Page 36 of Reluctantly Yours

“She panicked and might have aspirated,” Penny muttered, running her fingers through her wet hair to get it out of her face.“She should go to the hospital.Just in case.”

“I agree.”I grabbed a beach towel from the lounge chair and wrapped it around Sofia while Penny pulled a cover-up over her head and shoved her feet into sandals.

“I’m okay, Daddy,” Sofia insisted as I walked to the car with her in my arms.

“I just want to be sure.”Fuck me, what if?There was no end to the ugly images racing through my mind by the time we set off with Sofia in Penny’s lap.

She didn’t say a word, staring straight ahead, gently rocking Sofia.I wondered if she knew she was doing it or if she was too far away to notice.A tear trickled down her cheek, but she made no move to brush it away.

* * *

“You wereright to bring her in.”The doctor was warm, kind, sitting with us once he finished examining Sofia.She was happy as could be, watching television from a hospital bed in the ER, sucking on a lollipop.I kept one eye on her, watching through the glass door between us.

“She’s all right, isn’t she?”Penny asked.She looked and sounded like she was ready to lunge, eyes searching his face.She had barely said a word since we got there, settling on silently pacing the waiting area, chewing her nails until there was hardly anything left.Nothing I said seemed to get through to her.

“She’s fine,” he assured her, patting her knee.“But it’s always a good idea in cases like this to double check, which is why I’m glad you came in.Sometimes, a kid can look just fine, they can act normally, and no one would know they aspirated water.Sometimes, it can lead to serious complications.That’s not the case here,” he concluded.“She’s just fine.From now on, she shouldn’t be jumping into the deep end until she’s a stronger swimmer.”

“Thank you, Doctor.”I shook his hand, but Penny was too overwhelmed to speak, wrapping her arms around herself and staring at the floor as he left.

“Wait right here,” I said softly, heading to check on Sofia, who barely glanced at me, her attention glued to SpongeBob SquarePants on the screen.Her carefree giggles felt like a small relief, a stark contrast to Penny’s anxiety visible on the other side of the glass.

“I’ll be back in a minute, sweetheart,” I told her.Returning to Penny, I sat beside her and placed a gentle hand on her back, waiting for her to meet my gaze.“See?”I said softly.“She’s fine.These things happen.”

“I wasn’t watching.She could have…” She ducked her head before the tears began to fall.She covered her face with both hands, shaking and sobbing.I didn’t try to tell her to stop.I didn’t bother brushing it off, insisting there was nothing to be upset about.

Rubbing her back, I murmured, “Things happen, but you got her out of there quickly.Quicker than I reacted.”

“What if she… I can’t… I can’t go through that again.”A fresh burst of emotion tore its way out of her in the form of wracking sobs.

“No.Don’t do that to yourself.”She didn’t resist as I pulled her into my arms, holding her, rocking her the way she rocked Sofia in the car.“That didn’t happen this time.You were there to help this time.”

“I wasn’t before!”Wrapping her arms around me, clinging to me, she sobbed, “I didn’t help b-before!H-he needed me!”

Jesus Christ.Just when I thought I had faced everything I could handle today.Her words, paired with the heartbreaking emotion behind them, threatened to crack my chest open.“You didn’t know,” I whispered in her ear, stroking her wet hair as she almost clawed my shirt to pieces.I wouldn’t have cared if she did.

“And I almost let Sofia drown!I would never, ever forgive myself.”Her tears soaked into my shirt by the time she lifted her flushed, wet face, eyes searching mine.Looking for answers.For absolution.

“Hey.I was there too.It was my fault for distracting you.”That was the truth, and every word was another weight on me.It was my fault.“People do stuff like that all the time without thinking about it.You didn’t panic.You got her out, you took care of her, and you’re here now.You did everything right.”

Her chin quivered, and her body shuddered, but she whispered, “Really?You’re not just saying that?”

“How long have you known me, and you think I would just say something for the sake of saying it?”I laughed softly, pulling a brief smile from her.“I mean every word, Penny.”Running a thumb over her cheek, I caught a fresh tear.“No one would ever question how devoted you are,” I told her.“Accidents happen.It wasn’t your fault just like it wasn’t your fault before.Don’t blame yourself.”

“If I had only woken up when he left.”Her gaze went unfocused as if she was staring through me.“I could’ve gone with him.Or stopped him.Something.”I had the feeling these were words she had spoken to herself countless times.“Sometimes I dream we’re back at the camper, and Josh is leaving, and I’m begging him not to go.Sometimes, he’s out in the water, and I fight and struggle to reach him.He keeps getting farther away, calling my name and begging for help.But he’s too far away…”

“Penny.”I pulled her close to me, aching for her, her brother, and her family, but mostly for her—for the anguish in her voice and the way she shook almost violently in my arms.“Penny, Penny, it’s not your fault.You couldn’t help him then, but you helped my daughter today.You saved her.”Pulling back, I held her tear-stained face at eye level.“You have to forgive yourself.You need to.”

“It’s so hard,” she whispered, shaking her head.“All those years growing up, I was responsible for everybody.Nobody had to force me into it.That’s how it was.”

“I’m sure that was a lot,” I murmured, gently brushing damp hair back from her forehead.

“It kind of became a habit.”The breath she released was deep, shaky.“I guess I’ve been beating myself up worse than I realized.”

“It sounds like you have, sweetheart.”I was tongue-tied and awkward, unsure of what to say.I only knew I had to make her feel better.I couldn’t stand the idea of her suffering any more than I could stand Sofia in pain.“Because if there’s anyone who deserves a little forgiveness, it’s you.I’ve never met anyone who deserves it more.”

Impulsively, I kissed her, letting my lips linger against hers.She tasted like chlorine and salt and that special something unique to her.Tension flowed from her body as she melted against me, and I could not have been more relieved that it did.When I pulled back, she was smiling.The spark of hope I had come to depend on was back in her eyes.

“Come on,” I said, taking her hand before standing.“Let’s get her out of here, maybe stop for burgers on the way home.It’s a hanging-out-in-front-of-the-TV kind of night if there was one.”

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