Page 60 of Undone

It was impossiblenotto think about Zoe. I’d never met anyone like her. She was quirky in a way that made her stand out in Poplar Springs, but it was one of the many things I loved about her.

I frowned and shook my head. No,notloved.Appreciated.

I wasn’tinlove with Zoe Wilson. Absolutely not. We had a history, sure, but we weren’t together long enough for love to grow.

My thoughts weren’t going the way I needed them to, and dammit, I couldn’t turn them around anymore than I could lead Indigo over to the other trail. I remembered my dad used to tell us that if you were indecisive about something, then it was best to make a list of the pros and cons. Maybe if I made a list of the things about Zoe that bothered me and had us at odds with each other, then I could put my feelings for her behind me once and for all.

Like her insistence that she knew best. Of course, when it came to setting up the trail riding program and building the website, she was actually right about that. Then there was her irrational fear of horses, though mostly that only bothered me because she hadn’t shared how bad it was at first. There was the way she and Shannon ganged up on me when I got stuck in my head—and how effective they were at getting me out. Those damn combat boots that looked adorable on her. The way she hid behind her hands when there was something scary on but refused to let me choose a different movie. The way she took up half our kitchen table as her workstation and how she always had a smile for me when I passed through.

This wasn’t working.

I stared at the trail in front of me, but nothing was registering. It didn’t matter that the ranch had money in the bank and that I’d paid back the bank loan, having not spent a penny. I still couldn’t sleep at night. But it was for a different reason.

Zoe.

I still had a hard time thinking about that night on the porch when she’d come back from the interview. I’d tried so hard to be happy for her. The logical part of my brainwashappy that she’d set her mind to getting into the program and had achieved it. I wanted her to keep reaching for the stars and grasping them. But my heart just couldn’t get over that it meant she was leaving. Leavingme. Again. But that wasn’t exactly true, and I knew it.

A jackrabbit came bounding out a few feet ahead of us just off the trail and Indigo paused then reared up, forcing me to focus on what I was doing.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong with you? You’re never this easily spooked,” I chastised gently as I reached down to rub his neck.

It had to be the tension coursing around in my body that was making Indigo react. I wished I had someone to talk it out with. Zoe might have had a point about me not having much by way of close friends. I thought back to the last time I’d hung out with anyone other than Shannon and Zoe. There was that wedding a couple years back when I’d been a groomsman. That was the last time I’d spent any time with Lane and Sarah. I vaguely remember Shannon holding up a Christmas card from them showing off their firstborn.

Jake Thorne? We ran into each other in town, but he was just as busy running his own ranch, wasn’t he? The only time I ever saw his brother, Brian, was if I happened to run into him while I was in town. Other than random small talk and occasional discussions about ranch life, I couldn’t think of a single person outside my family who I felt Icould confide in. I scoffed imagining Jake’s reaction to a call from me asking to vent about my troubles. I wasn’t close enough to the hands, and even though I could see myself developing a friendship with Eli, we weren’t at the point for a heart-to-heart yet. Shannon would stop to listen to me if I asked her to, but she was wrapped up in her busy season, and I didn’t want to burden her with my problems, and Fiona? Well, I didn’t want to hear her “I told you so” speech, which I was sure she already had prepped and memorized.

“Damn, Zoe was right.” I took my hat off and rubbed my head hard as if I could wipe away all the dismal thoughts keeping me up at night. I slammed the hat back on my head and pulled out my phone. I needed to start somewhere. I scrolled through my contacts. “Come on, just pick one.” I settled on Jake and tapped the green button to call him, trying to figure out what I’d say when he answered.Hey Jake, I know we’ve never done this before, but I thought I’d call and see how you’re doing and bitch about my relationship problems.“Yeah, that’ll work. Not.”

