Page 98 of The Bittersweet Bond

Your now completely dishonored Evin

Chapter 31

Drowning In The Holidays

Evin

The winter holidays were supposed to be a break, a moment to breathe—but for Evin, they became a battlefield. Every attempt to cling to stability was met with an invisible force pulling her deeper, dragging her beneath the surface of her own mind.

It wasn’t just numbness. It was drowning. The feeling was like being caught in quicksand, sinking slowly but surely into a thick mire of despair, the weight of it pressing down on every limb until she was completely submerged.

Some days, she fought against it. Others, she let herself sink.

Outside, the world carried on—vibrant, unbothered—while inside, everything remained frozen in suffocating stillness.

And yet, somewhere within, a fragile spark of resistance lingered. A part of her refused to be swallowed whole. She clung to that small defiance, even as exhaustion whispered how much easier it would be to let go.

Herbody, however, was a traitor. Nausea hit her in sudden, violent waves, wrenching her out of her hollow state. Her mother blamed a stomach bug.

“It’ll pass,” she said lightly. As if words alone could fix what was broken. But Evin knew better. This wasn’t a virus. It was something deeper, something clawing at her from the inside out.

Still, she forced herself to function. She went to ballet, moved through the steps, performed with mechanical precision—not because she wanted to, but because it was the only thing that reminded her she was still here.

But the passion was gone.

Her body still knew the routines, but each movement felt weightless, detached, like she was watching herself from a distance. Some days, she danced flawlessly. Other days, her limbs felt foreign, heavy, uncooperative. But no matter how well she performed, the feeling was missing. The thing that had once made her stand out, that had secured her place in the spotlight—gone.

The mirror showed the evidence. Her reflection had changed. The girl staring back at her was pale, her frame thinner, her clothes hanging looser. She barely recognized herself.

She barely felt like herself.

“Evin, you’re looking stronger these days.” The words came casually from her instructor as they passed in the hallway, but they clung to her like a weight. Stronger? She clenched the strap of her dance bag as she forced a smile, murmuring a quiet “thanks” before heading toward the changing room.

Stronger.

The word echoed in her head as she stared at her reflection, at the hollowed-out girl blinking back at her. If only they knew.

No matter how much she tried to push them away, the memories of Sergej found her anyway. Like a physical weight, they pressed down on Evin, tingling her skin with unease and heaviness. They lurked in the quiet, in the spaces between conversations, in the silence of her bedroom at night. He had taken something from her, something that could never be given back.

After training, she let the shower scald her skin, hoping the heat would reach the parts of her that felt dead. But it didn’t. It only prickled the surface, leaving her just as cold as before.

And the nights…

The nights were the worst.

Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, her thoughts droned so loud she could barely think. And yet, at the same time, it was all nothing. A crushing weight of exhaustion mixed with a restless, aching energy that refused to let her sleep.

Some nights, she felt like she was burning from the inside out. Other nights, she was ice.

And then there were the days when all she wanted to do was disappear. Sleep became the only escape. Because sleep meant silence. Sleep meant a break. She could go hours without moving, curled beneath the blankets, hoping she’d wake up different. Or not wake up at all.

Her phone buzzed—a last remaining tether to the world outside. But every message from Sergej only pushed her further into the abyss.

Sergej

Let’s talk one more time.

I never wanted to hurt you.

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