Page 183 of Under the Bed

I wish I could scream. I wish, with everything I have, that I could let some of it out. Kaleb would allow it. Would take it. I’m sure. Damn him. Damn him for taking on so much.

Even if we were all alone without any neighbors to worry about, I wouldn’t dump more of my pain on him. Just no.

“You think it’s too much? You think I can’t take it? That it’ll hurt me, hearing that your dad said I let them dope me? Huh?”

I can’t hold back the tears. He’s fine and alive, and the flashbacks are nothing but a figment of my imagination, but the pain won’t go away.

“He said exactly that.” I sniff, talking through my tears. “He said monsters deserve to be sedated.”

“Okay, and he said that. So what?”

“Kaleb—”

“Take a look around you, Shiloh.” He switches his grip on my face. My chin is in his large palm, and he shoves my face left and right. Up toward the ceiling. Back to him. “See the fucks I give anywhere?”

“No. It’s not what he said.” Blinking away my tears, I punch his chest, that’s much stronger than any real-life wall. He’s a shield made of diamonds. Impenetrable. “He said those things so I’d fear you. So I’d want nothing to do with you, the only person who ever loved me. All he cared about was making sure I never came for you, never tried to do anything to save you. That’s how he manipulated me.” Deep breath. I hate this part. Shame floods me. “Most days, I’d fall for it. I had been scared of you. I loved you, and that scared me too.”

“Not good enough.” He moves in as close as he can. The counter stops him, so he drags me to him by my hips. “Tell me the exact words he said to you. I won’t let it haunt you. Tell. Me.”

“The vile murderer is stuck there for life,” I mimic my dad’s voice. I won’t repeat that shit as if I’m the one saying it. As if a shred of me still thinks it. “Doped out of his mind. He’ll never be released, his doctors report back to me. He doesn’t make any progress. He’ll kill again, that’s a guarantee. You’re a fool to ask about him, Shiloh. If he’s ever out, he’ll come after you first.”

Kaleb’s face betrays nothing. Briefly, I wonder if he’s even heard me.

“Bastard.” He pulls his lips in. His chest expands, then deflates.

“He’s wrong.” I reach out for his neck, cupping both sides.

“I wouldn’t say that.” Kaleb lets out a mirthless laugh. “I am a monster. I did come back here to wreak havoc and murder our parents. But I’m here to steal the princess, not kill her. And about my meds? Like I mentioned, they couldn’t force me. They tried, and I threw them up as soon as I was alone again.”

Oh. That’s how he knew what to do this morning, with his fingers down my throat. His fingers curled in just the right angle, efficient in making me throw up.

“Deep down, I never gave up on you. I hoped you’d be back. Prayed for it.” A flush climbs up my neck. My cheeks.

Kaleb cocks his head to the side, studying me. Clawing his way under my skin. “I saw the letters. I know you did. What are you not telling me?”

“I wished you weren’t completely out of it so that…” My fingers sink into him, borrowing strength from the strongest person in the world. “That you’d be back, and we could be together like this. I hoped that you’d kill me if you had to. Other than that, I wished for this. You were my secret.”

“From him?” He doesn’t have to shout. He’s just as bone-chilling when he hisses.

“From everyone.” I need his warmth for this, inching closer. “I wasn’t ashamed of you. I could never. It was Dad. He made me swear not to talk about you. And since I didn’t want to talk about anything else, I kept to myself. I was always yours and you were mine. Then Val and…”

Marina. I sigh as I remember her. Another person who thought the worst things about Kaleb.

“They were kind. They pretended nothing happened when we talked on the phone, mostly.” I shrug. “That’s it. Youwere my secret. In my heart. That was more than enough, even when I feared you. I always loved you.”

“You spent years alone.” His expression hardens. The muscles of his jaw work. “Basically by yourself.” His brow furrows, his fingers inflicting pain on my chin. A pain that reminds me that I’m still alive. That I’m his. “You could’ve chosen the easy way out. You could’ve accepted that I was a monster and moved on with your life. Had friends. Gone to parties.”

His hands find my cheeks again.

My chin quivers as my legs press around him. “I didn’t have a choice. I didn’t want another life. I was yours from day one. Day fucking one, Kaleb.”

“No, you’re wrong. With me at Berkshire, you had plenty of choices.” He’s as serious as I’d ever seen him. As intense. Satisfied that I chose him. I brought these emotions out of him. Me. “Now you have none.”

“What’s next? After we kill our parents?” I skim my fingers over his neck, up to his jaw. He sucks in a breath, pressing his forehead to mine. “You have a plan set in place. I know you do.”

“We’ll take our parents’ money. They have safes around the house.” One day, when Dad was drunk, he blabbered about the safes. The money he was hiding from the IRS. Before the three of us, Kaleb, me, and his mom. “Pay for our new IDs, birth certificates and passports. That’s Jerome’s job. Then we get the hell out of this country. Where no one recognizes us.”

“Yes.”

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