Page 78 of Shield

“Not NOW, Vin,” Tommy snaps, yanking him up by his shirt.

“Fuck OFF,” Vin grunts, shoving him. They hit the floor, grappling, slamming into the metal chairs beside me.

That’s enough to fully snap me out of this. I’m really cold, and I can’t be around these assholes another minute. I have to clear my head.

“I have to go get…” I mutter, but they aren’t listening.

I slip out the door and head down the hall, my head spinning as I try to replay what I can remember, from the vault all the way to the vestibule when I grabbed Matti’s gun and shot Franco. He got shot when he pushed me to the ground? He was hurt the whole time he was on top of me, protecting me? Did I even hit Franco the second time I shot at him?

Shame washes over me as I weave through the hallways, struggling to find my way back to the room I stayed in before. Every twist and turn mirrors the storm of mixed emotions brewing inside me—regret for disarming Matti and missing my shot, pain knowing he’s hurt because of it, and hope that he’ll somehow be okay.

Walking through the door of my old room, I’m overwhelmed by a cold stab of anxiety that slices through the practically catatonic state I’ve been in since Tommy first spoke to me.

I stare at the bed. It’s made up with fresh sheets and a simple spread, but I can only see the rumpled mess of blankets and pillows where Matti fucked me. Where I first saw him smile, really smile. Where he kissed me the first time.

The far wall still has the shackles and chains hanging from the wall rings where Matti introduced me to a whole new version of myself. Sadly, the chair where he began that journey with me is gone.

Sliding open the top drawer of the dresser, I half expect to see my underwear and socks as I left them, but then I see the clothes Olivia got me neatly folded in a pile on the small table by the bed.

Mixed in with my clothes is the white t-shirt that Matti wore under his button-up shirt the day he fucked me. I pull it out and hold it to my cheek. It’s so soft. Snatching a pair of sleep shorts and a bra out of the pile, I head into the bathroom.

Letting the water run until it’s hot, I peel off my blood-soaked clothes and step under the spray. With eyes closed, I relive, moment by moment, my first time in this shower with Matti. His penetrating stare, the feel of his body close to me, the way his lips brushed mine.

Wrapping my arms around myself, I shiver, overwhelmed with regret. Regret that I said ‘no’ that day, that I let him send me home after I was attacked, that I didn’t contact him for all those weeks that I was gone. That I lost all those chances to be with him, to touch and be touched by him.

I dry off and dress quickly, leaving my ruined clothes in a heap, and retrace my steps. My wet hair hangs in heavy locks down my back, as I pad barefoot down the halls until I’m back to where I started.

The door to the room the three of us were in is empty. I turn, scanning the closed doors around me. Behind one of them is Matti.

Turning the knob of the door closest to me, I peek inside. There is someone in a hospital bed under the sheets, but it’s not Matti.

“You here to gloat?” snaps Valentina.

I roll my eyes, and start to shut the door.

“Wait.”

Steeling myself, I open the door again but stay in the doorway. “Do you need something?”

She rolls her eyes at me. “Bitch, I’m on really good drugs right now. There is nothing you can give me that I want.”

“Great.” I start to step back out.

“I like you for him.”

I freeze. She couldn’t have possibly meant that the way it sounded. Confused, I raise my gaze back to hers.

“Yeah, I said that,” she scoffs. She shifts, propping herself up on the pillows. “He’s a dick.”

I scowl at her and open my mouth to retort, but she raises her hand to stop me.

“He’s a dick, but he’s a fucking great guy. And he is reallyfucking in love with you.”

She says it without malice, without irony. I squint at her. Am I really talking to Valentina?

“Okay,” I say, not sure how to handle this version of her.

“Don’t get your panties in a wad. I still don’t like you.” She snuggles down into the blankets. “But don’t take it personally. I don’t like anyone. Especially females.”

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