Page 45 of Only Some Stars Fall

I’ve been so wound up the last few weeks since I met Hux Anderson that keeping pace with Alex, although painful, feels therapeutic. I tiptoed into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water and almost fainted when I found her sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal amongst the mess of last night’s party.

The house is completely wrecked, but she suggested a quick “jog” before we spend most of the day picking up Solo cups and scrubbing mysterious stains out of the couch.

Alex makes it a whole half a mile before speaking. “So… are you finally going to tell me what happened last night?” I know she’s been dying to hear the details since the moment I tried to hide doing the walk of shame.

I slow my pace down to a walk, stretching my arms out in front of me and crossing one over the other elbow. There is no way I’ll be able to keep her pace while I try to put last night, and specifically this morning, into words.

“What do you think happened?” I can’t stop the bashful smile as it spreads across my face.

“I knew it! Finally!” She throws her hands up to the sky. “I swear the tension between the two of you was going to start a forest fire.”

Just thinking about this morning sends a spark of electricity through my body.

“And…”

“And what?”

“Oh my God, stop torturing me! How was it? How big was it? I’m starving over here,” she says while playfully shoving me.

We stop at a small pond on the side of the road. It’s known as a good place to spot a moose, but as I scan the shallow water, it’s just us and the water bugs. My cheeks flush even more. “I mean, it was amazing. He was amazing. I thought I would be so much more nervous and insecure, but there is something about being with Hux, just him and I, that makes me feel so comfortable, even out in the open on a dock.”

“Unbelievable! You mean to tell me you, Everly Burke, had hot, passionate sex with Hux Anderson on a dock? I’m getting turned on just envisioning this!”

“Shh! Let’s not announce it to the world, please! Also, stop envisioning it. Like now. Stop.”

“You’re worried about Mr. Moses the Moose overhearing and telling all his friends? Look around, Evie Baby, there is noone out here. You’re the one getting freaky on a floating stage in the middle of Aurora Lake! Can you imagine if Norma’s husband, John, had seen or Big Earl? Silsby Memorial Hospital would have been busy, that’s for sure.” Alex is now in a complete fit of giggles, imagining all the senior citizens I could have harmed with my erotic morning antics.

Bumping her shoulder with mine, my tone becomes serious as the doubt creeps in. “I don’t know, Alex. My only other experience having sex was with Austin, and look how badly that turned out. I still equate sex to true feelings, and we know those two things are most definitely not mutually exclusive.”

I run my hands down my sweaty face. Reality is starting to overshadow the bliss of this morning. What if Hux didn’t even really enjoy it? We might have been on a dock, but I hardly doubt Hux would consider that very daring.

“Just because Austin was a moron who only thought with his dick, a dick he didn’t know how to use properly, I might add, doesn’t mean that Hux doesn’t have feelings for you.”

“Come on, Alex, he’s made it very clear he doesn’t do relationships. I gave him the one thing he does do, and who is to say he’s not off getting it somewhere else as we speak? How pathetic am I to keep thinking this is some romance movie where I am going to be the woman to win him over. The woman who can fix him.”

It feels like Alex and I have been repeating this same narrative for the last few weeks. My brain knows the chances of a happy outcome are slim to none. Logistically, none of this makes sense, yet my heart keeps hammering forward like I’m stuck aboard a love-sick freight train.

As if she heard me internally drop the L word, Alex asks, “Are you in love with him?”

I give her a pointed look, but at the same time, I can feel abit of sadness and disappointment in myself. I look down at my dust-covered running sneakers.

“It’s okay if you are, Ev. Love is worth fighting for, no matter how many times you win or lose,” she whispers.

“How though? How do I fight for this? I go back to school in less than a month, and he is staying here. There’s a whole lot of baggage when it comes to his brother and this girl, both topics he refuses to open up to me about. My mind keeps wandering back to this person that Hux may have cared for, that this tragedy might be the reason why he can never love me as he did her.

“On top of that, I don’t know how he feels about me. His actions over the last month and a half, as well as his relationships with girls like Ashlee, would make me think I am no more than another undercurrent in this town he gets stuck in for a moment or two.”

“Enough with all this negative self-talk. You talk as if there is no way someone could see you as special, thatyouaren’t worth fighting for. I have watched you your whole life trying to be perfect, hyper-focusing on anything and everything you’ve wanted, and now you’re going to choose to back off? Let what you might have with Hux go because you’re unsure?” Her intensity doesn’t waver as she starts back in on me.

“Honestly, that’s bullshit. You are one of the kindest, most caring, deeply beautiful people I know. So, stop acting as if someone wouldn’t fall in love with you despite all the roadblocks they’ve put up.” She takes a deep breath, readying herself to continue the lecture I’m being handed.

“You have always been someone who has been determined to the point of it being borderline obnoxious, so why don’t you ask him how he’s feeling? Ask him what this all is. Ask him about her, and when he gets all grumbly and tries to avoid it, don’t fucking let him. You deserve some honest conversationsfrom him, and as much as he acts like he doesn’t want to, I bet deep down he wants to let you in.”

Confrontation is something I have never been very good at. I am scared, scared he will reconfirm what he’s said all along, that he doesn’t do relationships, and this is no more than a summer hookup for him. But on the other hand, I know Alex is right. For the first time in over a year, I haven’t thought about Austin daily. I haven’t secretly hoped he would text me out of the blue or show any interest in reconnecting with me. It’s been incredible to feel wrapped up in someone else and to come alive whenever I am in the same airspace as Hux, but that brings fear too.

“I have another issue as well…” I sigh, kicking up some dirt.

“Let me guess, it rhymes with Smick?” Alex laughs.

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