Page 62 of Spurred On

“You look like you’ve lost ten pounds in the last week.” She angrily points to the bag. I keep eye contact with her as I open the bag and pop a gummy worm into my mouth.

“Happy?” I raise my eyebrows at her, my voice a little snappier than I intended, but I’m tired. I haven’t slept since I moved all my crap out of Maverick’s and started sleeping on Aspen’s couch.

She rolls her brown eyes, taking my attitude in stride. “Not really, but it’s a start. Have you talked to him?”

“No, and I don’t want to.” I turn my chair away from her, hoping she will get the hint.

“Okay, this is going to be a super fun night shift.” I hear her chair rolling closer to me, and her hand lands back on my chair, causing me to swivel around. “Are you at least ready to tell me more of what thehell happened?” She flails her hands around. “I know you need time to process but I haven’t asked at all besides you know, the two other times, and I just am curious how it all went to shit.” I turn back around, not wanting her to see the tears that prick my eyes at the mere mention of him.

I don’t want to talk about it because nothing has ever hurt quite like that. He had the choice, and he didn’t choose me. There aren’t quite enough words to describe how empty that makes me feel. I was so sure Maverick was my person, and I’ve never been so wrong. This is why it’s easier just to work and stick to myself. It’s less painful.

“He chose the rodeo,” I say as I stare blankly at my bright computer screen. I’m not sure if it’s the blue light from the computer or the shit storm of the last week, but the dull ache in the back of my head has become more of a pounding headache with every minute that passes.

“What do you mean he chose the rodeo?”

Turning back around, I give in. This is eating me alive, and maybe it won’t if I talk about it. Maybe I'll feel better. “I told him it was me or bull riding, and he picked the massive bull.”

“I know you haven’t been around him long, but that boy would choose rodeo over his own life.” That’s the exact reason I needed him to stop. To choose a life with me over dancing with the grim reaper all the damn time.

“That’s the exact reason I asked him to stop. I can’t watch him kill himself, Aspen. I’ve lived that. I’ve done it, and I won’t do it again.” My parents didn’t choose what happened to them, but Mav does. He has the chance to stay. No one can understand that kind of pain unless you’ve had the front-row seat to watching the ones you love most fade into the other side.

Her eyes soften, and she reaches out for me, grabbing my arm to give it a gentle squeeze. “Maybe give him some time.”

“If he only comes back to me because he can’t rodeo anymore, then he really doesn’t love me at all. And I deserve to be the first choice. My happiness has been on the back burner my whole life. I’ve been struggling to just get by, I’m not going to be with someone who doesn’t choose me one hundred percent.” I want that, no, Ineedthat. The security that comes with someone choosing you so wholly that you never have to question your love.

She nods in understanding as her eyes change, a little anger flickering in them. “You know what? You’re right. I’m kicking him in the shin the next time he shows face at my parents. Actually, I think a strong kick to the balls would get the message across.”

“And hurt more.” It’s the least he deserves for making me hurt. You know, an eye for a sack tap, or something like that.

“That too. You’re amazing and he’s a dumbass. I’m willing to bet my left tit he’ll be coming back to you.” She taps my thigh a couple times before rolling back to her side of the desk.

“Your left tit?” I cock my head. Sometimes, she says things, and I wonder where the hell she came up with them.

She looks over to me. “It’s bigger than my right, so I have more to lose with it.” She says it like it should be common sense, almost annoyed I didn’t get it.

“You are so freaking weird,” I shake my head and laugh, “but I love you.” She’s been the best part of this whole experience. Making friends hasn’t always come easy for me, but she showed up and stuck around, and for me, that means everything.

The radio on the desk beeps "Windy Peaks Community, we have an incoming trauma. Not conscious, pupils are equal and reactive.Airway is clear. Pressures are a bit all over and he’s tachycardic. Prepare for arrival.”

Adrenaline slams through me, quickly turning off our conversation.

Gosh, I hope I don’t freeze up like last time. I can do this. I know I can. It’s not a car accident, but even if it is, I’m ready this time. Ready to give back. Ready to serve.

“You ready?” Aspen gives me a look, she knows exactly why I freaked out last time.

I nod my head. “I..I think so.” I shoot out of my chair, rolling my shoulders. Mentally running through my checklist.

“Good, prepare the room. I’ll page the team.”

I pull back the tan curtain, opening the trauma bay. I hang a bag of fluids, knowing we are going to use those. I double-check that all the needed supplies are out and walk over to the cabinet with our PPE and gown up. I let the adrenaline course through me, making me quicker and sharper, feeding on the rush.

The sound of sirens penetrate past the sliding glass door at the entryway, and I rush to it, finding Aspen slipping on her gown and gloves as the ambulance pulls into the drop-off bay just outside the doors.

The back of the ambulance opens, Aspen rushes toward the patient, and the paramedic hops out the back and starts talking.

“Male, approximately thirty, struck multiple times by a bull. Blunt force trauma. He hasn’t regained consciousness. Vitals are somewhat stable, could be worse.”

“Thank you.” I nod and look down, and my whole world stops.No.

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