Page 64 of Undone

“Well then, go make it happen,” Fiona said, reaching out to clasp my hands in hers. “Go get your girl.”

THIRTY-NINE

ZOE

It was the third time I’d opened up the email. I was eating room service pancakes still in Josh’s T-shirt and my pajama bottoms. All I had to do was click the confirm button to accept my spot in the program and set the next phase of my life in motion, but I kept finding excuses not to. I should’ve done it before I’d arrived in the city to apartment hunt, but I keptforgetting. Because it was definitely forgetfulness at play and not anything else…right?

“What is your problem?” I muttered out loud to myself. “You know you want this.”

My pointer finger hovered over the keyboard.

Returning to grad school was supposed to be my escape from everything that was wrong with my life, but since I’d been here in New York, it was feeling more like it would be the start of problems I hadn’t foreseen.

I stared at the arrow I’d moved over the Accept button.

Initially, I’d viewed grad school as a way to be among my people. Creatives who understood that hunkering down in front of a screen forhours was a viable way of life and, under the right circumstances, extremely profitable. But when I did step away from the computer, what view did I want to see waiting for me? I laughed softly as I realized what living on the ranch over the summer had done to me.

Everything changed with Josh back in my life. Experiencing the great outdoors went hand in hand with him, and being in the city the last few days with all the traffic and people and noise and that godawful smell coming from some of the alleys had me missing the peace and tranquility of Lost Valley Ranch. I looked over at Shannon’s cowboy boots standing at attention next to the door. Was it possible my country roots were taking over?

The conversation at the coffee house still had me smarting. They’d equated small-town life with being a hick, but I knew how wrong they were. And why were they so judgmental anyway? The program was supposed to be a haven for everyone. Their attitudes about my home life felt wrong. They understood the computer nerd part of me, but not my whole self.

Unlike the Caffertys.

Shannon—my bestfriend almost from the first day we met—never judged me on anything that I liked. Sure she might have questions but that had more to do with her figuring out if some of my activities interested her. I smiled thinking about her attempts to join in on some of the late night campaigns with whatever video game had my interest. Mostly, she enjoyed trash talking the other players giving as much as she was getting until she’d found out that some of the players were minors, and then she’d been mortified at the things she had said in front of them. It’d taken weeks for Shannon to get over her embarrassment and when she joined in after that, she’d kept her mike on mute unless she had to say something. No, my BFF really thrived when she was surrounded by her horses and she couldtalk shopfor hours on end. I loved her passion.

Then there was Josh who had dropkicked my heart with his refusal to put anything ahead of the ranch. Not that I didn’t understand and support what it took to run Lost Valley. I hugged myself, rubbing my hands over the soft fabric of his T-shirt as I thought about him. When I was working on the website and the different freelance jobs I’d picked up around town, he never once questioned when or why I did things. Like Shannon, he supported me in ways that I hadn’t truly appreciated until I was alone here in my hotel room and wallowing in self-pity.

I knew deep inside that Josh cared for me. I could read it in his eyes the last night we’d fought. My feelings for him haven’t changed. If anything, being so far apart had me missing him more than I anticipated. But could I live with being second to the ranch? Before I left, I was so sure the answer was no, but now that I was here? I wasn’t sure if I would give the same answer. Maybe figuring our lives out would be easier if we weren’t halfway across the country from one another.

I clicked on my email trash folder and searched until I found the deleted message about Elizabeth Curtis’s online grad program. I’d barely even given it a thought before, because I was so intent on escaping from the town and the people that made me feel as if there was something wrong with me. Except that wasn’t true either. Carol, the real estate agent, Drew Bridger at the bank, the people I’d associated with through the Cattlemen’s Association—I couldn’t recall seeing a single judgmental eye in the bunch. Was I wrong about all of it? I shook my head. No, not all, but some.

I took a closer look at the discarded email I’d skimmed before and went to the website. The class offerings were fantastic, and even though there wouldn’t be the same in-person opportunities to hear the incredible visiting speakers, it had an impressive roster of special guests online along with symposia held via Zoom. I would be able to progress at my own pace, which I liked. There weren’t any penalties if I had to take a break from the classes, which would allow me to coverthe cost of the classes with my freelance work, and when I finished, I’d be just as credentialed as if I’d gone to an in-person school like Berkshire.

Wait. Was I really considering this? Throwing away the amazing opportunity to jump-start my career and all the changes this in-person program brought, and downshift to online?

I thought about the attitudes of the other students in that coffee house who bulldozed through my attempts to correct them with bad jokes and even worse impersonations of people from small towns. Did I really want to deal with that every day?

Then I thought about Josh: strong, supportive, wanting to do right by pretty much everyone.

I checked the time and realized that I could complete and submit the application before I had to leave for the airport. I was doing this.

A text pinged through just as I was about to finish filling the application out. Shannon, checking up on me. I debated telling her about the change of heart but realized that Shannon was a direct line to Josh. The sooner I told her, the sooner Josh would know that everything was changing.

Maybe there was room for another chance.

I banged out a response, hit send, and realized that I had two tasks to complete before what I’d told Shannon was true; I had to opt out of the NYC graduate program and opt in to the online one. Once completed, I hopped up feeling lighter than I’d been in ages. I had to pack.

It was time to go home.

FORTY

JOSH

Ifelt like a trespasser sitting in Zoe’s spot at the kitchen table on my laptop. For some reason, booking the ticket from inside my office to surprise Zoe seemed wrong. I wanted to feel as close to her as possible as I got ready to do something wild and out of character, so I’d set up my laptop exactly where she’d spent her days at the ranch.

Shannon walked into the kitchen and stopped in her tracks when she saw me. “What are you doing in Zoe’s spot?”

I grinned at her. “Getting ready to win her back, just like we talked about. I’m about to book my ticket to join her in New York, just double-checking the arrival times.” I paused. “I guess I should’ve run it by you since I’ll be leaving you in charge for twenty-four hours. That’s okay with you, right?”

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