. To go from detesting Jen, to realizing she was attracted to her, then the electric thrill of sleeping with her and the unaccustomed, addictive intimacy oftalkingto someone late into every night, of being known for what felt like the first time…

There had been no time to process any of it, not with how fast it had gone, not with how urgent Maria’s heart situation had been and how much time and attention that had taken in and of itself. She’d thought there would be time for that, eventually, somehow. But she had compartmentalized it all too much, too far, pushedeventuallytoo far down the road too fast.

She did think that Jen could have granted her a touch more grace, but she was coming to understand, however slowly, why it hadn’t happened. Her mind flashed back to the last time she’d seen Jen, in that conference room. Jen had asked her for one thing. Dinner out, together, in a restaurant. After explaining as clear as day how hurt she was at being held at arm’s length in public. And Ashley hadn’t even been able to give her even that much. How dehumanizing.

Slowly, Ashley sat up and felt able to meet Elaine’s anxious gaze. “Are you alright?” her mentor asked, eyes apprehensive.

“I mean, no. But I think I am capable of a rational conversation now.” Some tendrils of her hair had come loose from her updo in the tumult of her tears. Ashley smoothed them back and tucked them in as best she could. Taking one more tissue, she gently blotted and wiped under her eyes; if there were mascara trails, she’d deal with them later. She faced Elaine fully. “I don’t usually ask you for any personal advice. Our relationship was never built on that. But I have no one else to talk to about this. Do you have anything that might help?”

“Talk to her,” Elaine said simply. “Do you think you can tell her how you feel? If you haven’t…”

“I haven’t, exactly…” Ashley ducked her head. “We’ve had some amazing long conversations into the night but… not about feelings.”

“Well, no wonder she’s upset with you.” Elaine’s words were a touch harsh, but her tone was light to take the sting out. “You don’t talk about feelings, and you treat her like a pariah at the hospital? She must feel like a… a… I don’t know. A sex puppet.”

“Elaine!” Ashley felt her eyes go wide. She couldn’t exactly dispute it, to her shame, but she also couldn’t believe Elaine had said it.

“It felt necessary to be bold about it. I wanted to be sure it got through.” Again, the words stung, but her eyes were a-twinkle. “You’ve always been quite sealed off. If Doctor Colton has managed to crack open the closed book of you even a little, that’s amazing, and it deserves a significant amount of respect.” She patted Ashley’s knee. “Now. What do you know about her leaving?”

“I didn’t hear all of it. I walked up around the end of the conversation, I think. She’s flying out to the Mayo Clinic the day after tomorrow.”

“On Christmas? They must really be interested in her.” Elaine looked impressed.

“I can’t compete with the Mayo Clinic,” Ashley groaned, rubbing her temples. “Nobody could. I tried to get in there twice, they turned me down flat. Of course they want Jen.”

“But I would think you want hermore,” Elaine pointed out, her voice steely. “You are going to fight for this, aren’t you?”

“I don’t see how I can. It sounded like she definitely wanted to leave here no matter what.” The thought made Ashley slump back in her seat once more.

“I’ve never known you to be sodefeatist,Ashley.” There was no cheery lilt in Elaine’s voice to ease the blow this time, and that made Ashley look at her closely and pay attention. “Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You know where you messed things up. You know there must be a way to fix that.”

“Yes, I… I think so,” Ashley replied slowly, her brain beginning to tick over.

Dr. Martin got to her feet, slapping her thighs on the way up. “Well, then. Let’s go get us a nice Christmas dinner somewhere and brainstorm. You won’t be letting that woman go without a fight, I’ll see to it.”

For the first time in days, Ashley felt something that might be… hope?

21

“Thank you for the nice ride.” Jen shook the hand of her Uber driver and made herself summon up a smile from somewhere. “I’ll give you a great rating, everything was wonderful.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” the nice young man replied, ducking his head with a bashful grin. He’d been a delight to talk to during the ride, a handsome young aspiring actor from Tennessee who was Ubering to make ends meet. His stories about his single mama back home in Memphis had kept Jen either smiling or on the verge of tears the whole time. “Hope I’ll get you again when you come back, I’d be happy to drive you again anytime.”

“I’ll hope for that too.” She accepted her tiny red suitcase as he lifted it out of the trunk of his little Hyundai and with a wave, headed off into the airport to find the security lines. It was a good thing she was traveling carry-on only and had splurged on TSA Pre-Check a couple of years ago. She’d be able to get to her gate in a flash.

Jen had checked in on her phone last night as soon as the notification had come up, ready to get on her way to Minneapolis. But now as she walked towards security, she foundher feet dragging. And she checked her phone over and over to see if there was anything from Ashley.

It didn’t surprise her that there wasn’t. She had, to her shame, been ghosting the woman. She knew it wasn’t like her and that it was probably hurting Ashley’s feelings. No, she corrected herself with guilt. Not probably.Definitely. She’d been avoiding Ashley at the hospital, too. And sometimes when their eyes met, just before Jen ducked her head and scurried off, she had seen a flash of pain in those hopeful brown eyes.

The thing was, after the first couple of days of Jen gently rebuffing Ashley’s efforts to connect, there had been only radio silence and those hurt glances. It was as if Ashley had simply… given up. There had been no urgent cornerings in a deserted hospital corridor, no furtive encounters at her apartment door, not even a single late night phone call.

Surely, if Ashley wanted to try and fix things, she would have donesomething, wouldn’t she? But Jen had heard nothing, she had left the contact ball in Ashley’s court and there it sat, abandoned. If Ashley did want to repair their relationship, Jen would have liked a public acknowledgment at the hospital. Not a big announcement, just… it might have been enough, she thought, if Ashley had approached her and asked her to talk, while some of their colleagues were around.

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