Except nothing happened. “No bars. Of course, there’s no bars. There isn’t a cell phone tower for miles, which had always been a problem out here.” Beneath me, Indigo snorted and shifted where he stood, picking up on my rising tension again—and the fact that I was now talking to myself. “Way to go, Cafferty. Lose your girl and your mind all in the same month.” I was dancing that line between rage and despair. Until, I thought about the one person who was always there for me in my dark days.

My father.

My father had been there when I’d fallen in love with Zoe that summer after my freshman year of college. He’d been there when I had come to him, bewildered and confused about how my little sister’s best friend, a girl I’d known all my life, had suddenly become all that I could think about. His thoughtful advice and warm supporthad given me the resolve to ask her out. And when it had all fallen apart at the end of the summer, when I’d learned that Zoe hadn’t expected our relationship to last when we went back to school, my father’s comfort had helped me hold myself together as I slowly moved past my broken heart. Would talking to him now help ease some of the sadness?

I looked down at my phone—still clutched in my hand—and scrolled through my contacts to see my dad’s name pop up: Frank Cafferty. I still kept his contact info in my phone even though I had no idea who had his phone number now. Deleting his and my mom’s numbers felt too final, and it wasn’t as if it was taking up any space.

I dismounted and pocketed my phone before tossing the reins over a branch so Indigo could graze. I stuffed my hands in my pockets and began to pace, thankful that no one was around to see me talking to myself. “Now or never.” I took a deep breath and let it slowly.

“Dad,” I began haltingly.

Indigo flicked his ears back, but he’d found some tasty greens and decided to munch rather than paying attention to me.

“I’m going through it, Dad.” I continued. “I, uh, I’m feeling pretty bad. You see, I got close to Zoe again. You remember her. My first love. How could you forget, right? I talked about her enough.” I laughed. “Well, we found our way back to each other recently. It was unexpected, but after some bumpiness, we sort of fell right back into our familiar patterns. It was so simple being together, Dad! But the fact is, she’s easy to love?—”

I stopped myself. Hold on…the word had slipped out again before I realized what I was saying. Love? I rubbed my chest, trying to calm the ache that only seemed to get worse with each passing day.

“Anyway,” I continued. “She’s got big plans and she doesn’t have room for me in her life. She’s moving on, just like she did back then.And I’m happy for her, I truly am. But I guess…I guess I miss her. You know? She made every day better, even the crappy ones when the tractor broke down and the hose cracked and the feed delivery was late.”

I paused, knowing that the only sound that would answer me was birdsong and not my father’s voice.

“I know I need to be totally honest with myself and admit that I’m to blame for us not being together. She pointed out how I put the ranch before everyone and she said that she doesn’t want to feel like she comes second.” I let out a long sigh. “I mean…she’s not wrong. But what choice do I have? Damn it, Dad, why the hell did you both have to go and die?”

Indigo lifted his head. He shook the reins loose from where I’d tossed them and walked over to me. With a soft whinny, he pushed his head against me and I stroked his head.

“You’re ready to go, aren’t you?” I reached for the saddle horn and climbed back into the saddle, guiding him back down the trail toward the ranch. I wasn’t sure if my conversation with my dad did any good. In fact, I wasn’t feeling a whole lot better about any of it. If anything, I was not only fiercely missing Zoe, I was now missing my parents.

As I got closer to the ranch, my phone began to ping with texts. Unable to ignore them, I sifted through the messages from Dustin about the busted pipe from the tree roots out in the third pasture. I was about to turn Indigo and head out there when I changed my mind. I texted Dustin back: “It’s late. Go on home to your family. You can deal with it tomorrow.” Then clicked send. I watched the dots and saw when he received the message. Seconds later, he messaged me with a “will do boss.”

I was surprised when I didn’t feel that pull to take care of everything immediately and gave myself a pat on the back for taking Shannonand Zoe’s advice about not having to do it all. Except it didn’t make me feel any better because I didn’t have anyone to share it with. I was tempted to call Zoe just so I could hear her say, “I told you so,” but I didn’t want to disturb her. And a part of me worried that if she saw me calling, she wouldn’t answer the phone.

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