Page 168 of Hard to Resist

I am mildly regretting my decision.

There is a couple making cute faces at one another while they swap pastries and try each other’s drinks.

It’s exactly what Cullen and I used to do.

Throwing myself into this job search is the only thing keeping me sane, the only thing preventing me from falling into a heartbroken, depressive spiral. But the moment I stop and take a breath, everything comes flooding back. My distractions are only a temporary fix.

I haven’t spoken to him in a month, and he hasn’t tried to contact me, other than that first week when he left a drunken voicemail.

I’ve listened to that message too many times.

I should probably delete it, but I can’t bring myself to.

His voice was so raw, so full of hurt and pain, but beneath it was desperate longing and unabashed desire. I know he is sorry.I know that he regrets not telling me the truth. I know he cares about me…that he loves me.

That is the worst part.

The last few words of the voicemail.

“Verity, I know I shouldn’t be calling you. I know you said not to contact you. But I’m dying over here, angel. The world is boring without you in it. Food tastes like ash. Sleep is filled with nightmares of you walking away again and again. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up the most I have in my entire life. I’ve never truly regretted any of my decisions before, but I regret hurting you and only giving you half-truths. I promised I would keep you safe, and I failed. I hate myself for that. But please, don’t hate me, too. I’ll hate myself enough for the two of us, so don’t hate me, Verity. Don’t look at me like I’m the worst person to have ever walked into your life. I love you, and I don’t think I could bear to keep breathing if you hated me. I…”

I don’t hate him.

I want to. I really, really want to. I’ve spent the last four weeks telling myself to forget him, telling myself that I can’t be with a man who lied to me. Because what’s to stop him from lying to me again?

I’ve always been the type to forgive and forget, but everyone just walks all over me. All the guys I’ve dated before tossed me to the side without a second thought. I’m replaceable.

I don’t want to feel like that again.

I want to be the first choice. I want to be the person they can’t stop thinking about. I want to be the one they care for, because all my life I’ve cared about everyone else, and I just want a break. I worry every second of the day if what I’m doing is right, and I just want someone to hold me tight and tell me they’ve got me.

I spend all my energy trying to be successful, trying to live up to the expectations I’ve placed on myself. And the one time I wasselfish, the one time I allowed myself to follow my heart, I ended up falling from the ladder I’ve been climbing, landing on my ass.

And now I’m back at square one. With no job. No money. No nothing.

It sucks.

I wish someone would help me without me needing to ask, and I can’t deny that Cullen showed me he could be that person.

Ever since I met him, he has done all the little things.

He hears what I say when I don’t even speak a word.

He has never given up on me.

Would it be so bad if I forgave him?

I squeeze my eyes shut and let out a deep sigh. I don’t need this added existential romantic crisis on top of everything else I am dealing with. I need a job; that is my priority. As much as I want to deal with the Cullen issue, I can’t do that if I’m not even able to get my own life sorted.

“Excuse me, Verity?”

I bolt up, almost clocking the person in the chin with my forehead.

“Garrett?”

The real estate star gives me his signature swoon-worthy grin as he pulls out the chair opposite me. “Mind if I take a seat?”

“Uh, no. Go for it.”

---