Page 49 of Reluctantly Yours

“I know.I just have to remind myself.I’m getting better at it,” I insisted when her features pinched in pain.“But it’s not easy.I guess it’s still better than carrying all that unresolved guilt around.”

“Then, even though this bigshot acted like a real jerk…” she decided, “… the time you spent with him was worth it.”I could see her point, and it left me feeling slightly less miserable.It was better than nothing.“As for what comes next…” she continued, going back to her coffee, “… you can take all the time you need.Why not look for a job out here, stay in your old room?”

I loved the offer, at least on the surface.“Lizzie and Sarah will be home for winter break next week, right?I don’t know if I can go back to sharing a room with my sisters.”

“We’ll move the girls into Bryan’s room.Just for now.It’s not like he’s using it, living all the way out in Chicago.”Funny how she came up with that all of a sudden.Almost like she had already thought it through.“It’ll be nice having so many of you back home.”

The fact was, I didn’t have that much of a choice at the moment.It would take time to find an apartment in my price range, which right now was basically as cheap as I could find.I wanted to save as much as I could since there was no guarantee how long it would take to find another job.

It was good thinking about these things because they distracted me from the hurting.If I didn’t stop trying to move forward, I would sink.

There was a soft knock at the front door.We exchanged a glance as Mom stood, wrapping her homemade cardigan around her thin frame.“I keep telling your father we need aNo Solicitorssign for the front door,” she grumbled, running her fingers through her gray-streaked bob and leaving the room.

I nursed my coffee, wondering about my next move.Staying here would solve a lot of problems, but did I want to settle down in Sacramento?I had always seen myself living in LA or nearby.Maybe San Francisco?But real estate was so expensive there.

I didn’t realize how long Mom was gone until she came back.I was so deep in thought I’d lost track of time.“Was someone trying to sell you something?”I asked.

She shook her head slightly.“It was someone for you.”A soft, bewildered laugh bubbled out of her when she stepped aside in the doorway.Finally, a small tornado came tearing through, one with bouncing brown curls and hazel eyes that gleamed.

“Penny!”Sofia squealed as she ran to me with her arms out.I turned in my chair and caught her just in time, pulling her close before I knew what was happening.

“Oh, my gosh!Oh, sweetie, I missed you so much!”I covered her face with kisses, squeezing her again.“What are you doing here?”

My question shook me out of my surprise.The kid hadn’t walked all the way here.She wiggled out of my arms and hopped up and down in front of me, clapping.“We surprised you!Daddy surprised me, then I surprised you!”

“Where is Daddy?”I wiped away my joyful tears, looking toward the doorway, waiting with my heart in my throat.

And then he was there, and all the love I thought I talked myself out of feeling came roaring back as strong as ever.I drank in the sight of him, feasting my eyes on every line of his face, on lips I craved, in the eyes beautiful enough to make me forget everything I thought I knew.I practically had to hold onto my chair to keep myself in place and not run to him the way Sofia ran to me.

“You’re supposed to be in New York.”Sure, way to go.That’s exactly the first thing I should’ve said.

“I’m where I need to be.”He slid a glance toward Mom before his attention bounced to Sofia.

Mom clapped her hands together softly, beaming down at Sofia.“How about we go in the living room and turn on the TV?Can I get you something to eat?”

“We got breakfast after we got off the plane.”Sofia gave me one last squeeze.“I missed you a huge lot.”

“I missed you a huger lot.”It was like being in a dream.Was I still asleep?Did I want to wake up if I was?

The second she was out of the room, I closed my eyes and pulled in a deep breath.He was here, and he was using his daughter to manipulate me.I hadn’t spent a week beating myself up and suffering through the memories to betray myself by giving in.“This is so unfair,” I whispered, breathing through the heart-fluttering confusion my body was going through.I couldn’t make it easy for him.

“She’s been missing you like hell.”

Opening my eyes, I replied, “Maybe you could’ve called me so I could talk to her.”

His broad shoulders lifted beneath a black cashmere turtleneck.“I didn’t think you would want to speak to me.”

“I never said anything about speaking to you.”

“Fair enough.”He sighed.How the hell was he standing in my parents’ kitchen?How was this my life?

“Why are you here?Why today?”I checked the clock on the wall.Eight fifteen.They must have left when it was still dark.“You should be out in New York, at the harbor.Everyone will be expecting to see you.”

“You think anyone will remember this in a year?Even six months?”He shook his head with a derisive snicker, sliding his hands into his pockets.Except for his pained expression, he looked better than I remembered, which was saying something.His turtleneck was a little much for Sacramento weather, but I had the feeling he wasn’t planning on staying long.“I was out there, and I realized it wasn’t right,” he admitted, his features pinching together, emotion throbbing in his voice.“I didn’t care about the big celebration or the notoriety.It wasn’t like I could enjoy it when all I could think about was you.”

“Really?Why were you thinking of me?”I asked.The longer he stood in front of me, the more I remembered how it felt to be rejected with no explanation, without even the consideration to apologize.I wasn’t so tempted to throw myself into his arms anymore.I had already made it too easy for him to crush my heart.

“Because I made a mistake.The worst mistake.Everything you said on Thanksgiving was true.You see straight through me.Maybe that was part of why I had to turn away.I couldn’t handle being seen that way.You have more courage than I do.”

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