Page 96 of Every Hidden Truth

“Is this okay?” he asked.

After a moment of mental deliberation, I nodded. My agreement fueled his confidence, and he fit his body to mine until we were pressed together like sardines.

Melting into me, he relaxed, and his sigh moistened the back of my neck. He needed the comforting touch, so I allowed him to hold me even though I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. I should have been holding him, whispering words of comfort and assurance, but the most I could accomplish was lying cold and immobile in his arms.

I stared blankly at the wall until I had every scratch and imperfection of the drywall memorized. Ben clung to me like a rescue buoy, his fingers tangled in the front of my shirt.

Hours passed and I waited, anticipating the moment my emotions would come seeping back in. I expected there to be a pivotal moment when I would feel something, anything, but it never came. I was numb, empty, and cold.

Eventually, Ben shifted behind me, his hand pressing to my abdomen as he buried his face against the back of my neck. He inhaled one long, steady breath, and I prepared myself for him to speak.

“Silas?”

I didn’t respond, but he knew I was awake.

“Si?” His lips traced the skin of my neck, and when I remained silent, he swallowed audibly. “Are you mad at me?”

It wasn’t what I expected, and it took me a moment to comprehend his question. Mad? Was I mad? I wasn’tnotmad, but I also wasn’t actively angry. Anger was a human emotion, and I felt far from human.

Slowly, I shook my head, but he wasn’t placated. “Do you hate me?”

Did I? I didn’t think I did, so I shook my head again.

“Do you… do you still love me?”

His voice broke, and the depressing sound stirred some deep-seated emotion in my chest. I recoiled from the feeling, not wanting to relinquish my peaceful numbness, but to salvage whatever remained unsoiled between us, I would need to.

There wasn’t much that wasn’t sullied from the events of the day, but there had to be something, right? We couldn’t be completely broken. Could we?

I turned over, my exhausted body creaking after hours of lying immobile. As I faced Ben, the small spark of emotion flared, erupting into a tiny flame. I cringed at the lifelessness in hiseyes. Lines of agony carved into his forehead and around his dull eyes, his skin a sickly pallor.

Oh, Ben, my Ben. He shouldn’t have looked like this.

Like it had a mind of its own, my hand reached for him, my fingers trailing over his cheek. They paused at the spot near his mouth where his dimple should have been, then continued their journey over his jaw until I traced a small scar hidden near his ear. Briefly, I wondered how he received it.

Had he fallen off his bike as a child? Did he slip at the pool, cracking his jaw against the tile floor? Was his father to blame for the blemish?

I drew my fingertip down his neck as goosebumps rose along his skin. I circled his Adam’s apple before sliding my finger over the hollow of his throat. His pulse pounded against my index finger. My hand lowered, my palm coming to rest over his racing heart.

“Why wouldn’t I still love you?” I said hoarsely.

His hand blanketed mine over his chest, and his expression pinched as he studied my blank face. “You’re shutting me out.”

Yeah, I guess I was. I didn’t know how to remedy that, so I opted for apologizing instead. Maybe that was what he wanted to hear. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” he snapped, his mouth pursing into a thin line of displeasure.

“What do you want me to be?” I asked.

He scowled. “I don’t care. Be sad, be angry, be something! Anything’s better than this—this apathy.”

Having no idea how to respond, I chewed on my bottom lip and shrugged. “Sorry.”

Apparently, that wasn’t what he wanted. Grunting in frustration, he shoved my hand away and rolled onto his back to glare at the ceiling above.

His aggravation caused a trickle of something to slide through my veins. It wasn’t a pleasant emotion. Annoyance, I finally named it. I was annoyed.

“I don’t feel any of those things, Ben.” I focused on the tick in his jaw, my hands lying limp on the mattress between us. “Or maybe I feel all of them. I’m not sure. I just feel numb.”

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