Page 5 of The Light Within

“Well”—Julien picked at a thread on the cushion—“it’s not like you didn’t have a good reason. I did almost get your ex-boyfriend killed.” Precious, oh-so-preciousTyler, who Cinn would give the world for.

So when Tyler had gone out with the ten thousand pounds Julien had thrown at him before they left—along with some words he’d rather not remember—resulting in a hospital stay for broken ribs, it had been alittleawkward.

Regrets.

Julien had them.

Cinn freed a brown curl from his beanie to twist it around his finger. Seeing the hat Julien gave him back on Cinn’s head brought Julien immeasurable joy. Cinn said, “The thing is, he’s usually pretty good at messing things up all by himself, even on a good day.” Then, leaning forward, he grabbed Julien’s hand, forcing him to meet his eyes. “I still don’t get why you let Tyler shake you up so much. I tried to make it clear on the tube that you had nothing to worry about. Then I was all over you at Bradley’s place.”

The worried, reflective tone in Cinn’s voice—likehe’dbeen the one at fault—only compounded Julien’s guilt until it was a solid brick in his stomach.

“Non.” Julien squeezed Cinn’s hand, then stroked his thumb against his pulse. “This is entirely on me. And my self-destructive brain.” He shuddered out a breath. “You’ve been all I can think about. Did you know that? Starting weeks before we went to London. Pretty much from the moment I met you. I guess I didn’t know what to do with all these…feelings.”

Julien made a face, causing Cinn to laugh, and some of the tension to dissipate. But it was true. The way he felt about Cinn was so intense, so big, sonew,Julien felt unequipped to handle it. His feelings felt like fire in his chest, burning so hot he didn’t know whether to run from it or embrace it.

“I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you before I even had the chance to have you. It fucked with my mind. God, Cinn, I still feel like I’m losing my mind right now. I want you so badly but I’m so fucking terrified of screwing it up.” The honesty poured out of him before he could stop it, and Julien squeezed his eyes shut, unable to face the look of surprise and mild concern written on Cinn’s face at his outburst.

“I know you deserve someone with a normal range of human emotions, who’ll treat you like a prince. Someone who won’t keep fucking up. Someone who won’t ever hurt you.”

The warm, comforting weight of Cinn’s body settled on his lap, his legs wrapping around Julien’s back. Then he pressed a finger to Julien’s lips, soft but commanding. Cinn dropped his tone to say, “There’s only room for one prince here, and that’s you.”

Julien pulled his lips into a scowl, though his heart fluttered and his stomach uncoiled somewhat.

“Besides, if I wantednormal, I wouldn’t be here. I know exactly what I’m signing up for.”

The tiniest spark of hopeful joy ignited itself within Julien, and he allowed it to weave warmth through him.

“I can be patient while we sort it all out,” Cinn added.

Julien brought his hands up to cup Cinn’s cheeks, swiping his thumbs over them before kissing his forehead. “You don’t need to be patient. I don’t need to figure out how I feel about you.”

Cinn pressed his lips against Julien’s, running the back of one hand along the column of his throat. With the slowest of gentle pressures, Cinn caressed his bottom lip with his tongue, pressing it against him until Julien’s mouth parted. As their tongues tangled, brushing up against each other with soft, languid strokes, a calm settled in the ocean of Julien’s mind. The anxious waves, so turbulent in the weeks since Cinn had stormed out of this very apartment, finally stilling.

An almost drugged feeling coursed through Julien, and he gently pulled them both down to lie side by side, tugging Cinn’s precious beanie very gently off to breathe in the scent of his hair. Damp from the drizzle earlier, the smoke from Darcy’s fireplace didn’t quite mask the citrus shampoo Cinn favoured. Julien smiled into his short brown curls, running a hand through them.

Cinn settled on his chest, nuzzling in so close, Julien could match every rise and fall of his rib cage. A thick lump formed in Julien’s throat. He swallowed it, sliding his arms as far as they could stretch around Cinn.

They remained like that for an eternity and a half, with Julien staring at the ceiling, content to never move again.

In this dreamlike space, right now, he could do anything. Anything, like…

His gaze turned to the lamp emitting a soft orange light.

The lumenmotes called to him. Whispered his name.

He itched to feel them respond to him, to be bent to his will.

Staring at the lamp, raising his hand towards it, his heart rate kicked into overdrive.

Cinn raised his head from his chest, his gaze boring into him. “Are you going to…?” he said, his breathy excitement contagious.

Julien edged his slightly shaking hand closer to the light. The physical proximity of his fingers to the motes was entirely unnecessary, but it felt right.

“I’m here.” Cinn reached for Julien’s other hand to squeeze their intertwined fingers. “You’ve got this.”

Cinn’s unwavering belief in him was the last layer of motivation he needed. Julien exhaled a last, unsteady breath through his nose.

He reached for the lumenmotes.

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